Dad

Dad: The guy who came, picked up the dropped balls, drills the middles with math facts, cuddles the baby, works at taming wild Wes, coaches the older two with their school work, helps me process all the tomatoes, loans me his car for chemo appointments in the big city while he teaches homeschool to the older 4, takes the little ones to the barn to see the baby goats, brought a theme song with him "Workin' for the Man" by Roy Orbison to be blasted during chore time, took my 13 year old son shopping for his first suit so he could usher at a wedding, started a reading club with the kids called "The Century Club", reads the bible with all the kids every morning, tells stories to Wes non stop about his favourite subject, "big, fat wolves", cheers like a madman at cross country until he can't talk anymore, gets the coffee pot on in the morning, puts together "best friend picnics" for the kids, pulls the kids aside for "one on one" encouragement, makes emergency runs to town... and keeps everything upbeat, and my days filled with the sentimental sounds of my childhood with his singing and guitar....and so much more.... Thanks Grampsie... as Wes would say "I *DOOO* love you. -j

She's come undone

Life has been a good kind of busy and full lately but it feels as though all i do is stand in the middle of the action and bite my fingers. Curt and Darren stole away for a night on an impromptu bear hunt, Wes (2) has been hunting moles and learning to ride his bike, Carrie is one of only 2 girls on her highly competitive ball team and is going full tilt as are Robin and Ellie who are being coached by Curt this year. Darren has ball too but it seems to get cancelled more often than not, which suits him (and me) fine. A lot of nights i am left home with the three little ones while the rest head off to their respective diamonds. Sadie and Wes are not that fond of baseball and trying to watch a game and nurse a baby, deal with a potty trainer and a 5 year old who wants to go for ice cream is not as relaxing as staying home and playing in the bush. Potty training has backslidden for poor Wes as we tried to get his daytime nap back in there somehow. That's been discouraging! But he is a goofball and tease and maturing in so many other ways. The other night I said "I love you Wes!" and he answered with "I wuv my bike!" When i reacted to that he thought it was great fun so now he will come up to me and say "Do you wike me?" and i say "Oh Wes! I LOVE you so much!" and then he will say "I Love DAD!!" and laugh. The other day i said "I love you!" as i left him at his grandmas to make an appointment in town and he responded with "I wuv you too mom." I went wild and ran back to him with hugs and kisses and then he laughed and said "I wuv buggin' you mom!" Some days i can't believe that he is only 2! Such a tease. Sadie has been planting little gardens of wildflowers and vegetables in the bushes with me and the rest of the kids and making mud cakes with Wes while we build forts and shower each other with bug spray. She hasn't changed for the worse or the better that i've noticed other than complaining of headaches more often than my other kids ever did and having less energy than they did. Her most recent MRI showed a 3mm thickening of the pituitary stalk so we have been getting blood work-ups again... and i know this is one of the reasons for my anxiety. When there are suspicions with Sadie's MRI's, i seem to gravitate again to late nights of researching on the Internet and i feel like i could let the world go on ahead of me but i just have to wait in that same spot until the doctors tell me it's all going to be okay again...The children's game "Red light/Green light" comes to mind as i try to explain my feelings. Right now, i'm frozen on a "Red light". Blood tests that have come back so far for tumour markers and hormones have all been good, so now we wait to see what the pediatric oncologist has to say again...No easy way to diagnose LCH... if that's what it is and lesions could take years to appear after initial DI symptoms are apparent...and so... Here I stand...in the middle of their growing up years... holding my breath. It's not me. I was designed to be a whirlwind of activity...and yet, God has provided for me to sit still and listen for His voice. I'm not angry anymore, like i was for years after Darren was diagnosed with epilepsy... and then again when Sadie seemed to be such a medical mystery. I noticed the other day that my anger is gone. I'm sad. I think the sadness was always there but it was mostly overshadowed by my anger. I've had sadness burst out of the cracks though... laying in bed one night and suddenly, surprisingly, out of the blue, i burst into wracking sobs. Curt, awake beside me didn't say a thing. Didn't even roll over. I think he *knew*. I've been praying for a new perspective though...and i think this sorrow is a move in the right direction. I'm done having a stare-off with God. I'm feeling more like falling into his chest. My inadequacy is obvious...the doctors inadequacy is obvious...but God is *not* inadequate. He is the designer of my children, the designer of this life and this heart. And He's pulling me in closer to His life, and His heart.

Do I look okay?

After dropping Darren off at youth, we stopped by the grocery store to pick up party food. Getting out of the van, Robin suddenly realized what she was wearing..."Um, mom, do you think i look okay?...Maybe I should stay in the van!" I hadn't noticed anything out of the ordinary so looked up to see what she was talking about. Curt saw her first and burst into hooting. "Woooo HOO HOO HOOOOOO!!! You look FANTASTIC! WOW!" Robin: "Um, maybe I'll take off my coat. Is this better mom?" Me (laughing) "I have to get a picture of this!" Curt grabbed her and posed. As we walked in she ran up next to me, needing reassurance. "Mom, do you think i look weird?" And as if on cue, a man walked by, pushing his cart and wearing plaid pajama bottoms blowing in the spring breeze. "Are you kidding Robin? Look at that guy! He's got his jammies on!!"

I wonder if this is how loud it is at the Jespersen's?

After dinner today, Carrie asked me to teach her how to play the piano. (*insert frantically excited hyperventilation here*) She had gone to a friends' house for a birthday party and found that she was able to play all of her fiddle tunes on a toy piano her friend had because all the keys were labeled with the notes. I pretty much ran to my filing cabinet and pulled out a copy of Leila Fletcher Book One and we started working through each page. I say "we" because i can't control myself when it comes to music.
Where there was a "duet" part for the "teacher" i played it.
Where there were lyrics i sang them.
Where the song called for a small drum, i grabbed a toy tin pot from the desk behind me and dinged it with a pencil.
Where it called for a trumpet, Carrie looked at me expectantly and laughed... and i did my best.
Oh yeah... and Carrie played her piano part. :)
By this time, of course we had drawn a crowd.
Darren: "Why would he stick a feather in his cap and call it macaroni?"
Me: Because he's a nerd... next song! (I was not going to be distracted when things were going so well...we were on page 30!) and then...
Wesley: "POOOOOOP! POOP! POOP! POOP! MOOOOM! poop mom."
At my house that word trumps whatever else is going on... that and the word "barf".
I got up from the piano and suddenly i saw myself and my life from an outsiders' point of view. I was in my nightie at 6:30, wet hair in a towel at the piano, dinging a pot with a pencil and disrespecting Yankee doodle dandy in front of impressionable children. As i trotted Wesley to the washroom (who had taken off his diaper and used the "closet for a deposit" under the not so watchful eye of his father) we passed Sadie. She was riding her new training wheeled bike that she just got for her birthday into the music room.
"Mom! The purple paint shines!!"
Me: "Yeah! So pretty Sadie!"
The kitchen counter was covered with bean plants growing in large egg cartons for Ellie and Sadie's science lesson, and the giggling and piano plunking went on without me. Yes it's loud... and a little chaotic sometimes around here with seven kids...But I'll bet you have days like this too!

The little archer

Here is Wes (almost 2) and his new trick. He's been watching the other kids shoot bows and arrows quite a bit lately and it's contagious. He started practicing with my hair elastics, hangars and sticks. Even his thumb makes a good pretending bow and arrow for him. I got him a pack of headbands which are a huge hit. His fancy new swimming suit Curt bought him is priceless.

Two great minds of Science

During the part of the day that Wesley settles down for a nap, I read aloud to the kids. Some history, some science, some fun reading and some health. For the past week, we've been reading the life story of Marie Curie for science. Sadie (4) sometimes listens while hanging upside down on the couch silently or sits doing her writing and illustrating in her journal. I'm never quite sure how much or how little is being absorbed. Today was a "hanging upside down" kind of day. Suddenly there was a BOOM. I quit reading and looked up to see Sadie flopped unceremoniously on her bum, blond hair flipped into her face, mouth wide open in shock. Everyone had a good laugh as she got herself sitting prim on the couch as if nothing had happened and i resumed reading. At the end of the chapter i called her over to look at the picture of Marie Curie and Albert Einstein out for a walk together. She pointed to them and commented, "Now which one is Murray and which one is Curry?"

A Walk to Remember

Today I met my sisters at the legislature buildings for the "Walk to Remember" - honouring little lives lost to miscarriage, still birth & early infant loss.

Driving home Sadie brought up the balloons that had been released by the mothers as their babies' names were called out from the platform.

"I think i know where all those balloons went mom."
"Where?"
"Up into Heaven."
"And then what happened to them."
"And then Jesus gave them out to everyone."
"To who?"
"To all the little babies who died...because Jesus is a good Jesus. He takes care of us."

A common problem at our house.

Ellie came up to get me to proof-read her note to the "tooth fairy" tonight. It reads:

"I lost my tooth.
But I don't want to give it to you.
But I still want money."

gratitude not guilt

One day, years ago we attended a pool party for the church. Someone in the church had rented out the entire facility so that it was free for all of us. When one of our friends found out that none of us had to pay, he announced "Wow! I feel blessed!" He was sincere but it struck me funny at the time and his statement became a little bit of a family joke. When someone would do something nice for another person in our family we would laugh and say "Wow! I feel blessed!!" I'm understanding why it struck me so funny that day and i think part of it was my own immaturity. Accepting help, or kindness has never been a forte for me. The spectre of *Guilt* following me around has always been too much of a risk. Maybe part of it is fear of criticism for taking the help or maybe it's pride on my part (that i can *do* what needs to get done on my own without help)? These past few weeks have been humbling though and i found myself saying "yes" when people offered to bring meals or babysit, or clean. My oldest daughter has been coming into my room every morning for almost 4 weeks straight now asking if she can take the baby and give me an extra hour of sleep. I'm learning to say "thanks" and "I feel blessed." And it's not that funny anymore.
It's profound.
So many people have said that they've been praying for Sadie and for us. I am at peace when i think of her situation... and find joy in thinking of the year ahead of us as a family. So thankful...so blessed.

Disco music to the rescue

I took my first foray into the real world again on Friday by heading into fiddle lessons in the city with all 7 kids in the 12 passenger van. We were going to pick up Curt on the way (thank goodness). I remember the first time leaving the house alone with all 6 kids after Wesley's birth. Those first tentative trips out of the house and towards normalcy are always so memorable and momentous for me...and a little frightening. Curt's cousin had given me a kids karaoke CD and as we turned out of the driveway and onto the road, i shoved it into the player without looking at the song contents. Suddenly, the first few bars of a song i have heard often blared into the van and i simultaneously burst into tears and laughter. Tears, because the theme and main lyric of the disco song "I Will Survive" seemed appropriate for the weeks worth of bobbing and drowning in the sea of worry (even though the song doesn't really apply any deeper than those 3 title words)... and laughter because the tears were so melodramatic. Besides, who listens to disco music with a straight face? I'm sorry, but only if you're dead is that possible. The van burst out in a wild frenzy of disco dancing and laughing. Ah! NORMALCY. :)



*Update on Sadie*

Just got a call from the hospital. Sadie will be going in for her CAT and PET scans at 8 am on October 21st. It's farther away than we thought but at least the date is set. A friend sent over meals this week and then the church sent me home with a box of frozen meals. So thankful.

Bai-Bow!! Bai-Bow!!

Last year i was feeling discouraged with myself. I've always wanted Bible reading and discussion to be an important part of our homeschool day. Year after year I've bought Bible curriculum and attempted to carry out my big fancy plans. We would read, memorize, do word studies and answer questions, finding locations on maps...The kids enjoyed it but we were taking a lot of time... and I worried about skimping out on other subjects. Slowly Bible would get pushed to the end of the day, tacked on as an afterthought. Finally, in frustration i begged Curt to take over and "do Bible study" with the kids. He agreed but warned me that he was going to do it HIS way. He would read only one chapter per night and i was not allowed to interrupt. (He knows me too well.)
It sounded simple enough...
for a normal person...
but i guess I'm not normal.
The first night, and every night, he read as if he were in a race... a monotone reading race. He did that every night. I would stop him and ask the kids questions, emphasizing the exciting parts that i felt they would miss with the way he was reading. He would patiently wait for me to shut up. He would stare at me and wait till i said "Kay, keep going." He stared a little longer at me and then would start again. I knew i was breaking our agreement.
He would mis-pronounce words. One night he was reading and when he got to a part where the cloud enVELoped the people, he read that it had ENveloped them. I swore he did it on purpose to test me. He smiled. "Ooops! haa haa! How do you like THAT one kids? It ENveloped them!"
When he got to a part that he deemed boring (the "begats") he would mumble "blah blah". (no explanation) When the story became inappropriate (when Potiphars wife begged Joseph to have sex with her.) His voice trailed off and he skipped ahead. (no explanation)... i bit my lip... but mostly i would interrupt...Trying to make sure the kids understood. He would stare and wait for me to tell him to continue. One day, i realized that we have been reading together consistently as a family for about a year...every night. We have blistered through books of the Bible together--one monotone chapter at a time. Curt in patience and obedience, me with my two bits thrown in every 5 seconds. I've never been that consistent. Neither has Curt. My view on Curt's methods drastically changed the other night. It was getting close to bedtime. Curt called for the kids to come downstairs and sit on the couch. He didn't say that we were going to read the Bible together. Then something happened. Something that made me cry. My almost 2 year old started hyperventilating and running for the fireplace where Curt's Bible sat waiting. And then he pounded it with his chubby little hands and started yelling BAI-BOW!! BAI-BOW!!
If a 1 and a half year old understands that Bible reading is something we do as a family, that it's an important part of our day together... what are the other kids learning? Since we started, I have learned to let little things go... and Curt doesn't mind my interruptions as much. He even stops and asks questions himself now. I'm learning that time spent in Bible reading and study does not have to be done "perfectly" but there *is* something magic that happens when we are consistent even with something little...and imperfect. Again, I'm learning that as we do our little part, God blesses by filling in the gaps with HIS part. Every aspect of our lives is lived in *partnership* with God. It's not all on our shoulders. His burden is light. A good lesson.

The things we do for love...

Sadie was tired after our quick nacho/pizza dinner tonight so asked to snuggle on the bed with me. I packed scads of poofy pillows around my achingly huge and pregnant body on the bed and she gathered a little quilt to snuggle up under and we cuddled. Our foreheads touched, my arm was around her. Her eyes closed and i marveled at her tiny face and beautiful freckles. Then, without opening her eyes came her announcement "I don't like that chip smell in your breath. That smells bad."
"Oh! Sorry Sadie." I turned away.
"No!...no... It's okay, you can put your face there." (she covered her mouth) "I'll just barf in my mouth."

Family Bowling Date

The ice-cream after-party.

The Musical

The only picture I have so far of the rehearsals... hopefully more to follow! This is the costume for "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy". See my "baby bump"? :) The belt gets shorter and the skirt tighter (unfortunately) the closer we get to performance dates.

The 3 little girls insisted on having a make-up/hair/dress-up day yesterday as i was doing the same getting ready to go to rehearsal. Wesley got the brunt of the lipstick abuse.

I've been involved in preparation for a musical dessert theatre production at our church for some months now and it's finally coming down to the wire! Three more weeks till opening night. The drama tells the story of a husband and wife who run a diner in Spruce Grove from the 40's till the present and how God uses their lives to affect the community around them even though they don't necessarily feel like they have "much to offer". I am part of a group of singers that herald each decade in with period music. It's going to be a blast.

The Great Outdoors

Maybe I haven't been outside for awhile. Yesterday, when I took Wesley outside for a romp in the snow the other kids spied me and started running at me and cheering. "MOM IS OUTSIIIIIDE!" They said it like it was some kind of impossible miracle and my mother-heart twinged with guilt (as it is prone to do). I used to *live* outside with the kids building forts, catching frogs, making bows and arrows. I would even take them skidooing. Over the years it seems like I've become a bigger and bigger wimp....and (shudder) indoorsy. In that moment of cheering and guilt, i decided that I was going tobogganing with them. "Let's go sledding guys!" They cheered....and I wondered if i would regret my bravado. I was wearing Darren's camouflage overalls and his extra pair of boots which were clunky and too big for me but I started inching my way down the icy hill to get the toboggan, Wesley balanced on my bulky hip. "Having fun" requires a lot more work than it used to. "Mom, we don't toboggan on this little hill. You gotta walk to the BIG hill with us. Dad scraped it out with the bobcat!" "Oh, okay." It was getting hot and i laid Wes on a sled and pulled him behind me. After a short walk to the back field filled with snow and horse manure, we found ourselves at the top of a HUGE hill. Curt had scraped away a sliding hill that was wide with ridges on either side and wild bumps to start it off. I got nervous. "It's okay mom. I'll give you a push to start you off." says Darren. I should have known better than to agree to a 12 year old boy "starting me off". Especially considering that I am pregnant and holding a one yr old on my lap. Darren obviously didn't think of those things. Wes and I got on. The sled threatened to slide out from beneath me and Darren firmly placed his hands on my back and RAN as fast as he could, pushing. I begged him to quit. "That's good enough DARREN!" He gave one last mighty heave and Wesley and I were racing and spinning on a blue plastic disk down the hill. I screamed. So did Wes. The kids cheered. It seemed like an absolute moment of insanity. Twirling Alberta skies and snow and mother and child hurtling through the wind. The ride went on for about a 1/4 mile before my dragging boots finally brought us to a stop. It was in that moment i decided "I've got to do this more often." My second run was solo and i went completely off course careening onto my back and soliciting howling encouragement from the kids. Sadie's contagious laugh is too good to miss. I've decided to get out more... even in this Alberta winter, even with little ones that need a 10 minute bundle job each. There is something like good medicine that can only be found in spending time in the great outdoors and I need me a little more of that.

Why it's easier to teach the 6th child to do chores...

Monkey See---Monkey wanna DO TOO!!!

Sloan cousin Christmas--2009

Christmas 2009 was a great success. Grannie and Gramps came up early to help prepare and stayed late to help clean, Paige and Steph brought baking and casseroles, music and books to share. The kids tobboganed, hot tubbed, played fiddle, ate way too much chocolate, did crafts and played games. We stayed up too late talking. The men stayed up too late playing Risk. (Nothing says "peace on earth" like a good game featuring world domination.) :D At the end of the Turkey dinner we still had enough leftovers to make up 6 turkey casseroles. ( 2 for each family to take home) Here is our living nativity. (close-up of Mary, Joseph, and the only child willing to play baby Jesus. (Uly))

Jam session with Grannie and Grampsie and Steph.

Early morning snuggle with Grampsie. Gage figured there *must* be room for one more up there.

The Christmas story with Grampsie.

Santa arrived on a skidoo at top speed, interrupting the "Christmas Eve Variety Show", opened boxes of candycanes for the kids with his HUGE pocketknife and then shot off his loud gun a few times before making an exciting exit complete with a skidoo jump off the hill and lots of hooting.

The living nativity. Wesley the "goat" has removed his head part of his costume and is writhing out of the sheperd (Silas') hands. We have 4 wise men (as Gage would only agree to the shiniest of costumes) :) And you can't see how relaxed "Baby Jesus" looks in this one with his hands behind his head... but check out the little angel Mollen in the middle/top. She struck a pose that gave me such a smile.

Texting while Hunting and the Sausage Adventure

The beginning of the month Curt was out hunting quite a bit in the morning. I would be trying to homeschool and kept getting phone calls from him. He couldn't "talk on the phone" as he was sitting up in a deer stand, so he would text us and we would get a voice message from a robotic woman saying things like "I'm up in a tree stand. Saw a big one. Haven't shot anything yet." Carrie would dive for the phone every time to hear things like "I love you Carrie!" and "You're so much fun." Then she handed me the phone. "Ummmm, mom, i think this msg is for you." I took the phone and pressed the buttons to hear the msg again. The robotic woman pronounced "Jess, you are ONE HOT MAMA!" The kids burst out laughing. Finally we got the message the kids were all waiting for. Curt's voice: "Jess, i got a deer and i'm comming to pick you and the kids up. Be ready in 10 minutes." Curt arrived with his friend Scott and off we went to the west field. We brought the deer home and Darren skinned it and de-boned it. We froze the meat until Scott came over a couple weeks ago to make sausage. This was a first for us and a lot of fun for the kids. My good friend Andrea was there. Not so much her thing, but she didn't let it show as her enthusiastic 4 year old got right in on the action. :)

Everything I ever wanted

~Sunday was my big 35th birthday.
~In our house, tradition dictates that whoever wishes the birthday boy/girl "happy birthday" first is the winner. Every one else is the loser... unless you say it more frequently than the person who said it first.
~Carrie came in my room first thing this morning and presented me with a sinew necklace with a metal arrow-head on it that she had made... and a pack of gum with one piece still left in it. "Happy Birthday Mom"
(she won)
~I got lots of hugs and "happy birthdays" from the losers.
~My kids played violin in church and made me smile.
~Curt's mom threw me a birthday lunch.
~My faithful friend crashed the party with presents and WAY too much food.
~I ate too much.
~My niece gave me two bags of CHOCOLATE. I shared one. One bag.
~My good moccasins have been missing since the week i bought them for myself over a month ago. Tonight, Curt plopped them in my lap and announced "Happy Birthday, I got these for you." (nerd) haa haa!
~Ellie snuck out of bed long after tuck in and handed me a present: A sample perfume i gave her months ago and a tiny set of keys belonging to who knows what.
~I went around after everyone was sleeping and kissed each of them goodnight.
~I got everything I ever wanted.

How we decorate the Christmas tree

For those of you who have ever lived with toddlers 2 and under, you are going to totally understand why my Christmas tree is decorated as it is; decorations on the top, nothing on the bottom. For those of you totally confounded...I'll fill you in. Babies and toddlers love Christmas ornaments. They love to eat them, throw them, step on them, carry them to the far reaches of the universe, flush them down the toilet, slide them into the couch, DVD player, piano, and sometimes their diapers. I am not a fussy decorator. I LOVE beautiful decor... but i am not a big shopper, i hate dusting, and when it all comes down to it, having a display of perfection is not worth the money or agony when a little one decides to *FEEEEEEL* it all over with candy cane fingers or take it apart, or "make crafts" from it. My favourite kind of decorations are home-made ones you can throw out...or eat. Paper snowflakes, bakers dough ornaments, candy canes, and candy necklaces. We did, however start a tradition a few years ago that the kids love. They each buy one new ornament to put on the tree each year. My nature loving child found a ball covered in feathers. My fancy girl bought a pink sparkly sequined ball. My son... he just tries to find a bigger one than the year before. His is obvious in this picture: