Guilt

Tonight my husband took the kids out to run errands. All except for baby Wes who was sleeping in his crib. In the silence of the house, Guilt lurked around. Catching me by the sleeve as i passed the messy counters, the crayons and books on the coffee table and the dirty socks someone left for me to pick up. I sat down and played the piano and sang for a good 1/2 hour instead. When the music stopped, guilt peeked in around the corner suggesting that I really should be *organizing* my music, not singing and playing. When I sat down at the computer to read my sisters' blog, Guilt sat next to me and whispered that I really should wake the baby up and hold him as he's only little for so long. Then suddenly the thought struck me that neither my dish washer nor laundry was humming away. Guilty again! When did this unwanted, guest with his heavy baggage come to live with me? Was it when baby # 2 arrived and I let Darren cry while I tended to Carrie's needs the first time? Was it the first time I asked Curt to bring home take-out instead of cooking a meal that I was completely capable of cooking? Maybe, but in all honesty, I think it was even earlier than that....and I think *I* let him in! How many times has he whispered in my ear that my efforts are sub-par... that what I have to offer is not enough, that I could do better but I just "don't"... I think it's time for an eviction notice to go up. Long passed due too. Time for a new reign...a new word to rule my everyday actions. I think i found it too. :) The past few years I've discovered a kind of joy every time I hear the word "adequate". My dad does not share my affinity for the word as it's most often used to mean "unexceptional" or "nothing to write home about" or better yet, "minimal". I can understand his aversion to the word and yet...:) There is another side to this word. In Latin studies today we studied it's root "ad". It means "to, toward; near, next to". The part of the word "-equate" comes from the word "aequus" which means "level, even, flat." Put together they mean "even with or equal to". What is done is "equal to" what is needed. My super-old dictionary defines the word as "fully sufficient". Hmmmm. I would love to be described as "fully sufficient", to feel like what I do is enough. What i accomplish in the day is fully sufficient... it is enough... it is just what is needed. No pressure for more or less. It is enough. In fact, my thesaurus gave me even more joy as I read these synonyms:
plenty
suitable
fit
proportionate
ample
competent
able
capable
up to snuff
contentment
completeness
satisfaction
thoroughness

I don't need to be "more"... I don't want to be "less"... I just want to be "enough".
It may sound weird but GOODBYE GUILTY AND HELLO ADEQUACY! Welcome home.