A Woman's Guilt Feast--part 2

O.K. I've been getting a lot of comments on the guilt post, through facebook, e-mails or this blog. These guilty suggestions are not all mine... but statements of guilt I've been collecting from women friends...It's not meant to be an exhaustive list. I don't need to tell you what you feel guilty for...Just a little reflective mirror to display all the sticks we beat ourselves with. I believe there is such a thing as healthy shame... but there is also such a thing as unhealthy shame. The verses that follow these statements speaks to both.:


Guilty for eating too many cookies.
Guilty because you quit making cookies with your kids.

Guilty because you aren't the fun mom you wanted to be.
Guilty because you aren't strict enough with your kids.

Guilty because you stayed too long in a bad relationship.
Guilty because you left.

Guilty because your kids aren't involved in enough music, sports, outdoor activities...etc.
Guilty because your family is run ragged with extra-curricular events.

Guilty that you spend too much time away from your family doing something you love.
Guilty that you gave up one of the things you most loved and you don't think you'll ever get it back.

Guilty for working outside the home.
Guilty for staying home and not contributing to the income of the home.

Guilty for public schooling your kids.
Guilty for homeschooling your kids.

Guilty for holding the baby when you should clean.
Guilty for cleaning when you should hold the baby.

Guilty for not taking enough risks in life.
Guilty because you took too many risks.

Guilty because your kids have never been outside their own province, never seen the world.
Guilty because you moved to another country away from all the family.

Guilty for letting someone take advantage of you.
Guilty for not being vulnerable and reaching out to someone in need.


Romans 8:1,2
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."


Here is Romans 8: 1-2 again, this time paraphrased by Eugene Petersen in his book "The Message":

"With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.

I'm going to just post this verse all over the house this week, teach it to my kids... lean on it, cling to it, claim it...and let the grace flow down and cover me.

Little Mama's Progress

Curt and I had a long conversation about my post yesterday while laying in bed. He still hasn't read it but for the record, disagrees that what I experience has anything to do with being a perfectionist. I'm still struggling with what to call it then... If I'm not a perfectionist, if that term is to be reserved for truly glistening homes and sticklers, then what am I? This sounds like the playground taunt "I know you are but what am I? haa haa! I guess for now I will settle for "Self pant-kicker with guilt-ridden worrier tendencies". Whatever the case may be, it is the reason that whenever I read "Little Pilgrims Progress" and I get to the part where Christian lays his burden at the foot of the cross, I sob like a lost 3 year old. Nothing like a flood of grace is there?!

perfectionism

I was going to comment along with the last blogs' entries about "guilt" but it started getting long. The root of that kind of guilt is really perfectionism isn't it!? When my mom first started talking about "perfectionism" about 10 years ago, my first thought was "Well that's for sure not me! Just look at my house and the way I dress. I'm definitely not perfect!" I thought perfectionism was an outward thing. Over the years I've learned that it's not about how things look from the outside but what is going on inside the head and heart that determines your level of perfectionism. If you do things well and it still doesn't feel like you did all you could have, should have, would have. If your child is doing his/her best and yet you feel the need to continue pushing...not teaching... pushing. If reality finds it almost impossible to meet your expectations... you are a perfectionist. For me it is most definitely about letting go of perfection not only for myself but for my kids. Whether it be my agonizing over Darren's epilepsy. hah! What will agony do but cause more agony and give him a complex. One of my children struggled with math, another with reading...should i feel like a failure over that? No! Those problems are resolving, but it's taken time. What if it wasn't getting any better? I know I sure didn't perform straight A's all the way through my schooling. How can I expect that from my children? And even if I was a straight A student. Does that mean that my children will be too? Goals are great. I was raised to believe they are necessary and I do have high aspirations for each of my children but when life throws a curve ball, I want to respond in a way that says to my kids "It's o.k....life will go on. It's not the end of the world and you don't have to beat yourself over every difficulty or seeming "failure". Especially as homeschooling moms I think we attach our children's successes and failures to ourselves. (I'll have to blog on this as well I think! hah!-so much to say!) So dangerous for both mother and child. My deepest desire after all isn't that my children would be geniuses, gorgeous, talented, fashionable... or even completely happy. My deepest desire for them is that they would know and LOVE their Heavenly Father and want to please Him... not me... or some horribly high standard they invent to beat themselves with. Life is too precious and short. But God's Grace is "fully sufficient". ;) -j

Guilt

Tonight my husband took the kids out to run errands. All except for baby Wes who was sleeping in his crib. In the silence of the house, Guilt lurked around. Catching me by the sleeve as i passed the messy counters, the crayons and books on the coffee table and the dirty socks someone left for me to pick up. I sat down and played the piano and sang for a good 1/2 hour instead. When the music stopped, guilt peeked in around the corner suggesting that I really should be *organizing* my music, not singing and playing. When I sat down at the computer to read my sisters' blog, Guilt sat next to me and whispered that I really should wake the baby up and hold him as he's only little for so long. Then suddenly the thought struck me that neither my dish washer nor laundry was humming away. Guilty again! When did this unwanted, guest with his heavy baggage come to live with me? Was it when baby # 2 arrived and I let Darren cry while I tended to Carrie's needs the first time? Was it the first time I asked Curt to bring home take-out instead of cooking a meal that I was completely capable of cooking? Maybe, but in all honesty, I think it was even earlier than that....and I think *I* let him in! How many times has he whispered in my ear that my efforts are sub-par... that what I have to offer is not enough, that I could do better but I just "don't"... I think it's time for an eviction notice to go up. Long passed due too. Time for a new reign...a new word to rule my everyday actions. I think i found it too. :) The past few years I've discovered a kind of joy every time I hear the word "adequate". My dad does not share my affinity for the word as it's most often used to mean "unexceptional" or "nothing to write home about" or better yet, "minimal". I can understand his aversion to the word and yet...:) There is another side to this word. In Latin studies today we studied it's root "ad". It means "to, toward; near, next to". The part of the word "-equate" comes from the word "aequus" which means "level, even, flat." Put together they mean "even with or equal to". What is done is "equal to" what is needed. My super-old dictionary defines the word as "fully sufficient". Hmmmm. I would love to be described as "fully sufficient", to feel like what I do is enough. What i accomplish in the day is fully sufficient... it is enough... it is just what is needed. No pressure for more or less. It is enough. In fact, my thesaurus gave me even more joy as I read these synonyms:
plenty
suitable
fit
proportionate
ample
competent
able
capable
up to snuff
contentment
completeness
satisfaction
thoroughness

I don't need to be "more"... I don't want to be "less"... I just want to be "enough".
It may sound weird but GOODBYE GUILTY AND HELLO ADEQUACY! Welcome home.

a fresh start

I've decided to take the example of my mother in law and attempt to eat everything out of my freezer before buying anything more. wonder how long it will take... wonder if my husband will put up with it and for how long. Right now I'm using the left over ham and mashed potatoes to make some smooth hot potato and ham soup...comfort food on a day when i can't blog about the things that break my heart or shame me. Why is it that when I decide to start fresh... do something important better, not make any more mistakes...decide to be firmer, more resolute in my beliefs, make my stand and not budge...that when the day of reckoning comes i decide that maybe it's better not to fight... maybe peace is more important than conscience? (p.s. it's not) In the process of trying to "create" peace by ignoring my better judgement, I've created a boil of sorrow for more than just me. I guess it's time for another 'fresh start'. *sigh* Can't wait for Heaven. In the meantime... there is some hot homemade soup waiting for me...and maybe a few salty tears of self pity to go with.--j