Hiding in the shelter of His wings

Matthew 11:28
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Unashamed

Sitting on the couch with the whole family watching "Madagascar", Sadie suddenly plugs her nose and asks, "Okay!! Who farted!?". Without skipping a beat, 2 yr old Wes announces in a powerfully confident voice, "It was ME!!! ......AAAAND, I *pick* mine nose.... AAAAAND..... I ATE IT!!!". He gives her an angry stare for a moment. Her hand falls from her nose..... and movie watching resumes.

"Bookends"

This morning gramps was working at the table with the girls and I was working in the kitchen. Eva drove past in her little car... Wes ran past in his short jeans and tight turtleneck. I turned my back to run the sink. And that's when my "bookends" collided into squealing tires and motor noises and baby laughter. I turned around to see that Darren was taking a break from his school work to thrill his baby sister with a wild ride. Funny what an almost 14 year old determines would be fun for a 1 year old. It's all fun and games....

Last induction chemo before "maintenance" phase!!

Colouring the crap out of everything in the art room as we wait for this monumental chemo! After this is over, we only come every 3 weeks instead of every week and prednisone will not be a daily diet staple but a 5 day pulse. WA- HOOO!

Siblings

They pair off to hunt, play cards, sleep together, ride horse, play music, listen to stories on cd's, wrestle, do crafts, work their chores...so thankful that they have each other. So thankful that they are mine.

Text- Talk

As we were going out the door to go to church tonight, Wes unloads his tiny pockets at the doorway.
Wes: "I Has MONEY!"  (pennies, dimes and nickles roll on the wood floor)
me: "Where did you get that money Wes?  Did you take it from dad's drawer??"
Darren: "He's been stealing from everyone's room lately...B.T.W. mom."
I look up at Darren.
me: "Um... don't say that."
Darren:  "What?!   BTW...By... The ... Way...?"
me:  "I know...  It's just weird to talk like you are texting."
Darren:  (laughing in his deep deep teen voice)
Sadie:  "He stole that money from Ellie's room!  I saw him do it!" 
me:  "Let me guess F..Y..I?"
Sadie:  NO!!!  silly!  It's E.. L.. L.. I.. E!!"

September-November

Sadie in September '11 and November '11:I have been shocked by the change in my little girl over the course of the first few weeks of her chemotherapy treatment for  Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis.  The prednisone, famous for weight gain and "moon-face", has most definitely left it's mark on my little girl.  2 more weeks of weekly treatments of vinblastine and heavy predisone until we change to treatments every 3 weeks for the rest of the year.  She is grumpy from the medication as well so we are having a lot of heart to hearts and cuddle time.  Grampsie is back and helping in every and any way that he can find to do.  He came to the last treatment with us and the port was not working properly.  Nurses suspect a small blood clot that may be blocking the tube so we will go in early next week and see if there is still a problem and if they still cannot draw blood from the port, they will flush it with a powerful blood clot buster and also send her for x-rays to make sure that there is not a problem with the actual Ivad tubing and placement.  The other kids are doing so well.  Robin has needed a little extra love with all the changes and also came with us to the last chemo.  It has SNOWED, so the kids have been spending every afternoon after school skating on the pond in the back 40, x-country skiing around the perimeter of the yard and practicing archery in the barn.  We set up the Christmas tree and made decorations today.  We also re- started the afternoon winter tradition of popcorn and hot chocolate when they come in with ruby red freezing cheeks and need a warm up.  It's the little traditions that make life feel normal... even though i know that it will never be the same again.  Sadie will never go back to being the same girl she was in September.  She changed day one.  My sister reminded me of a passage in Anne of Green Gables where Anne lost her baby.  The book describes her face as having a quality that it had never had before... and would never be gone from her face again.  Some things in life leave their mark... and this has been one of them.  When chemo is over, Sadie will begin growth hormone treatment and she will change drastically again in a short amount of time.  Her childhood pictures will have a strange sort of feel... not the gradual change that we all normally have, but huge leaps into sickness and healing and change.  It's drastic... and the change in me is drastic too.  I feel my heart exploding into a thousand different questions and thoughts that i am nesting on.  Praying that God would give me the proper perspective to be the kind of mom he is calling me to be in all of this.  I surrender...and now what does that look like?  It feels like certain death for part of me... but maybe that part was never meant to live... and when it dies, something beautiful will take it's place?  "Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies..." thinking of that verse tonight...-j    

Wild Wes

It's been a long two weeks.  I've been sick and now i've lost my voice completely.  Curt will have to take Sadie in for chemo today.  She was teary last night and this morning as it will be the first hospital visit that I haven't been able to go with her.  She seemed to accept it okay when i told her that we didn't want to make the other kids in the oncology ward sick as their bodies cannot fight sickness when they have lower blood counts.   I was washing up with Sadie this morning when Wes, my loud talker comes in with a huge announcement.  I answered him in a whisper.  He stopped, leaned over the tub and asked "How come you can't talk!?" I whispered "I lost my voice Wes!" His eyes got real big and serious and he slowly shook his finger at me and announced, "Then Wessie will FFFF- FIIIIND it for you!". Love that boy.  During chores he had pulled my arm over to the comfy chair in the kitchen and begged "Love me Mom!"  So we were snuggling when Robbie came up and carefully asked "Can I have some G-U-M?"  I said after chores were done she could.  Then went back to snuggling Wes.  He was quiet for a minute and then said "Jew-EM??.....Jew-EM!???...I want some JEW--EM!?  Can I have some JEW--EM?"  I guess a careful spelling of gum wasn't enough to deter a 2 year old.  If someone else is having it... he must have some too.  Maybe I should tell him that the other kids already finished some p-o-t-t-y-  t-r-a-i-n-i-n-g... maybe he'd want a piece of that too.  :P    

Dad

Dad: The guy who came, picked up the dropped balls, drills the middles with math facts, cuddles the baby, works at taming wild Wes, coaches the older two with their school work, helps me process all the tomatoes, loans me his car for chemo appointments in the big city while he teaches homeschool to the older 4, takes the little ones to the barn to see the baby goats, brought a theme song with him "Workin' for the Man" by Roy Orbison to be blasted during chore time, took my 13 year old son shopping for his first suit so he could usher at a wedding, started a reading club with the kids called "The Century Club", reads the bible with all the kids every morning, tells stories to Wes non stop about his favourite subject, "big, fat wolves", cheers like a madman at cross country until he can't talk anymore, gets the coffee pot on in the morning, puts together "best friend picnics" for the kids, pulls the kids aside for "one on one" encouragement, makes emergency runs to town... and keeps everything upbeat, and my days filled with the sentimental sounds of my childhood with his singing and guitar....and so much more.... Thanks Grampsie... as Wes would say "I *DOOO* love you. -j

How's It Going?

We had gone up for prayer before we went to see Dr. B. to hear the diagnosis... not for healing so much as out of obedience. I believe God can heal, but before we had gone to church that night and all through that day the words from Daniel 3, "But even if He does not..." kept repeating themselves in my mind. I felt that, this time, we were headed towards a "fiery furnace". What i *didn't* imagine, was that we would also be spared from the flames so thoroughly as Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego had been. We are in the middle of the third week of chemotherapy induction, i do really feel like we are cheating death a little. Sadie has had very little in terms of side effects. Some weepy/clingy *moments* and needing to snuggle, some bone pain, and voracious cravings and weight gain... but something stands out on the chart i have been keeping. Every day we have been able to put down "active" and "happy". Most days, there is nothing out of the ordinary for Sadie and her attitude has remained so up-beat. I am thankful for every good day and cherishing them as i think of the angel who was seen in the fire with the boys in Daniel. How's it Going?....It's Good.

Treatments

Grampsie asked me the other day about the medications that Sadie is on and what they were supposed to do. Here is a simple explanation clipped and pasted for those of you who are medically bent:

General Information About Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis (LCH)

Langerhans cell histiocytosis is a disease that can damage tissue or cause lesions to form in one or more places in the body.

Langerhans cell histiocytosis (LCH) is a rare disease that occurs when the body makes too many Langerhans cells. A Langerhans cell is a type of white blood cell that helps the body fight infection. Langerhans cells (also called histiocytes) are normally found in the skin, lymph nodes, spleen, bone marrow, and lungs. In LCH, extra Langerhans cells spread through the blood and build up in certain parts of the body, where they can damage tissue or form tumors.

Scientists do not agree on whether LCH is a type of cancer or is a condition caused by a change in the immune system. LCH is often treated with anticancer drugs that may also be used to treat immune system conditions.


Prednisone - Prednisone is just an oral form of Cortisone. It is a steroid hormone. Prednisone decreases inflammation by preventing white blood cells from functioning properly. More specifically, the drug interferes with lymphocytes (one of several types of white blood cells). The presence of white blood cells result in inflammation (for many reasons, damage to tissue, fungus, virus, bacteria, allergens and almost any foreign invader) - they go to a site and their presence inflames the area. Prednisone causes lymphocytes to break apart and die. The lesions in histiocytosis usually contain lymphocytes, so prednisone attacks the lesions.

Vinblastine (Velban) - Vinblastine is a plant alkaloid and inhibits mitosis or cell division. Vinblastine disrupts cell division, resulting in cell death. Specifically, it works to inhibit mitosis (cell division) in metaphase. Vinblastine is actually derived from the Madagascar Periwinkle.

Basically, these two drugs working together cover both possibilities of LCH being either a faulty immune response (by prednisone breaking apart white blood cells in LCH lesions) or a cancer (by stopping cell division in the lesions). -j

Sleepless

What i need most, sleep, my mind won't allow.

I want to carry it...

the disease

the poison (that is the cure)

her suffering...

but

this burden won't lift.

It wants *her*.

She's 5...

She buries her face in the barn kittens and gives them names: "Isabella" and "Sara".

She sets out the dishes and mini tea-pot to have tea parties with her 2 year old brother.

She sneaks out of her bed at night and cuddles into bed with her 8 year old sister Ellie.

She rolls and rolls like a sea otter in the hot tub in nothing but her Dora undies.

She tells Curt "When I grow up, I'm gonna marry you Dad!"

She looks up at me when we go for a walk and squeezes my hand 3 times which means "I love you"... and then quickly tells me "But I love Jesus more!...Is that okay?"

She told me her favourite things about the hospital were "jell-o" and "snuggling in bed with you mom".

She's 5.

It's too heavy for her.

I want to take it from her...

But the burden begins...

and i am helpless.

The chemo flows through *her* tiny veins...

not mine...

no matter how willing i am to take it in.

She's only 5.

Sorrows divided on a Tuesday

Sadie had a hard night. I cuddled her into a morphine sleep and she woke up in pain at 3 am needing more. The nurse came and gave her what she needed and i cuddled back in with her until she nodded off again at 4... and then couldn't get back to sleep myself. I turned on my phone and sent a message to an old friend i recently re-discovered. Lisa wrote me back 7 minutes later...she has been down the cancer/chemo road many times and is in the middle of another fight. There is nothing like sharing pain with someone who has been where you are...and has travelled down the road where you are headed... who is up at 4 am because they are hurting too.

After a long day of pet/cat scans, hormone stimulation tests and meeting more specialists and nurses than I've ever met in my life, Dr. B decided that it would make sense to send us home for the night. Sadie's chemo wasn't going to be ready until 9pm tonight and then we would have to stay the night again and they needed our room for another family from Calgary. I was thrilled to go home... one more day to let the reality of the coming chemo sink in. One day with all of us back together under the same roof before this sharp turn.

Curt came and picked us up and drove us home. The kids ran out to meet us and Ellie wrapped herself around me in a bear hug. So happy to have us home. When we came in the door, Sadie's face lit up to see the huge banner Grampsie had made with her brothers and sisters "Welcome Home Sadie!!" And then we melted into the mundane. Games of crib, music, books, quading, feeding the goats, snuggling on the couch, and I snuck around stealing each one of the kids off to a little corner of the house for a "one on one." Darren wanted hugs and he wanted me to read his latest writing for school and help him with some music. Robin wanted to talk about what a great teacher gramps was. Ellie wanted to tell me how independent gramps was letting her be while working on her math. Wes wanted to cuddle and have books read to him. Eva wanted to nurse. My oldest daughter Carrie melted into tears on my bed. "Mom, she's all bent over when she walks... she's so little and in pain. I didn't think it would be this bad." We talked like friends... like equals... sharing pain. I thought of my newly "re-found" friend Lisa and explained the old quote to Carrie that says "Let it be that a joy shared is a joy multiplied and a sorrow shared is a sorrow divided." Thankful for family and friends who have chosen to divide this sorrow amongst them and bear this burden with us. Thankful for Lisa who lets us divide her sorrows... Thankful for sorrows divided on a Tuesday.

Lies on a Monday

"For my sighing comes before I eat, And my groanings pour out like water. For the thing I greatly feared has come upon me. And what I dreaded has happened to me. I am not at ease, nor am i quiet. I have no rest for trouble comes." Job 3: 24-26

Last night we had a home bible study kick off which had been planned for months. I was honestly really wanting to hide in the bedroom but it ended up being a good, upbeat night with less worries than I would have had if I had locked myself in my room. Guess who showed up? The nurse from our church who had greeted us at the pediatric oncology clinic! Also, when I went to superstore earlier that day, I turned around just in time to see Sadie's oncology case worker round the corner by the health food section. Interesting coincidences...
This morning, we rolled our little suitcase into the pediatric oncology ward and there was "Rae-lee", the nurse who forever will be the image of God's wink, waiting to greet us. My heart was churning like my stomach but I cheerily pointed out Rae-lee to Sadie as I squeezed her tiny hand 3 times. (3 hand squeezes means "I love you" in our family). I chatted up Sadie and the nurses and laughed about farm animals and which of our animals was the ugliest while they took her blood... And my head spun and heart ached. My outward attitude and my inward emotion did not match... All lies I became worried they were going to cancel surgery because of her cold and I was also scared they would go ahead with The surgery....I didn't mind the 2 1/2 hour wait until she went in. I wanted time to stand still... Another little girl invited her to watch her get her chemo and i wanted to bawl. I talked like an excited kindergarten teacher... More lies. Time was not going to stand still...Her name was called and I happily took sadies hand and talked to her as if we were going to grandmas house. Oh what lies. I couldnt see her doubt but I could feel it. I changed her into her gown and she clung to me. "I need ALL your snuggles Mommy!". (finally some truth). "I need all your snuggles too Sadie!". We clung to each other up to the operating room. When we went in all I saw was "operating room equipment" and fear filled me. They asked Sadie to get on my lap and I held her tiny form as the drugs took her away in less time than I could name all of her brothers and sisters who would visit her later. They took her from my arms and the "show" was over. I disintegrated into tears and sofly begged the surgeon to be gentle...adding. "I know you will...". Curt texted me and when we saw each other across the cafeteria I lost it again. He handed Eva to me and I buried my tears in her baby neck with kisses. When he left, I hid in the darkened toy room of the day ward. Another mama found me there, turned on the lights and brought her daughter Desiree in to talk to me. "You're new aren't you?". We shared stories and drug facts and time-lines and her daughter who is a dancer, showed me her foot where the tumor had been removed and talked about
Why she chose to keep the hair that didn't fall out (tiny long strands) braided in a dainty braid down her back and why she chose the port she did. So mature for 10. Sadie came to me wheeled on a bed, teary and tired and sore. Today was not the fun one on one date we pretended it to be... But she knew it all along. Last week it was all about truth. What would happen today, how it would feel, how it would look... (you tube was a treasure trove for prep)... But today was a day of lies... Sweet little lies. I love you baby. You did so well living in the land of let's pretend today. But now the truth; today wasn't a fun one on one date with mom.

Today was the day you got your "port"... Today hurt... In every way. Today we clung to each other because we were both afraid. Keep clinging baby. There will be more days of pretending...

The cup.

When we got the chemo treatment plan for Sadie, i went home in frenzy mode. I couldn't stop working, cleaning, baking, playing, planning, sweating. People were talking to me about Sadie and i felt i was talking a mile a minute and to be honest i felt a little crazy. I was going all day without remembering to eat or drink. Bedtime would come and i would lay there for ever, going over and over in my head the last few weeks of staying up into the wee hours of the morning taking notes of internet lectures on LCH. Then i would go over again the diagnosis conversation...and finally start agonizing about all the "what ifs" of the year to come. I would wake up at 5 am and that was it for me... i was up. And then i crashed. I wrote my family who have been praying for us. Some words just have to come out or they will beat your heart out of you:

"I Can't sleep anymore... can't eat, forget to drink, sweating like crazy and working like i'm posessed. I wake up too early and then think about how Sadie will feel after surgery... and that it`s just the beginning for her...Thinking of Jesus praying `Father if it`s possible, take this cup from me.. and then...let your will be done...`and it has new meaning...and it`s terrible. He was truly human and he understands this fear. But it`s 5 in the morning and i`m sobbing on the couch. I wish it were me that could take the cup from Sadie. -j"

There are so many moments from the past few days i want to keep in this blog, all together. I may clip and paste from here or there as it's hard to get it all down. Time is suddenly speeding towards a sharp turn and I want to capture every moment of our lives "before chemo" as i know in my heart that life will never be the same again.

Sadie's Diagnosis

Some of you will have read this already, being friends on Facebook... but i wanted it here for *me*. These days are moving lightening fast and i want a record of some of the events that shape this year. When everything began with Sadie the blogging was frustrating. We knew she had DI... but not *why* she had DI... we felt there had to be a reason behind it. Doctors suspected too but needed more evidence to prove their diagnosis. Recently, we went for our regular endocrinology check up and talked with Dr. M. When she was weighed and measured, the nurse stopped when she plotted Sadie's height and looked at me..."Oh! It looks like she took a dip on her height curve chart." I wasn't concered because the last i heard was that her growth factor tests came back all within normal range. Then we saw Dr. M and he informed us that one of the tests did come back low. We were sent for a hormone stimulation test to measure the actual growth hormone and a general hormone check on everything else. This was a 5 hour, two part test. Results came back and one part was low and the other part was MISSING! They missed even checking the growth hormone for the second part of the test. SO, we went in again and results showed that she also was not producing growth hormone for the second half of the test. Because of this, we were sent back to Dr. B.... the pediatric oncologist. After 2 1/2 years, we have a diagnosis and an answer as to *why* she has DI. Sadie has something called Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis, It is rare. Scientists do not know whether to call it a cancer (where the cells are cloning) or an immune response disorder (as it is a langerhans cells...involved in the immune system that are "gathering" all in one spot). In her case, they are "gathering" in her pituitary. To me, it doesn't matter... it acts like a cancer, it is treated like a cancer, and it's dangerous like a cancer... and it's in her pituitary. It is "high risk" for recurrence (40%) and also for neuro-degeneration down the road as it is considered a "special site" being in the head. Dr. B's response to these findings was swift. Sadie will be given 12 month long chemotherapy which clinically has been shown to cut the chances in half and also be on steroids for a year. Here are the findings all together so that you can get a picture of where we're at: MRI imaging shows her pituitary is in the wrong place, not lit up ( which means it's not working) and also thickened. She has lost the ability to hold water (Her Anti-diuretic hormone has been gone for 2 1/2 years) and she takes a synthetic hormone to replace that. Recently, tests showed that she had also lost her growth hormone. Growth hormone affects every aspect of your body (hair, teeth, bones...) so after this is all over, she will have to take daily injections of a synthetic version of that hormone as well. To look at her, she looks like the perfect, happy kid, but this disease is in the brain, slowly stealing hormones and has a high chance of spreading. The next likely hormone to be knocked out is her sex hormones (these hormones tell the body when to hit puberty and for how long...etc) Doctors were unable to take a biopsy of the pituitary so were waiting to treat until they had more evidence. That's why diagnosis was suspected for awhile now but she wasn't diagnosed. It has felt to me like someone told me "your child is drowning... but let's stand on the dock here and just watch her flail for awhile..." There is relief for treatment finally and at the same time... a creeping in of fear as we teeter on the edge of this cliff. The other kids have been playing "Doctor" with the little ones in prep for this coming week as Sadie will have surgery to implant a port for chemo, a pet/cat scan to look for other lesions, a hormone stimulation test to check her cortisol levels before prednisone affects them so they have something to compare, and then she will start her first treatment of chemo and steroids. We made up a little picture map of each test and for how long it has to go on until she can move on to the next one and finally come home. The medicines are prednisone and vinblastine and most likely she will gain quite a bit of weight, be grumpy and...the rest i'm going to hope is minimal. Her hair most likely will *not* fall out with these meds...which she has started to be a bit concerned about the chances of... anyways, if you would pray for confidence, a positive attitude and wisdom for us as parents, grace for the other kids, *strength*, minimal side effects and healing for Sadie, that would be good. I know people will tell her she's brave. I know there will be moments she won't feel brave. Holding my breath. When we went in for our appointment the other day, i was sitting at the kiddie table with my binder of studies and notes and another notebook i had filled with diagrams and notes from online seminars and the nurse came in to get Sadie. It always feels so foreign to be at the hospital...especially in the pediatric oncology unit... When i looked up to greet the nurse, it was a lady from our church! I don't know her well and i had no idea she worked there... but I just fell into her arms. Her presence there was like a big *wink* from God saying "Hey Jess! I'm here too!!" We are really sensing God's presence through all of this. He has placed himself so obviously in the "details"...falling in love with Him in a new desperate way. - j

The Big "One"

In a week full of beautiful events: visits from friends i haven't seen in years, a men's hunting trip for Elk before the school year starts, a last minute road trip to Grand Prairie to see my 7 nieces and nephews all be baptized at once... landed this precious little milestone... Eva's first birthday. :) These traditional extended family birthday meals have become so familiar, comfortable and anticipated events. This first birthday passed as sweetly as all the other first birthday's before it. Eva sat on Robin's lap to open presents. When she opened a little pack of rubber bath toys Wes declared "That one's for ME!!" :) She ate more ice cream cake than ham and scalloped potatoes, she fell asleep before the first guests left and she spilled a full, icy cup of pop down into grandmas lap. Eva, what a precious gift of life you bring to this home and family. May God be the center of your heart...because out of your heart flows every other issue of life. I love you.

Sadie update: I called regarding Sadie's hormone stimulation test results and got this disappointing response: It was a two part test and one test confirms the other test. Both have to say she is low in order to confirm that her growth hormone has in fact been affected by the lesion on her pituitary. The first test came back at 3. She should have hit at least 8. (an obviously low reading) A few days later the second test came in and the lab had neglected to even check growth hormone! SO... we have to go back in to do the second half of the test again. Our road trip and visit to Grand Prairie will be shortened to one day so that Sadie can go back in to the hospital Monday morning. My good friend Crystal arrived on the day we got this news and the day she left, we got talking about the saying "it is what it is" and how much i have come to love that saying....With a heart that so anxiously wants to worry no matter if i can do anything or not, those words have a calming affect on me. Crystal has a Japanese heritage and she told me, "The Japanese have a saying which means the same, "Shikata ga nai." which translates "It can't be helped." Trying to let my shoulders hang looser as i let those foreign words roll off my tongue today.

sadie update-July 2011

I haven't posted in such a long time and so many happy days have gone ahead of this one... it's a shame that they aren't included in this little record of our lives... but for today, it's Sadie again. I know my extended family reads this as it is passed around so it has become an easy way to update everyone at once as to what is going on with Sadie. We had our follow-up appointment with endocrinology this morning at 8am in the city. The last MRI showed (again) more thickening (a 3mm thickening of Sadie's pituitary, which is considered "abnormal"). Pediatric Oncology was supposed to weigh in on the results from this May 10th scan but after 3 calls this morning, he still has not compared scans. I received an apology and a promise to get it done right away and an excuse that he has been away and that he was not sure whether to leave it or not as there hadn't been a change in any other area. There has been a change though...and after typing this part 4 times over, i'll say it as simply as i can. Her growth hormone byproduct (which they tested recently) is low. While "normal" is between 50 and 248, hers is at 32. This finding, put together with her growth chart, which today showed a dip instead of of a continual up-ward curve in the height department is leading us to the next step. Sadie will be admitted again for a 4-5 hour test in which they will inject a medication which should force her body to produce growth hormone so they can measure the growth hormone directly (and not just the by-product of the hormone). Her blood will be tested repeatedly over the 4-5 hours. If she passes this test and peaks at "8", we're off the hook. If she does not peak at "8", she will need growth hormone injections daily. Just like her Vasopressin deficiency, the growth hormone deficiency would be a permanent thing. Please pray with us that this hormone has not been wiped out as well!...and if it has, that we will have the wisdom and strength to deal with the journey in that direction towards pediatric oncology. Thanks for reading this if it was passed on to you... and if our little one comes to your mind please lift her in prayer to our Heavenly Father who knows and loves us all best.

She's come undone

Life has been a good kind of busy and full lately but it feels as though all i do is stand in the middle of the action and bite my fingers. Curt and Darren stole away for a night on an impromptu bear hunt, Wes (2) has been hunting moles and learning to ride his bike, Carrie is one of only 2 girls on her highly competitive ball team and is going full tilt as are Robin and Ellie who are being coached by Curt this year. Darren has ball too but it seems to get cancelled more often than not, which suits him (and me) fine. A lot of nights i am left home with the three little ones while the rest head off to their respective diamonds. Sadie and Wes are not that fond of baseball and trying to watch a game and nurse a baby, deal with a potty trainer and a 5 year old who wants to go for ice cream is not as relaxing as staying home and playing in the bush. Potty training has backslidden for poor Wes as we tried to get his daytime nap back in there somehow. That's been discouraging! But he is a goofball and tease and maturing in so many other ways. The other night I said "I love you Wes!" and he answered with "I wuv my bike!" When i reacted to that he thought it was great fun so now he will come up to me and say "Do you wike me?" and i say "Oh Wes! I LOVE you so much!" and then he will say "I Love DAD!!" and laugh. The other day i said "I love you!" as i left him at his grandmas to make an appointment in town and he responded with "I wuv you too mom." I went wild and ran back to him with hugs and kisses and then he laughed and said "I wuv buggin' you mom!" Some days i can't believe that he is only 2! Such a tease. Sadie has been planting little gardens of wildflowers and vegetables in the bushes with me and the rest of the kids and making mud cakes with Wes while we build forts and shower each other with bug spray. She hasn't changed for the worse or the better that i've noticed other than complaining of headaches more often than my other kids ever did and having less energy than they did. Her most recent MRI showed a 3mm thickening of the pituitary stalk so we have been getting blood work-ups again... and i know this is one of the reasons for my anxiety. When there are suspicions with Sadie's MRI's, i seem to gravitate again to late nights of researching on the Internet and i feel like i could let the world go on ahead of me but i just have to wait in that same spot until the doctors tell me it's all going to be okay again...The children's game "Red light/Green light" comes to mind as i try to explain my feelings. Right now, i'm frozen on a "Red light". Blood tests that have come back so far for tumour markers and hormones have all been good, so now we wait to see what the pediatric oncologist has to say again...No easy way to diagnose LCH... if that's what it is and lesions could take years to appear after initial DI symptoms are apparent...and so... Here I stand...in the middle of their growing up years... holding my breath. It's not me. I was designed to be a whirlwind of activity...and yet, God has provided for me to sit still and listen for His voice. I'm not angry anymore, like i was for years after Darren was diagnosed with epilepsy... and then again when Sadie seemed to be such a medical mystery. I noticed the other day that my anger is gone. I'm sad. I think the sadness was always there but it was mostly overshadowed by my anger. I've had sadness burst out of the cracks though... laying in bed one night and suddenly, surprisingly, out of the blue, i burst into wracking sobs. Curt, awake beside me didn't say a thing. Didn't even roll over. I think he *knew*. I've been praying for a new perspective though...and i think this sorrow is a move in the right direction. I'm done having a stare-off with God. I'm feeling more like falling into his chest. My inadequacy is obvious...the doctors inadequacy is obvious...but God is *not* inadequate. He is the designer of my children, the designer of this life and this heart. And He's pulling me in closer to His life, and His heart.

Do I look okay?

After dropping Darren off at youth, we stopped by the grocery store to pick up party food. Getting out of the van, Robin suddenly realized what she was wearing..."Um, mom, do you think i look okay?...Maybe I should stay in the van!" I hadn't noticed anything out of the ordinary so looked up to see what she was talking about. Curt saw her first and burst into hooting. "Woooo HOO HOO HOOOOOO!!! You look FANTASTIC! WOW!" Robin: "Um, maybe I'll take off my coat. Is this better mom?" Me (laughing) "I have to get a picture of this!" Curt grabbed her and posed. As we walked in she ran up next to me, needing reassurance. "Mom, do you think i look weird?" And as if on cue, a man walked by, pushing his cart and wearing plaid pajama bottoms blowing in the spring breeze. "Are you kidding Robin? Look at that guy! He's got his jammies on!!"

The "Kids"

I was preparing pork chops and rice tonight for dinner and Sadie walked past me with a little white bowl filled to the brim with raw rice grains. "I'm going to hide these ALL over the house and then we can go find them!!" (*big happy grin*)

At the dinner table today Darren was teasing Wesley. Wes was trying to tease him back by yelling "Don't Robin!" "Don't Carrie!!" Darren looked at the rest of us. "See? That just proves that I am Everyone and Everything to him!"
...perspective. :)

The Homecoming

Sitting at the piano tonight after the little kids were all tucked away, I lured Darren in with his fiddle to play worship songs with me. I have been making lyric sheets up with harmonies written in alphabet form... I am not good at writing out music properly...but Darren gets it. :)
So many nights since the kids were little have been spent by the light of my piano light belting out worship songs by myself. I wonder if my kids will remember that about me.
The way i remember my mom.
When my sisters and I were put to bed at night i remember listening to my mom at the piano. One song in particular stands out for me...for all of us. It was a popular song at the time. She played "The Homecoming". Even the name made my sentimental heart ache, and laying in my bed each night listening to that same melody is a memory that is hard to package in a story for my kids... it was hearing the emotion in the way mom played too. I wondered what she was thinking as she played. Some nights i feel like i am playing myself towards a "homecoming" of my own. I ache for Heaven. I can't wait to see Him face to face. I wonder if my kids hear that when i play. I hope so.

The Tea Party

Sadie and Wes bringing their plan together.

Chef Wesley.

Buddies.

Preparing desserts.




Sneaking a taste.

The reasons why

Eva cried at 2am.
Because she cried, I nursed her.
Because I nursed her, I was thirsty.
Because I was thirsty, I went to the kitchen for a drink.
Because I went to the kitchen for a drink, I realized I was hungry.
Because I realized I was hungry, I remembered there was Haagen Dazs in the freezer.
Because I remembered there was Haagen Dazs in the freezer, I ate it.
Because I ate it (around 2 in the morning), I didn't have to share with my husband and 7 children.
Because I didn't have to share, I ate in complete silence.
Eva should cry at 2 am more often...

I wonder if this is how loud it is at the Jespersen's?

After dinner today, Carrie asked me to teach her how to play the piano. (*insert frantically excited hyperventilation here*) She had gone to a friends' house for a birthday party and found that she was able to play all of her fiddle tunes on a toy piano her friend had because all the keys were labeled with the notes. I pretty much ran to my filing cabinet and pulled out a copy of Leila Fletcher Book One and we started working through each page. I say "we" because i can't control myself when it comes to music.
Where there was a "duet" part for the "teacher" i played it.
Where there were lyrics i sang them.
Where the song called for a small drum, i grabbed a toy tin pot from the desk behind me and dinged it with a pencil.
Where it called for a trumpet, Carrie looked at me expectantly and laughed... and i did my best.
Oh yeah... and Carrie played her piano part. :)
By this time, of course we had drawn a crowd.
Darren: "Why would he stick a feather in his cap and call it macaroni?"
Me: Because he's a nerd... next song! (I was not going to be distracted when things were going so well...we were on page 30!) and then...
Wesley: "POOOOOOP! POOP! POOP! POOP! MOOOOM! poop mom."
At my house that word trumps whatever else is going on... that and the word "barf".
I got up from the piano and suddenly i saw myself and my life from an outsiders' point of view. I was in my nightie at 6:30, wet hair in a towel at the piano, dinging a pot with a pencil and disrespecting Yankee doodle dandy in front of impressionable children. As i trotted Wesley to the washroom (who had taken off his diaper and used the "closet for a deposit" under the not so watchful eye of his father) we passed Sadie. She was riding her new training wheeled bike that she just got for her birthday into the music room.
"Mom! The purple paint shines!!"
Me: "Yeah! So pretty Sadie!"
The kitchen counter was covered with bean plants growing in large egg cartons for Ellie and Sadie's science lesson, and the giggling and piano plunking went on without me. Yes it's loud... and a little chaotic sometimes around here with seven kids...But I'll bet you have days like this too!

The breakfast

I guess i have my own vanity and my friend Andrea to thank for these ridiculous thoughts... Andrea's really not to blame... i'm just not good at taking responsibility for myself. I KNOW no one wants to hear about anyone's weight loss or gain or food intake for that matter! It's really not that exciting....but i'm going to bore you with it anyways.
Awhile back, i asked friends for help regarding post partum weight loss. I got the token "Give yourself 9 months." (...yeah, i may be pregnant by then!) I also got the hardcore workout schedule from one friend. (not gonna happen.) I had already tried the "Pretend you have actually lost weight by buying HUGE pants." and also the "Buy way to skinny pants so that you are so uncomfortable during the day and remember that you need to lose weight." tricks.
Neither of them were working.
Instead... i was gaining.
Then i got a message from Andrea. She told me "Drink lots of water, resist overloading on carbs, and eat *less* than you normally would...Oh yeah! and we will e-mail each other what we ate during the day! Well... I lost 5 lbs in 2 weeks. Then we quit e-mailing menus. Now i'm at a standstill. (p.s. i know why i am at a standstill but i'm not telling that the reason is nachos.) ANYways... I usually have toast in the morning, but I've been trying to lower my carbs intake (which is "epic" as the kids today like to say) so i've been eating eggs. Today it was a soft boiled egg. Usually my kids LOVE hardboiled eggs and i smash up a whole dozen at a time and it doesn't strike me this same way. Today though, my kids found Honey Nut Cheerios more tempting and I was left to have an egg by myself. It is strange cooking breakfast for *one* when i'm used to doing it for 7! I took the perfect compact little breakfast so generously provided by a hard working chicken, boiled it in my little pot and when the time was right, took it out with a spoon and rinsed it under cold water. It was at this point that the whole thing started to feel like some kind of miniature Japanese tea party. So ceremonious was this undertaking of my personal breakfast! First, i used a knife to soundly crack my egg and split it in two. Then, i carefully weilded a spoon and gently scooped out both sides into my bowl. I then took a fork and smashed some butter, salt and pepper into my egg. Is it REALLY this complicated to eat an egg? I need a knife, a fork AND a spoon? All i could think was... "I could have eaten a whole LOAF of bread by now. This is ridiculous!" But it WAS delicious.

Sadie Update

Well, this will be short. The X-rays were clear! :) :)
I talked to Dr B (oncologist) this week and he reported that the x-rays were clear of any lesions and the previous lesion seen on the cat scan did *not* appear to be an LCH lesion. Because of the thickening of the pituitary, however, they will be keeping tabs on Sadie through her endocrinologist to make sure that the thickening is not the beginning of something more sinister. She will continue to have MRI's every 6 months, and she continues with her hormone replacement. Even though we are, in a way, back where we started at the beginning of this roller-coaster of "what-if's", I am THRILLED. :) No lesions, No biopsy, No medication. Just a watchful eye. If she complains of any consistent pain in any part of her body, we need to take her in as it could be LCH lesions.
There is something in me that is changing through this. I feel as though i am being systematically taught that no matter where this specific road leads... i am to *trust* God. I'm to *rest* in Him. The words "*abide* in Him" keep coming to mind. "Abide": to rest or dwell...to remain...to stand still for once, look him in the peaceful face, pay attention to Him alone...and to stop living in the torment of my worries. To live in His strength.
...i am weak, but He is strong. -j

Now you see it, now you don't.

Well, it was an interesting appointment today. We went to see Dr. B. about the results from the follow-up CAT and PET scans and blood work. Here is the simplest way to explain the appointment:

The blood work for tumour markers came back normal this time. :D
One of the scans for bone lesions was clear. (The one that was supposed to light up any lesions.)
The second scan showed a non-lit-up lesion on her scull on the left parietal section.
Dr. B. (oncologist/hematologist) decided to consult on the spot with a neuro-surgeon regarding a possible biopsy of the lesion to determine whether or not the lesion was LCH (langerhans cell histiocytosis) which is what they were looking for with the scans. He told us that if the neurosurgeon said it would be too invasive, then he had the option of doing a 6 week course of treatment. (There is no other way to diagnose LCH as it does not show up in the blood or anywhere else...so we would be treating on an educated "guess" without the biopsy.)
We waited for the neurosurgeon to weigh in.
He arrived, felt her scalp, looked at the scans and asked if she had complained of any pains.
We said no.
He said that he could not see any lesions on the scan that had supposedly shown a lesion, that he couldn't feel a lesion on Sadie's scalp and that since she is presenting with no other symptoms besides DI, he would not recommend a biopsy.
He then ordered some good old fashioned X-rays to confirm whether or not there was a lesion where the other scan seemed to suggest.
He doubts it.
I do too at this point.
Dr. B. gave us the paperwork and told us he would call us with the results later on today and we went downstairs and got the x-rays done.
Now again...we wait.
It won't feel like this leg of the journey is over until Dr. B. says we don't have to ever see him again. So i'm holding myself back from going crazy with glee... and at the same time.
:D
This sure feels like a fantastic answer to prayer.
grateful.

provision

I was reading my sister's blog the other day and the following quote from the story of Jonah was included with her entry.

"But the Lord provided a great fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was inside the fish three days and three nights."

I suppose being swallowed by a huge fish (and living) is an improvement on drowning...but still. It probably wouldn't have been too pleasant either. When i read it, my heart snagged on the word "provided".
It wasn't that the Lord "allowed" a great fish to swallow Jonah. The Lord "provided" a great fish to swallow Jonah.
Instead of launching into a lengthy diatribe on the whole story, I'm going to leave it at a thought that has been sticking with me this week.
Sometimes God's provision looks weird.
Sometimes it's uncomfortable, frightening or even painful.
Sometimes we forget what the alternative to his provision might have been.
Sometimes we need to thankful for the weird and the uncomfortable because they may just be the things that give us the perspective we need for the road ahead.

Jespersen Lexicon

The kids:
"Mibbles" ---translation--- pimples
"Boff"--------translation---barf
"Ti-gar"-----translation----guitar
"un-racer"---translation---eraser
"wetter"---translation---washing machine
"Low-grit"--translation----yogurt
"Mom, come look at the toilet"---translation---The toilet is overflowing.
"I don't have any socks."---translation---I'd really rather steal your socks mom.
"I didn't get any sugar on my cereal."---translation---I only got a cup of sugar.
"That makes me Boff."---translation---I don't like what we're having for dinner.
"Darren DON'T!!"---translation---Darren DON'T (difficult saying to understand even though the translation is very similar... that is to say, it is one and the same.)
"I don't feel good."---translation---I don't want to do what you are asking of me.
"Thanks mom, thanks mom, i love you mom...etc..."---translation---I love dinner tonight.
"Mom. mom. mom. mom. mom. mom"---translation---Everyone is talking at once and I want to have something to say too, even if I don't have anything to say. (*note* These short word bursts are often followed by "I forgot what i wanted to tell you.")



The adults:
"She needs you"--translation---The baby pooped her pants.
"That's discouraging."---translation---That's too bad.
"Bounder"---translation---trickster, jerk
"LOOKS were never YOUR problem."---translation---Your attitude always WAS.
"What do ya figure?"--translation---Let's talk.
"And?"---translation--- Let's talk.
"What did you find?"---translation---Are you okay? (after a child falls down to the ground)
"Good eye!"---translation---The response given when a child has told you he/she has seen something in the landscape.
"I'm so discouraged."---translation--- Tell me you love me and everything will be okay...again.
"Good idea."---translation---This is a commonly practiced response to be given to a child who has any suggestion or idea such as "Let's snuggle." or "Will you read to me?" or "Let's play flashlight tag." or "Can we make popcorn?"

The little archer

Here is Wes (almost 2) and his new trick. He's been watching the other kids shoot bows and arrows quite a bit lately and it's contagious. He started practicing with my hair elastics, hangars and sticks. Even his thumb makes a good pretending bow and arrow for him. I got him a pack of headbands which are a huge hit. His fancy new swimming suit Curt bought him is priceless.

Two great minds of Science

During the part of the day that Wesley settles down for a nap, I read aloud to the kids. Some history, some science, some fun reading and some health. For the past week, we've been reading the life story of Marie Curie for science. Sadie (4) sometimes listens while hanging upside down on the couch silently or sits doing her writing and illustrating in her journal. I'm never quite sure how much or how little is being absorbed. Today was a "hanging upside down" kind of day. Suddenly there was a BOOM. I quit reading and looked up to see Sadie flopped unceremoniously on her bum, blond hair flipped into her face, mouth wide open in shock. Everyone had a good laugh as she got herself sitting prim on the couch as if nothing had happened and i resumed reading. At the end of the chapter i called her over to look at the picture of Marie Curie and Albert Einstein out for a walk together. She pointed to them and commented, "Now which one is Murray and which one is Curry?"

A Walk to Remember

Today I met my sisters at the legislature buildings for the "Walk to Remember" - honouring little lives lost to miscarriage, still birth & early infant loss.

Driving home Sadie brought up the balloons that had been released by the mothers as their babies' names were called out from the platform.

"I think i know where all those balloons went mom."
"Where?"
"Up into Heaven."
"And then what happened to them."
"And then Jesus gave them out to everyone."
"To who?"
"To all the little babies who died...because Jesus is a good Jesus. He takes care of us."

A common problem at our house.

Ellie came up to get me to proof-read her note to the "tooth fairy" tonight. It reads:

"I lost my tooth.
But I don't want to give it to you.
But I still want money."

gratitude not guilt

One day, years ago we attended a pool party for the church. Someone in the church had rented out the entire facility so that it was free for all of us. When one of our friends found out that none of us had to pay, he announced "Wow! I feel blessed!" He was sincere but it struck me funny at the time and his statement became a little bit of a family joke. When someone would do something nice for another person in our family we would laugh and say "Wow! I feel blessed!!" I'm understanding why it struck me so funny that day and i think part of it was my own immaturity. Accepting help, or kindness has never been a forte for me. The spectre of *Guilt* following me around has always been too much of a risk. Maybe part of it is fear of criticism for taking the help or maybe it's pride on my part (that i can *do* what needs to get done on my own without help)? These past few weeks have been humbling though and i found myself saying "yes" when people offered to bring meals or babysit, or clean. My oldest daughter has been coming into my room every morning for almost 4 weeks straight now asking if she can take the baby and give me an extra hour of sleep. I'm learning to say "thanks" and "I feel blessed." And it's not that funny anymore.
It's profound.
So many people have said that they've been praying for Sadie and for us. I am at peace when i think of her situation... and find joy in thinking of the year ahead of us as a family. So thankful...so blessed.

Disco music to the rescue

I took my first foray into the real world again on Friday by heading into fiddle lessons in the city with all 7 kids in the 12 passenger van. We were going to pick up Curt on the way (thank goodness). I remember the first time leaving the house alone with all 6 kids after Wesley's birth. Those first tentative trips out of the house and towards normalcy are always so memorable and momentous for me...and a little frightening. Curt's cousin had given me a kids karaoke CD and as we turned out of the driveway and onto the road, i shoved it into the player without looking at the song contents. Suddenly, the first few bars of a song i have heard often blared into the van and i simultaneously burst into tears and laughter. Tears, because the theme and main lyric of the disco song "I Will Survive" seemed appropriate for the weeks worth of bobbing and drowning in the sea of worry (even though the song doesn't really apply any deeper than those 3 title words)... and laughter because the tears were so melodramatic. Besides, who listens to disco music with a straight face? I'm sorry, but only if you're dead is that possible. The van burst out in a wild frenzy of disco dancing and laughing. Ah! NORMALCY. :)



*Update on Sadie*

Just got a call from the hospital. Sadie will be going in for her CAT and PET scans at 8 am on October 21st. It's farther away than we thought but at least the date is set. A friend sent over meals this week and then the church sent me home with a box of frozen meals. So thankful.

Sister love

I was snuggling Eva and staring at her sweet 2 1/2 week-old alert face when Sadie crawled up next to us on the bed and started stroking Eva's cheek and kissing her.
"Awwwwwwe, your big googly eyes are so cute!"
I burst out laughing which frightened Eva to wild tears and Sadie had to scold me "Mom! Don't laugh at her!" :)

sadie update

Today was the appointment with Dr. B. the Oncologist/Hematologist. We waited almost 2 hours to get in with him. Sadie had a great time waiting as there was a little area with books, toys, art and a full-time art teacher and other children to play with. I saw her smile at the little girl across the table as they painted together and then i saw her face change to a question mark as she noticed that one of the little girls' eyes had been operated on and disfigured. I don't think she noticed that the one little boy had a bandage around his neck, one girl limped and jumped from place to place, and another little girl sounded like her voice-box had been altered. She just played. For me...every little detail was taken in. It was impossible, even with the highly positive people, murals and energy around us, to ignore the reality of where we were waiting. The tiles on the walls made by children and their families who were battling cancer, the newspaper clippings on the walls about how the sound of a mother's voice has been proven scientifically to release hormones/chemicals that soothe and heal, how the house across the hospital was recently been opened to accommodate families waiting on blood tests, a bald teenage boy being measured and weighed in the hall, a stylish looking teenage girl with her mom limping out of the exam room, big smile on her face. I looked over at Sadie's blond hair like a halo around her own beaming smile as she twirled her paintbrush on the paper plate. She doesn't belong here....does she?? Sadie flew out of the art station with a paper airplane and threw it down the hall to cheers from the art teacher and spent the next 15 minutes throwing it back and forth to Curt while i nursed a fussing Eva.

Finally we were called in.
The verdict.

There were 2 tumour markers that were checked along with the blood work: HCG and Alphafetoprotein. The HCG was normal but the AFP was right at the cut-off. (9) Dr B said that even so, if it were a germ cell tumour, the number would probably be much higher (1000!) because they grow so fast. He will be booking Sadie for a CAT and a PET scan and more blood work within a week or two and said that he would try to book them at the same time so that she would not have to be put to sleep twice. They would inject a low dose of radioactive dye before the tests which would illuminate any bone lesions (associated with LCH). He said that she may have LCH existing only in the pituitary, but to determine that, he would need to eliminate other options. With Sadie being so healthy otherwise, there is no reason to put her through the agony of a biopsy to determine this. If it is only in the pituitary, and not causing other endocrine problems, he would just monitor it closely for growth or change as treatment is usually to keep the child from developing DI... and Sadie already has that. All in all, it was a fairly encouraging appointment. So, i guess the short story is that we will be undergoing more tests. ...just noticed i said "we"... If you are praying with us, you are included in that "we".
James 1:2-8 comes to mind, so here it is in a "Message Bible" paraphrase:

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides.

You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely.

Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father.

He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it.

Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves.

Sadie's appointment/ blood work

Sadie's nurse called today to make sure that we had gotten appointments with the hematologist/oncologist and to let me know about the blood work. We do have a one hour appointment for this Monday morning with hematology/oncology. As far as the blood work, she said that so far, everything that had come in looked good. :) She said that they had checked two "tumour markers" and one looked good and the other hadn't come in yet. I was determined to get my home school schedule hammered out for certain last night but got caught up searching the Internet making sure i knew what to ask in the appointment on Monday. Really hoping for more of "nothing".

In an e-mail to my family this week i wrote: "I feel like i did when Sadie was born and Darren was diagnosed with epilepsy that same night...trapped between Joy and Dread. And then there is His face again. Catching my eye across the crowded room...no words, but He sees me.

On the side of Joy today was my friend Andrea. She came and took baby pictures of my little Eva. I can't wait to see what her artist-eye captured for me. Thank you so much Andrea. -j

Sadie's most recent MRI results

Here is the e-mail i sent my family this afternoon. Blood work is done and now we wait...again.

"You can send this out as we are asking for prayer. Sadie had her repeat MRI today at 10 am. At 3:30, Dr. M called us with the results and said that they found a change. There is a thickening of the pituitary stalk that they had been looking for and this is a change from the previous MRI results. (Repeated MRI's were to look for "changes" as a small, slow-growing tumour may not necessarily show up in the first MRI's.) He said that this could either be nothing, or it could be very serious. It could be one of two things:
1. a brain tumour
2. Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis (which her history leans more towards)
From what I've read in the past, both would require chemotherapy. Dr Marks has already talked to the Hematologist/Oncologist and said that he was going to call them back after he got off the phone with me. He is sending a requisition to the lab for us to get done and he said that we should have an appointment with Hematology/Oncology within 1-2 weeks. I just called the lab and the rec came in so we're going to go in tonight and try to get it done before the long weekend. Please pray for Sadie and for us as we navigate these waters with the kids. I am usually a woman of too many words and i don't want to say too much, or the wrong thing, or jump to any conclusions. Just to handle each little piece of information as it comes. Asking again for wisdom. -j"

5 days post partum

These 5 days are usually filled with what i call the "layers of pain"... one pain subsides only to introduce me to another one that had been waiting it's turn.
The lungs... not being able to fill all the way from the strenuous job of pushing.
The strange "emptiness" of a womb that had only days before been filled to capacity.
The afterpain contractions brought on by nursing, and the fullness that arrives around day 3 as colostrum eases out and milk enters with a bang.
The mystery of tears...also for me a phenomenon of "day 3".
The aching of muscles and bones as they learn to carry this new distribution of weight.
The incredible sensation of overheating and "sweating it out", (If i try to cool off i go into uncontrollable shivering that brings intense pins and needles and eventual itching in my palms and feet. I've decided to just ride the waves of heat.)
My aching heart for my husband to stay close-by.
...of course there are pains that will remain nameless...
Pregnancy and Birth have a way of stripping a woman down right to her core and starting her all over.
I am now a servant to this needy little one.
I am to
Bend...until I am laying dependant in the arms of my Heavenly Father.
and then
Break...so that my grip on my own selfishness is again retrained.
These 5 days have also included 2 of my other children becoming very ill with the flu, and 3 others suffering from hacking coughs and sore throats. Mom, if you read this... thanks for being here. You continue to bend and break to make room for my life as well. love you. -j

Eva's Birth

Well...I guess i blew it and opened the present before "Christmas" actually came. I went into my appointment on Tuesday and my Ob/Gyn checked to see if there was any progress. I was "less effaced" and "less dilated" than last week and baby Eva had dis-engaged from the pelvis. I said that i guessed i would see her again next week and she said no, that baby needed to come out this week as she was headed towards the 9 lber range and was still posterior (which had caused problems in my last 2 pregnancies.) She also figured that since i had passed my due date 20 days ago and the ultrasound due date now, that it was time to get things moving. I went home... had 2 days of turmoil and tears and decision/indecision. We called mom and dad in Victoria and told them that baby was going to be induced on Thursday so we needed them to come up right away to be here for Wednesday night. They drove all Wednesday, stopping in Hinton to visit my sister on the way and crawled into bed in the wee hours. I didn't even see them that night. The hospital called at 6:30 Thursday morning and told me to shower, eat breakfast and come in by 7:45 for an induction at 9am. It was surreal walking down those hallways again after less than 2 years. This pregnancy had taken us by surprise and now the imminent delivery of this new little life just seemed so hard to believe...ALREADY! It went so fast. We got settled in the labouring room, I was gowned up and set up with the baby monitor for an hour before they began the drip just to make sure that Eva was okay. At 9, the nurse started the oxytocin and asked me if i needed anything. I told her that i wanted to try labouring on the labouring ball and that i might want to try the bar as well as baby was posterior...and of course an unlimited supply of nitrous oxide. I was hoping that these would help with her position during the delivery. The nurse came in with a labour ball and i sat on it only to discover that my feet didn't touch the ground! She brought another one and wow! I wish i had've used one for all the other births. I walked the halls, but mostly rocked on the ball for pretty much the whole labour. Curt rubbed my back. A labouring first. But whenever the nurse would come in he would pretend he hadn't been doing anything. haa! At 11:15 my water broke (clear! yay!) and at 12:00 i had the first contraction that brought tears to my eyes. I don't know if other women are like me, but there is "fun labour" (in the beginning, when all it is is excitement and recognizable contractions) and then all of a sudden a contraction comes that means business and the reality of what is ahead suddenly sinks in... and for me, i tear up. I looked up at Curt. "I may need the laughing gas in a bit." I breathed through a few more contractions and then got Curt to hook up the gas for me.
MUCH better... and then it got worse... as labour is apt to do. When it became too much for me and i knew we were close, i told Curt he was going to have to help me up onto the bed. Somewhere between 1 and 1:30 i told him (not in full sentences of course) that unless he wanted to deliver baby on his own, he'd better call the nurse. I figured that Eva would be born by 2. Pushing began and my Dr. came in and realized that the front bag of waters had broken but that the head was blocking the waters from behind. She went in and broke them and there was meconium staining. The pediatrician had to be called in just in case Eva was in distress when she came out. Pushing only lasted about 30 mins. (A fantastic difference from Wes' 2 hours of pushing!) And Eva arrived. The cord was wrapped around her neck twice, but was quickly unwound and neither that, nor the meconium staining caused any problems for her. Those are the facts... there *are* details... and REALLY, the story is in the details, so here are some of them:

-The day before the induction i canned 7 jars of my 8 boxes of peaches. During my labour, my mom canned 35 quarts of peaches and used up every jar she could find in my house. I was shocked...and THANKFUL!!

-On the white-board by the front desk of labour and delivery, my request for "NO MALES" was written in bold black dry-erase marker. When the large, older, balding pediatrician was called into the room, i announced through puffs of my laughing gas "You'd better be one ugly WOMAN!" My OB just howled. The man averted his eyes for the whole time he was in the room. He rocked. Thank you strange man who attended my birth.

-During delivery, Curt usually stands by my HEAD, holds my hand (because i make him) and says little to nothing. This time, he bent down to my head and whispered encouragement...but when Eva came out he asked his usual question. "Is she dead?" A little picture of what he's been thinking. Poor Curt...I love him.

-After i deliver, i am always ravenously HUNGRY but this time i outdid myself. Here is what i ate: 7 pieces of buttered toast, One McChicken Meal from McDonalds, One full hospital meal... and then i writhed up to the desk and begged for a chaser of MALOX. Thank goodness for antacids after a ridiculous attack of the "hungries".

-Eva weighed 7 lbs 15 oz
-Eva has lots of dark hair,
long dainty, double-jointed fingers,
toes that make the "peace sign",
Curt's chin,
and everything else looks like Sadie. :)
-Eva's full name is Eva Found Sparrow Jespersen.
She is named after her great great grandmother (Margaret) Eva Found, and of course sparrow is for the bird...and a favourite song that reminds us that "His eye is on the sparrow, and i know He watches me."

Bai-Bow!! Bai-Bow!!

Last year i was feeling discouraged with myself. I've always wanted Bible reading and discussion to be an important part of our homeschool day. Year after year I've bought Bible curriculum and attempted to carry out my big fancy plans. We would read, memorize, do word studies and answer questions, finding locations on maps...The kids enjoyed it but we were taking a lot of time... and I worried about skimping out on other subjects. Slowly Bible would get pushed to the end of the day, tacked on as an afterthought. Finally, in frustration i begged Curt to take over and "do Bible study" with the kids. He agreed but warned me that he was going to do it HIS way. He would read only one chapter per night and i was not allowed to interrupt. (He knows me too well.)
It sounded simple enough...
for a normal person...
but i guess I'm not normal.
The first night, and every night, he read as if he were in a race... a monotone reading race. He did that every night. I would stop him and ask the kids questions, emphasizing the exciting parts that i felt they would miss with the way he was reading. He would patiently wait for me to shut up. He would stare at me and wait till i said "Kay, keep going." He stared a little longer at me and then would start again. I knew i was breaking our agreement.
He would mis-pronounce words. One night he was reading and when he got to a part where the cloud enVELoped the people, he read that it had ENveloped them. I swore he did it on purpose to test me. He smiled. "Ooops! haa haa! How do you like THAT one kids? It ENveloped them!"
When he got to a part that he deemed boring (the "begats") he would mumble "blah blah". (no explanation) When the story became inappropriate (when Potiphars wife begged Joseph to have sex with her.) His voice trailed off and he skipped ahead. (no explanation)... i bit my lip... but mostly i would interrupt...Trying to make sure the kids understood. He would stare and wait for me to tell him to continue. One day, i realized that we have been reading together consistently as a family for about a year...every night. We have blistered through books of the Bible together--one monotone chapter at a time. Curt in patience and obedience, me with my two bits thrown in every 5 seconds. I've never been that consistent. Neither has Curt. My view on Curt's methods drastically changed the other night. It was getting close to bedtime. Curt called for the kids to come downstairs and sit on the couch. He didn't say that we were going to read the Bible together. Then something happened. Something that made me cry. My almost 2 year old started hyperventilating and running for the fireplace where Curt's Bible sat waiting. And then he pounded it with his chubby little hands and started yelling BAI-BOW!! BAI-BOW!!
If a 1 and a half year old understands that Bible reading is something we do as a family, that it's an important part of our day together... what are the other kids learning? Since we started, I have learned to let little things go... and Curt doesn't mind my interruptions as much. He even stops and asks questions himself now. I'm learning that time spent in Bible reading and study does not have to be done "perfectly" but there *is* something magic that happens when we are consistent even with something little...and imperfect. Again, I'm learning that as we do our little part, God blesses by filling in the gaps with HIS part. Every aspect of our lives is lived in *partnership* with God. It's not all on our shoulders. His burden is light. A good lesson.