a fresh start

I've decided to take the example of my mother in law and attempt to eat everything out of my freezer before buying anything more. wonder how long it will take... wonder if my husband will put up with it and for how long. Right now I'm using the left over ham and mashed potatoes to make some smooth hot potato and ham soup...comfort food on a day when i can't blog about the things that break my heart or shame me. Why is it that when I decide to start fresh... do something important better, not make any more mistakes...decide to be firmer, more resolute in my beliefs, make my stand and not budge...that when the day of reckoning comes i decide that maybe it's better not to fight... maybe peace is more important than conscience? (p.s. it's not) In the process of trying to "create" peace by ignoring my better judgement, I've created a boil of sorrow for more than just me. I guess it's time for another 'fresh start'. *sigh* Can't wait for Heaven. In the meantime... there is some hot homemade soup waiting for me...and maybe a few salty tears of self pity to go with.--j

wrinkle in time

Funny how only a few weeks ago every second was recorded, and painstakingly lived out as i awaited the arrival of this little one. I could tell you the day/month/ year/ time... what was going to happen that week and what had happened the week before. Suddenly... and I know the exact date that this changed...November 13th 2008 struck me down and all is forgotten. It's as though the black curtain has come down on the stage of life, all the props and other actors have sunken into complete darkness...there is no audience... and all that is left is a spotlight on me and this little one in an empty auditorium. My sister Paige wrote me an e-mail saying how it was so amazing counting up from 'one' again... day one of his life, day 2....etc. To be honest, I have forgotten how to count. All the things i hoped to write have gone unwritten as my brain takes time to sort out all the emotions and events during and since the birth of my son. I couldn't tell you how many days have passed since he was born without counting it up... and asking someone what day we're on today. The hours melt by and it's as though i've found my own wrinkle in time. Pajamas have no specific time of day in which to make their entrance or exit from the stage, sleep is a thing that is snatched in whatever hour is available, and the darkness of night invites repeated communion with this little one. We are sorrowing together, healing together, needing each other in this wrinkle in time we have found. Really, it is a miracle that life could move so slowly and peaceably with all the family, friends, children and schedules that bless and rule our everyday. I believe that it is *because* of these people though and not *despite* them that I am finding time. My mother came, giving me 2 weeks of complete surrender to the lives in this home, my husband continued with the routine with not a word of complaint, my children offer to help with whatever small chore is available to them, friends and family brought over baking, flowers, clothing for the baby, my sisters calling, e-mailing, visiting, telling me my child is beautiful and loved. From the birth I have said that I felt as though I had "come undone"... but these little stars of grace and mercy and kindness....so much more than i deserve.

All we carry and Who carries us.

*tears*-not too useful but ever ready since yesterday. The Dr. was so sure of the Ultrasound date of the 4th. I shouldn't have, but got my hopes up. Now a week later, as my own calculated due date has come and gone, the hormones have shifted into tear-gear. I'm hoping that this is a complete chemical shift that will translate into labour pains but my brain ridiculously keeps telling me that the baby has changed his mind and decided not to come after all. Completely illogical. I'm so thankful for my mother who is attacking project after project with the kids as I have suddenly gone from "Confident Wonder Woman" to "Pyjama/Sniffle Wimp Girl." I think the worst part about this snippet at the end of the pregnancy is not so much the desperation of the wait but the sudden knowledge that any pain and loss of control I feel at this moment is going to get a lot worse before it gets any better. From this point on, i will take a huge headlong dive into physical agony, hormonal collapse and limping neediness while at the same time, the lives around me will continue to need/want me as much as before. Incredible awe has descended yet again for my mother...my grandmother...my sisters...my friends who have travelled down this road before me, alongside me... and will travel after me....Oh goodness... I have 4 daughters! :) Thank you God for this incredible gift of carrying these little ones of yours. What a blinding treasure. What an amazing thought. Help me to be reminded daily that your own Son Jesus carried and carries all my sorrow, all my burden. He understands what it is to be aching and waiting for the ones He loves. Help me to be quick to return to Him. Help me not to keep Him waiting.

Well, the Jespersen Christmas parties have begun as of tonight! November 8th. :) I was so sure that this little one would be in my arms by now but he has decided to stay warm inside and so here i remain. Waiting. The kids have been having fun with Grannie. She ran a watercolor class for the lot of them the first day she was here which was a huge hit. Yesterday she and I went to my Dr's appt with Ellie and Robin and then took to Ikea to get some Christmas shopping done. I'm sure there won't be much time after the baby comes so I'm feeling very thankful for the little bit I did get done. Curt took Darren to work with him and Grandma Shirley kept Carrie and Sadie.
Curt's cousin Jeff and his wife Jess Jespersen just got back from Australia so stopped by for a visit last night bearing gifts. :) The kids all got Aboriginal artifacts to paint so that will be another project to conquer during this last little wait for Hauk to appear. Darren was so excited to try out his boomerang that he headed out into the pitch blackness of the frosty prairie night and chucked it as far as he could. Not sure what he was thinking... if it came back he wouldn't see it till it hit him in the head and as soon as he let go of it, the darkness swallowed it up so he came back into the house empty handed. I didn't find out why he had looked so sheepish coming in last night till this morning when Carrie told me what he had done. Needless to say, there is a small search party happening as i type. Hopefully he'll be able to find it. Ah! It sounds like the little search party has come in the door with the lost treasure! This bleak prairie landscape makes the arrival of this little one seem like such a miracle. In the midst of all the naked trees, stripped, brown alfalfa and wilting green grass frozen with frost, a new little life will burst into the gloom and transform this November into a new focus. Like finding my own little treasure too. Can't wait till I can come bursting through the door with my precious little jewel.

"Are we there yet??"

We've all driven in cars on long trips and asked the driver the two most important questions on a journey: "Are we there yet?" "How much longer?" Today, I'm feeling like the driver of the car on this journey of pregnancy. We're not there yet... and I don't know how much longer! :) The problem is that I don't have a very good answer to the question "When are you due?" Some people said i was due today, some said i would be due on the 10th. The "books" say i could have had the baby 2 weeks ago and that i may go a full 2 weeks after the latest date. Suddenly I feel like i've joined the ranks of my physician. (I'll explain...) I have often thought the past 9 months that her job was much like a psychics. I explained it in an e-mail to my family this way: "I have a Dr. appt in the evening.... It's like visiting a psychic that tells you nothing except what you can figure out on your own...."You have gained more weight... you are uncomfortable..... but the baby should come within the month!!!...come again in a week and I will tell you MOOOOOOORE!!!"... My dad called the other night to see if the baby had come. At least you can answer that kind of a question. No. But as if i wouldn't call him up the minute this little one did arrive. This excitement makes me dizzy. The kids keep putting their mouths up to my stomach and telling "Haukie" to come out. My husband keeps asking me if I'm feeling any contractions, my mom is desperate not to miss the event. She's flying in tomorrow night late. Meanwhile, i feel like I'm preparing the longest turkey dinner for the largest crowd and that the guests are all starving but the turkey isn't ready. Or that I'm going to put on a huge performance and the theater has been full for weeks but I'm not prepared to take the stage..... yet! Today, the stress of the question "Are we there yet" was dissolved in a sudden thought.... People care... people are looking forward to meeting this little one just as much as I am! I have family that loves him already, friends that are interested in the agony of this wait, relatives that are cheering for our family from the sidelines. Friends, Family, Relatives, these are such blessings. They really do "multiply the joy and divide the sorrow." What a blessing to be not driving along this road alone, with no one in the car to ask how the journey is going. God is good.

Waiting...

Why is it that when I get to the end of the pregnancy, I feel like i shouldn't leave the house? There is a nagging thought... company is coming! I have to BE here! I have to be ready! What if this company shows up and I'm not here? Such strange thoughts when this little one has been living inside me for 40 weeks now. Really, he's been with me all that time! He won't be like normal company though!! He'll come naked, unprepared, needy, in need of a wash. He'll be blinking like a deer in the bright hospital light, shocked by his new reality. There are different ways people seem to "nest" as they wait for baby. Some bake, some clean, some buy... some do all of the above...one mother i know confessed that her obsession over having her legs shaved for the birth was a huge worry! Now that's prepared! :) For all my preparedness, he won't be needing my 50 cups of pulverized tomatoes, lasagnas, pies, buns, casseroles, clean house and updated home school. I've seen the baby shows where the parents go all out and buy thousands of dollars worth of furniture, clothes, things for the babies' arrival. When they finally bring the baby home they "show" the baby all these things proclaiming "Seeee? We did all this for YOU!" The camera focuses on a squashed, blushing little face fast asleep in the car seat, oblivious to his surroundings. Not much of this nesting will do us too much good though besides letting us feel like we are doing something. This little man will not quietly go to his room with the guest towels and sleep through the night! Nor will he care about the decor/toys of his new room. All he needs, all he wants will be found in the people that live in this home...this family. This little bundle of humanity will arrive, change us forever, and suddenly peel another layer of selfishness off of all of us. How does one prepare for sleep deprivation, pain, company showing up when all the afore-mentioned foods did not make it out of the freezer for dinner, the pyjamas did not come off all day, and you are on the verge of tears from baby blues. You can't "nest" for that. No matter what i do to 'prepare' for this little one, I know i'll not be ready. This little one will surprise us, break us again and challenge me *again* to be a good mother. How can you prepare to be changed again forever? There is no turning back. This birth represents another commitment to my husband. Another commitment to this family. Another sacred commitment to God to bring this child up to know, love and serve his Heavenly Father. When it all is stripped away, when the food is all eaten, the house is all messy again, the furniture is scribbled on, the toys are sent to Goodwill, the clothes are all outgrown, the only preparation that will last is preparing my heart to recognize that this little one isn't just my own. He belongs to God. Am i prepared to lead him into the loving arms of his Heavenly Father? Jesus, help me to be the mother You see in me. Give me the tools I need to do the job you have blessed me with. Thank you for this new life. I place him, with the rest of my children, my husband and the details of my everyday in your steady, loving hand.