a year

It has been a year. 
Sadie has completed her 1 year of chemo for Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis and her ivad port has been removed. Scans show a 1.5mm thickening still left on her pituitary stalk which is most likely scar tissue.  She passed her growth hormone test this time around (by *one* point... but still...she passed!)  :))  So i am chalking that healing up to "miracle".  She will always take Vassopressin to replace the hormone that the lesion on her pituitary knocked out and that's inconvenient... but minimal.   
The year has been filled with other emotional upheaval. Hard days i never dreamt i would ever see... and yet, i have felt... and daily feel, God's hand in each one in our family as he leads and teaches and corrects. I see that no matter how heavy it gets, God is stronger still.  No matter how huge my need becomes, His provision will be over and above.  God is amazing to me this year.... like seriously... amazing. 
That's all. 

Sadie's Diagnosis

Some of you will have read this already, being friends on Facebook... but i wanted it here for *me*. These days are moving lightening fast and i want a record of some of the events that shape this year. When everything began with Sadie the blogging was frustrating. We knew she had DI... but not *why* she had DI... we felt there had to be a reason behind it. Doctors suspected too but needed more evidence to prove their diagnosis. Recently, we went for our regular endocrinology check up and talked with Dr. M. When she was weighed and measured, the nurse stopped when she plotted Sadie's height and looked at me..."Oh! It looks like she took a dip on her height curve chart." I wasn't concered because the last i heard was that her growth factor tests came back all within normal range. Then we saw Dr. M and he informed us that one of the tests did come back low. We were sent for a hormone stimulation test to measure the actual growth hormone and a general hormone check on everything else. This was a 5 hour, two part test. Results came back and one part was low and the other part was MISSING! They missed even checking the growth hormone for the second part of the test. SO, we went in again and results showed that she also was not producing growth hormone for the second half of the test. Because of this, we were sent back to Dr. B.... the pediatric oncologist. After 2 1/2 years, we have a diagnosis and an answer as to *why* she has DI. Sadie has something called Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis, It is rare. Scientists do not know whether to call it a cancer (where the cells are cloning) or an immune response disorder (as it is a langerhans cells...involved in the immune system that are "gathering" all in one spot). In her case, they are "gathering" in her pituitary. To me, it doesn't matter... it acts like a cancer, it is treated like a cancer, and it's dangerous like a cancer... and it's in her pituitary. It is "high risk" for recurrence (40%) and also for neuro-degeneration down the road as it is considered a "special site" being in the head. Dr. B's response to these findings was swift. Sadie will be given 12 month long chemotherapy which clinically has been shown to cut the chances in half and also be on steroids for a year. Here are the findings all together so that you can get a picture of where we're at: MRI imaging shows her pituitary is in the wrong place, not lit up ( which means it's not working) and also thickened. She has lost the ability to hold water (Her Anti-diuretic hormone has been gone for 2 1/2 years) and she takes a synthetic hormone to replace that. Recently, tests showed that she had also lost her growth hormone. Growth hormone affects every aspect of your body (hair, teeth, bones...) so after this is all over, she will have to take daily injections of a synthetic version of that hormone as well. To look at her, she looks like the perfect, happy kid, but this disease is in the brain, slowly stealing hormones and has a high chance of spreading. The next likely hormone to be knocked out is her sex hormones (these hormones tell the body when to hit puberty and for how long...etc) Doctors were unable to take a biopsy of the pituitary so were waiting to treat until they had more evidence. That's why diagnosis was suspected for awhile now but she wasn't diagnosed. It has felt to me like someone told me "your child is drowning... but let's stand on the dock here and just watch her flail for awhile..." There is relief for treatment finally and at the same time... a creeping in of fear as we teeter on the edge of this cliff. The other kids have been playing "Doctor" with the little ones in prep for this coming week as Sadie will have surgery to implant a port for chemo, a pet/cat scan to look for other lesions, a hormone stimulation test to check her cortisol levels before prednisone affects them so they have something to compare, and then she will start her first treatment of chemo and steroids. We made up a little picture map of each test and for how long it has to go on until she can move on to the next one and finally come home. The medicines are prednisone and vinblastine and most likely she will gain quite a bit of weight, be grumpy and...the rest i'm going to hope is minimal. Her hair most likely will *not* fall out with these meds...which she has started to be a bit concerned about the chances of... anyways, if you would pray for confidence, a positive attitude and wisdom for us as parents, grace for the other kids, *strength*, minimal side effects and healing for Sadie, that would be good. I know people will tell her she's brave. I know there will be moments she won't feel brave. Holding my breath. When we went in for our appointment the other day, i was sitting at the kiddie table with my binder of studies and notes and another notebook i had filled with diagrams and notes from online seminars and the nurse came in to get Sadie. It always feels so foreign to be at the hospital...especially in the pediatric oncology unit... When i looked up to greet the nurse, it was a lady from our church! I don't know her well and i had no idea she worked there... but I just fell into her arms. Her presence there was like a big *wink* from God saying "Hey Jess! I'm here too!!" We are really sensing God's presence through all of this. He has placed himself so obviously in the "details"...falling in love with Him in a new desperate way. - j

provision

I was reading my sister's blog the other day and the following quote from the story of Jonah was included with her entry.

"But the Lord provided a great fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was inside the fish three days and three nights."

I suppose being swallowed by a huge fish (and living) is an improvement on drowning...but still. It probably wouldn't have been too pleasant either. When i read it, my heart snagged on the word "provided".
It wasn't that the Lord "allowed" a great fish to swallow Jonah. The Lord "provided" a great fish to swallow Jonah.
Instead of launching into a lengthy diatribe on the whole story, I'm going to leave it at a thought that has been sticking with me this week.
Sometimes God's provision looks weird.
Sometimes it's uncomfortable, frightening or even painful.
Sometimes we forget what the alternative to his provision might have been.
Sometimes we need to thankful for the weird and the uncomfortable because they may just be the things that give us the perspective we need for the road ahead.

Bai-Bow!! Bai-Bow!!

Last year i was feeling discouraged with myself. I've always wanted Bible reading and discussion to be an important part of our homeschool day. Year after year I've bought Bible curriculum and attempted to carry out my big fancy plans. We would read, memorize, do word studies and answer questions, finding locations on maps...The kids enjoyed it but we were taking a lot of time... and I worried about skimping out on other subjects. Slowly Bible would get pushed to the end of the day, tacked on as an afterthought. Finally, in frustration i begged Curt to take over and "do Bible study" with the kids. He agreed but warned me that he was going to do it HIS way. He would read only one chapter per night and i was not allowed to interrupt. (He knows me too well.)
It sounded simple enough...
for a normal person...
but i guess I'm not normal.
The first night, and every night, he read as if he were in a race... a monotone reading race. He did that every night. I would stop him and ask the kids questions, emphasizing the exciting parts that i felt they would miss with the way he was reading. He would patiently wait for me to shut up. He would stare at me and wait till i said "Kay, keep going." He stared a little longer at me and then would start again. I knew i was breaking our agreement.
He would mis-pronounce words. One night he was reading and when he got to a part where the cloud enVELoped the people, he read that it had ENveloped them. I swore he did it on purpose to test me. He smiled. "Ooops! haa haa! How do you like THAT one kids? It ENveloped them!"
When he got to a part that he deemed boring (the "begats") he would mumble "blah blah". (no explanation) When the story became inappropriate (when Potiphars wife begged Joseph to have sex with her.) His voice trailed off and he skipped ahead. (no explanation)... i bit my lip... but mostly i would interrupt...Trying to make sure the kids understood. He would stare and wait for me to tell him to continue. One day, i realized that we have been reading together consistently as a family for about a year...every night. We have blistered through books of the Bible together--one monotone chapter at a time. Curt in patience and obedience, me with my two bits thrown in every 5 seconds. I've never been that consistent. Neither has Curt. My view on Curt's methods drastically changed the other night. It was getting close to bedtime. Curt called for the kids to come downstairs and sit on the couch. He didn't say that we were going to read the Bible together. Then something happened. Something that made me cry. My almost 2 year old started hyperventilating and running for the fireplace where Curt's Bible sat waiting. And then he pounded it with his chubby little hands and started yelling BAI-BOW!! BAI-BOW!!
If a 1 and a half year old understands that Bible reading is something we do as a family, that it's an important part of our day together... what are the other kids learning? Since we started, I have learned to let little things go... and Curt doesn't mind my interruptions as much. He even stops and asks questions himself now. I'm learning that time spent in Bible reading and study does not have to be done "perfectly" but there *is* something magic that happens when we are consistent even with something little...and imperfect. Again, I'm learning that as we do our little part, God blesses by filling in the gaps with HIS part. Every aspect of our lives is lived in *partnership* with God. It's not all on our shoulders. His burden is light. A good lesson.

I waited.

From my original due date, i am now 18 days overdue. Obviously i was wrong. From the ultrasound due date, i am now officially 1 day overdue... which is really not overdue at all i guess. This is how it feels though.

-That Christmas has come and gone and i forgot to open the presents. (I like this thought though as it reminds me that there is still something good coming.)
-That maybe I'm not pregnant after all and i'm one of those women experiencing a "phantom pregnancy".
- That maybe she'll come *next* summer.
- That I should have done more "get ahead" schooling the end of last year if i had've known she would be this late.
- It feels like God is trying to teach me that i need to learn to relax in the thought that sometimes, HE is in control... and then relax a little more in the thought that ACTUALLY, He's in control ALL the time. ;)...God is prying my fingers one by one off of all the things in my life that i see as *mine*.
Time being one of them.
When i feel anger, He's teaching me peace.
When i feel lost, He's teaching me to hear his voice.
When i feel lonely, He's teaching me to recognize his touch.
When i feel let down, He's teaching me to depend on Him alone.
When i feel impatient, He's teaching me patience.
When i feel incompetent, He's teaching me to trust that He is fully able.
Lord, make this time of waiting on Eva a time of waiting on You....Help me to rest in You.

Job description clarification and blessed release

Curt and I went to the homeschool convention this past weekend. Together. Just the two of us. In Red Deer. Alone. I can't remember the last time it was just the two of us alone together but now that it's over I'm thinking that we were maybe missing out a little by not sneaking away every now and then to just have some extended uninterrupted conversation. There are so many things I want to blog about especially considering that so much time has passed since my last entry, but this is *one* of them.
Ephesians 2:10 (New International Version) says:
10For we are God's workmanship,
created in Christ Jesus to do good works,
which God prepared in advance for us to do.
I was sitting in a "Part Two" session at the homeschool convention when that verse was brought up by the speaker. When she read the verse I automatically thought of *myself* (as we all do i suppose when we hear that verse). God is talking to *me* in that verse. "I am God's workmanship...". The speaker went on to use the word "masterpiece" in the place of workmanship... and it was then that i realized that she was talking about our children being the workmanship and masterpiece of the Lord. How many years have I been a mother...and all this time I've been reading the Bible as if it is directly speaking to me... but not letting it sink in that it is also speaking individually of each of my children? It was then that my faulty thinking hit me dead center. I somehow had the idea that as God formed me and worked in me and changed me... I would work in/with my children. So wrong. My children are God's masterpiece. Not mine. At that moment, a memory from the past week came flooding back. I was driving with the kids from the pool, Darren was in the front seat and the Christian radio station was on. The chorus of a popular song was repeating. It referred to Christians as being the body of Christ. :
"If we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them
there is a way Jesus is the way."
Darren had looked at me and said "Mom! This song is so powerful!" He went on to explain the lyrics to me and what they meant to him. I was impressed that he would be able to grasp the concept and articulate his emotions so well.
When that memory came back to me, i realized that God was revealing ways in which He was working in Darren. Although i will play a role in my children's Christian maturity, God is also at work in each one of them. There will be conversations of which I won't be a part. Those conversations will be between God and my child...alone. These children are not mine... they're God's. They need to follow Him. Gratitude, relief, sorrow, a lifting of a burden i wasn't supposed to be carrying in the first place. It is a blessed release when you know He will continue to carry the burden. May God give me the grace I need through these pre-teen/teen years to give each of my children a blessed release into the care and keeping of a Heavenly Father who cares enough to remind me that we are working *together*.

The Musical

The only picture I have so far of the rehearsals... hopefully more to follow! This is the costume for "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy". See my "baby bump"? :) The belt gets shorter and the skirt tighter (unfortunately) the closer we get to performance dates.

The 3 little girls insisted on having a make-up/hair/dress-up day yesterday as i was doing the same getting ready to go to rehearsal. Wesley got the brunt of the lipstick abuse.

I've been involved in preparation for a musical dessert theatre production at our church for some months now and it's finally coming down to the wire! Three more weeks till opening night. The drama tells the story of a husband and wife who run a diner in Spruce Grove from the 40's till the present and how God uses their lives to affect the community around them even though they don't necessarily feel like they have "much to offer". I am part of a group of singers that herald each decade in with period music. It's going to be a blast.

Trusting Him

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us;

we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. "

C.S. Lewis

Matthew 6:25-34 (New International Version)
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

It's not about healing....

I've had this post simmering in my "drafts" box for awhile and I know it's not really ready to be posted. There is *always* more to say and to learn and some topics work better as an ongoing conversation than a one sided blog entry... but here goes:

The topic of healing has been a hot one in our home for about 5 years. When Darren was first diagnosed with epilepsy we sought out people to pray for him. People we trusted. Other people offered to pray as well and we let them. I think it was through this time that I really started to learn something about people...and about God. We have had incredible, consistent family support through prayer and that has meant so much to us but we were also blindsided by comments made by people along the way in regards to prayer and healing. Maybe because the problem was epilepsy. It was too tempting for people to not mention the possibility of "demon possession". After all... epilepsy has always been a mysterious illness and was thought to be related to demon possession throughout history right? That fact is just too tantalizing to let go of. We had one pastors wife say right in front of Darren. "Well, epilepsy is RIGHT UP THERE with demon possession." Right up WHERE?! I was horrified and immediately regretted having her and her husband pray for Darren. An older uncle of mine called just this morning to regale me with "hilarious" stories of all the "epileptics" he's come in contact over the years and how HE just commanded the demons to come out. He even proudly told me of how he sat on one man during his seizure (to control him) and then advised me that a person should not lay hands on the "epileptic" (reads "demon possessed" to him) because the demon just may enter the person praying. I informed him that Darren's problem was not demon possession but a physical problem that was pin-pointed by MRI as lesions on his brain but he just ignored me and went on to his next story of the other "epileptics" he had encountered (and most likely offended) over the years....and how He alone had dealt with it and commanded the demon out. (Of course while not touching the person.) I made the valid excuse of being in the middle of homeschooling and got off the phone. Other people have mentioned that perhaps illness has come because of some hidden sin. (If Darren wasn't healed after they had prayed then it must be our fault. Some claimed that now that they had prayed, that healing was surely on it's way. (More than one.)...hmmm pride? Some have tried to "speak for God". Some have said that we just have to "claim the healing". What is that supposed to mean? These are the same people that like to "claim" everything else good in life while denouncing everything hard. (Good comes from God and Bad comes from the Devil right?) It's just not true. God does not guarantee us a "free ride" of ease and relaxation through life. ACTUALLY, He promises that we will be mistreated, misunderstood and will face hard times. And what I've found to be true is that hard times have brought me closer to Jesus. It has been the hard things that have defined and solidified my faith and revealed faith I never knew i had.



"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33



"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." 2 Corinthians 4: 8+9



Another thing I've found to be true is that God has used the difficult things in life to reveal to me who He really is. Over the course of the years, the topic has gone from "healing" to "what really *is* the character of God"... and now to "what should my attitude/perspective be in the light of illness." I have often described to Curt how when life has gotten especially stressful that i get a picture in my mind of staring into the eyes of God in silence. It has been a recurring picture ever since Darren was diagnosed 5 years ago...and then through Sadie's ordeal...and every little thing that wants to set me off into a ball of worry. The feeling that permeates that picture is the one you would get from catching the eyes of the one you love across a crowded room. In the moment your eyes meet, you both know what the other is thinking without talking. God seems to have been "silent" through all our ordeals... except for this picture. But that one image has been the biggest source of comfort to me. He knows the thoughts i can't express in words.

I have also found comfort in ignoring the voices (so called prophecy) of the multitude of people that feel like they are "hearing from God". Ignoring books, sermons, comments of those around me and really focusing in on the Bible alone as my source, and His comfort which is new every morning. I *know* my God, I recognize His voice. His "silence" isn't that he isn't speaking. It's that He is working out something in me that isn't about the words He is saying...It's not about the show, or the emotion... It's deeply personal and peaceful and a re-working of my idea of who He really is. I'm hearing Him... just not in words. I see his face, His eyes....and they are on me...and they are on you. -j

As long as...

A family friend recently asked Curt if he was looking forward to having a boy or a girl.
"Well, it doesn't really matter!"
She laughed and then said something that a person hears a lot when they are expecting:
"Yeah, i guess so. As long as the baby is healthy!" Curt, without thinking blurted out, "Actually, that doesn't really matter either." She looked a little taken aback and then Curt tried to explain why he had said that. "Well, i know what you mean but... We've had 6 children born to us. They were all "healthy" and "perfect". Seven years after Darren was born he was diagnosed with epilepsy. At three, our daughter Sadie was diagnosed with a rare hormonal deficiency called diabetes insipidus. There are no guarantees in life and although we don't want them to be in pain or suffer, we wouldn't trade them for any other two healthy children in the world." When he got home that night he brought up the conversation with me and how he had surprised himself with what he had blurted out. "But Jess, it's true." Yeah, it is.
"As long as they are healthy..." what?
-then i'll be happy?
-then i'll be thankful?
-then i'll know that the pregnancy was "worth it"?
-then i'll know that they will have an easy life and not worry?
not true.
Jesus,
My children are in your hands. I give them back to you. With their strengths, with their frailties...."as long as they belong to you...then I'll know that they have been *fully delivered*.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

In university, one night, the girls in the "North Upper" dorm decided to each write out on an index card, a verse from the Bible that meant something to us and then exchange them with each other. The dorm's Resident Assistant drew my name to give her card to. Her verse was 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. Not sure why some little scraps of notes survive the years and others don't but this one has. It was tucked away with other poetry i had taped all over the walls of my room and had saved when i went home from Trinity for the last time. Now it sits on my desk by my phone. I find that the words are starting to mean more to me as time goes on. With Sadie's strange illness and the frustration, confusion and worry that seem to follow me like a cloud these days, this verse has become a reminder to keep my eyes focused in the proper place. Not looking behind to see where I should have fought harder with the doctors and less with Sadie... not looking ahead at all of the unknowns and "what ifs".
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

The "Perfect Curriculum"

I was dreaming about choosing homeschooling curriculum. My last dream before I woke up. I was poring over all the different selections. I couldn't decide. Suddenly my dream changed and there was a walking baby in a one piece jammie. The baby was walking along what was like a stage, there was soft music and the spotlights around the baby were a psychedelic swirl of colors, sometimes focusing on the baby, sometimes the stage, sometimes...hey! There were people all watching the baby, neatly lined on stands. The baby stopped and focused in one one face. A blond woman with pearl earrings and a hot pink skirt and jacket. A bright white light focused on the "mother" which i recognized her to be. (Not that I've ever dressed that way, or seen any mothers who do lately!! :)) She didn't know what to do, how to react, but the baby was "choosing" her, and just kept staring at her insistently. The baby didn't say anything but the camera lens of my dream, which became the baby's perspective, slowly zoomed in on the shocked mother's face and the music grew in volume. It's then that the dream shredded away from me and...
i woke up
to a new sound.
Wesley calling my name from his crib.
"mamamamamamama..."
I'm wondering now if that dream was born out of a comment i heard at the homeschooling conference. "As the mother... You ARE the curriculum."
God has created the perfect learning environment when He created families. (whether we are trying to teach or not) A father, a mother, children... a home. This is His...We are His... this family...but what am i teaching simply because of who I am, what i say, what i do? Lord, teach me to be the mother you would have me be. Let my faith in YOU be obvious by my actions, my words and the life i live day to day. I surrender this "imperfect curriculum", me, into your hands. Let this life of motherhood praise you.

Beauty for Ashes, Strength for Pain

From comments to my last post, I'm thinking it must be a common feeling--that of plummeting to my certain demise. What a comfort, as Christians to be able to reach out and grab hold of His steady hand. No matter how far away *we* feel from His hand, it is never far but always outstretched to pull us in closer in to Himself so that our eyes become focused on Him alone and not the dizzying waterfall of events that fill our lives. I remember my sister Steph talking about going into the hospital to have her first baby. She said that she felt the natural battle of "fight or flight" going on in her mind and at one point was ready to tell her husband Travis to just grab the bags and they could run away together...away from the pain. Interesting how instinct can move us to make decisions regardless of reasoning. In life, sometimes, there is no "escape". The pain is inevitable. So far, I've run away, hidden, fought back but probably the most popular of my reactions to pain so far has been to hold onto it with the grip of death. What I'm finding though is that God *does* have a way of prying my fingers off of the pain that i hold so tightly, and lifting the burden into His own keeping....and maybe as i let go, that's when he slips a little of His own strength into my hand to take the place of the burden. I hope that by the end of my life, he won't have to pry so hard to force me to let go of my suffering and that my hands will be open for Him to fill with His strength, which is made perfect in my weakness. I was thinking about Isaiah 61 this morning. Beautiful that Jesus would have chosen to read this passage as his first public "sermon":

Isaiah 61
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,
for the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed.
2 He has sent me to tell those who mourn
that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,
and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
3 To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

Maybe I should have called it Thumbless Thursday instead...

After lunch, we all loaded up in the quad and headed out to the "porcupine" tree. It is a tree we named because the summer we moved out here we were exploring and discovered quills under the tree and millions of tiny branches nibbled clean of bark laying under the tree. We knew a porcupine lived there... Then winter came and all the leaves fell off of this huge willow to reveal what years of porcupine nibbling can do! Where one twig was nibbled off, 10 more grew out in a fireworks pattern making the entire tree start to look, itself, like a porcupine! Anyways, The kids have made twig bows and arrows since they were very little and found that the nibbled twigs off of this tree were perfect. We went out today to make some bows for fun with some baler twine. We took some pictures and suddenly Darren made a grimace and said "I cut my thumb off! Carrie was taking pics and snapped one that Darren is quite proud of. Here it is: Anyways, we hoofed-it home, i got a cloth for Darren and when i put the knife on the counter noticed that his finger-nub was still attached to the knife. I grabbed it and we headed out the door to call the girls to get in the vehicle for a trip to emerg. Just as i yelled their names, God showed up... o.k o.k.... maybe not God... but I knew He had something to do with it. Curt's' cousin Tory and his wife Shawna and kids drove in. When they realized what was going on, they quickly offered to take a load of children home with them while i took Darren, Carrie and Wesley into the Hospital. We drove away and Carrie asked me, "How did they know...? Didn't you JUST call them...?... How did they get here so fast?"

I said "No, i called Dad and he wasn't in."
"Well, HOW did they know to come???!!"

"God did it Carrie.... wasn't that amazing?"

"...Yeah!"

Let it be recorded that Tory and Shawna coming over is not a daily occurrence. I have noticed God showing up more and more lately to remind me to trust Him...to remind me that He sees each tear...to remind me that He holds me dear to His heart. Sometimes...some years even, He's seemed so far away. Lately, i can feel his breath on my neck.

We are almost all home now, Darren-- all bandaged up, Carrie-- proud that she got to carry "the finger" in the little aqua kidney dish at the hospital, Curt-- tired from work, Wesley--fed, slept and happy, me--bloggin'...and soon my sweet little Ellie, Sadie and Robin will be coming home with their cousins and we'll have a dinner with God's latest "servants". I pulled a couple lasagnas out of the freezer and we'll hopefully get a little visiting in too before ball tonight.

Today is a day of...

Today is a day of...

Waking up to the sound of a seizure.

Carrying an 11 year old muscle-bound farm boy to the living room couch only to hear him fall off the couch 2 hours later tight in the grips of another seizure that turns him blue.

A 9 year old girl witnessing her hero in confusing pain, wide eyed and not responding.

Curt only needing to hear "I need you." before answering "I'll be right there."

Staying home to make chili, banana bread, coffee and biscuits to stave off the heartache.

A synthetic hormone finding it's home so that a 3 year old girl can have the best day of her life since Feb.

Grampsie visiting by divine providence.

Baseball practices with Gramps and Curt.

Dairy Queen ice cream with Grampsie.

Curt selling horses.

Kids scrubbing out the old swimming pool and filling it with warm water and bubbles.

Sunshine.

Clean floors.

My son waking up...finally.

Staring into the eyes of my Heavenly Father who knew this day was going to come and sent 3 encouraging cards through faithful servants in the mail yesterday for me to read over and over and think about how much He cares too.

E-mailing God

As Curt and I were talking about the HUGE budge in the waiting game that came yesterday, i was reminded of an e-mail i sent out to my family the day before. Here's how it went:

"Sadie was super-beggy today. Frustrating as the no eating is as bad as the want to drink. I'm ready to go back to the Dr. but don't know where to go. They all will think we are crack-pots. She prays that she won't be thirsty and that she will eat and tells me over and over that when she sneaks it makes her feel bad. She told me at nap time that she loved going with auntie Stephie. (thanks for taking her for the day by the way!) :) and then brightened up huge and said "She gave me LOOOOOOTS of drinks!! haa haa! She carried on about the marshmallow milkshake and told me that Auntie Stephanie was funny because she wasn't ALLOWED to have ice cream. I'm tired. Wessie needs me too and so do the other kids. And Curt. So much of my day is a lesson in being patient...i wonder if i prayed for God to teach me patience at one point and this is His hilarious answer. if so, and i know You're listening... NOT funny and I promise to be more patient!!! Please release me from my request!"

I wrote it just like that, with the last part in bold, which is maybe what made me remember it the day after when the call came from the hospital that test results had come back suspicious. He sees, He hears... He even reads His e-mail....and He is a God of *mercy*. Sadie goes into the Stollery tomorrow at 7. Thankful that God providentially designed this week for my parents to be making a business trip to our house for the weekend. hmmm. When He answers prayer, He sees to every detail doesn't He?! It's all I can think about. My heart is lighter today despite Sadie's continued thirst and begging and our attempts to constantly distract and satisfy with ice chips and mini mr. freezies. The older kids took her out to watch the horses get shod until lunch. I'm thankful for my other children who are learning patience and mercy and grace and service and gentleness and self control and kindness and goodness in a very intense sort of way along with me. As my grandmother likes to say: "There isn't an ill wind that doesn't blow some good." She's right.

Use this vessel as You choose...

This past Tuesday, in preparation for the Premiers' Prayer Breakfast, my sisters and I were invited to a dinner of about 40 organizers, sponsors

and participants at

the Westin Hotel. I rarely go out for "dinner" and if I do, it's always with Curt....and i wear jeans. I dressed up for this dinner, out of my pastel, monogrammed bunny apron i got for my wedding 12 years ago, and into some black heels. Well, i wore more than just heels, but you get the idea. I forgot how painful footwear can be! Curt drove me in as I am petrified about driving in the city and we picked up the kids at Grandmas next door on the way as they were helping with the final burning of the old barn. That was perhaps a bad idea. The kids filed into the vehicle in their dusty rubber boots smelling like burning manure and 100

year old barn, Curt in his work clothes, me in my earrings, new blouse and heels. I'm sure

we made quite the scene walking through the lobby of the Westin Hotel in downtown Edmonton, a strong farm husband trailing a fancy wife

and 6 dusty, stinky children. I'm sure, because others told me at the dinner that they saw us arrive. Well, if you can't be yourselves, who can you be?...I'm the only one who didn't come as i normally am. Anyways, the three of us girls headed over to the Shaw to try out the sound. We were stunned when we saw the HUGE venue. I hadn't imagined that there would be 1200 people there! Interestingly, I don't think any of us had any shred of nervousness about the whole thing during any part of it. That was a first! I am usually the resident basket case and for this, i was totally calm. Maybe it was the numbness from lack of sleep, or perhaps the giddiness that seeps in when my sisters surround me. Whatever it was, it was a welcome change for me! After the sound check we went back to the hotel room to check in on our husbands and children.

Curt and Paige's husband Neil dressed the kids all up and went for a swim with them while we

waited for our sister Steph to get ready for the dinner. She had driven with 2 of her 7 children all the way from Hinton alone. The rest were home with dad. Wesley was in a wild screechy, teething mood and i had a feeling that i may be called away from the dinner early. When Steph was ready, we went to the meeting room together. A large bowl of punch with floating strawberries and pineapple was at the door and a huge open rectangular table filled the room. It was like King Arthur... only...rectangular. After everyone had arrived, the salad came and we were asked to go around the table and introduce ourselves and speak a bit about ourselves. It took quite awhile and as we listened our dinner was presented. Beautiful thin-sliced roast beef, squash, asparagus, carrots, potatoes, gravy...mmmmm. The three of us girls would end

the introductions and just as i took my first bite, my phone buzzed. It was most likely Curt needing help with screaming Wes. It was also my turn to introduce myself. As i had been sitting

there, listening to everyone introduce themselves as the CEO of this company or that sports team, or describe themselves in terms of their work and who they served, an interesting thought came over me. We are 3 little housewives. It wasn't a feeling of being somehow "less". It was an overwhelming reminder of one of the songs we had planned to sing the next morning. I introduced myself, describing my family to the wild applause around the table. hah! And then I quoted the verse from the song that was pulsing in my head. "Lord, you formed me out of clay. And for Your glory I was made. Use this vessel as You choose. And let my life, O Lord, praise You." Whether our days consist of making decisions that acutely affect a small family of 8, or a large province full of people, our lives are to bring Him praise. Beautiful that He created us

for His glory and can use 3 little housewives to sing praise to Him at a celebration to remind

us provincially that there is One who ultimately makes all the decisions. We are all vessels

in the potter's hands... fill me up with more of You, Lord, and use me to display the works of Your hands.

Premiers' Prayer Breakfast 2009

Because I haven't written in so long and I'm exhausted... here are links to what I've been up to with my sisters lately. Sadie is in the hospital for the second night in a row running tests, sending away blood to the states to check her hormones. Curt and I are tag teaming so that we are with her the whole time. Sometimes you go through life holding your breath. That's me right now! I'm thankful for the bright spot of excitement the past couple weeks in preparation for this event at the Shaw.

http://sojourner-ephraim.blogspot.com/2009/04/premiers-prayer-breakfast-take-1.html#links

http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/mamazee

The work of His hand...

This blog began with the entry "waiting..." accompanied by the first pictures of my son...in utero. Every now and then, when I take a new picture of Wesley, I go back to this first one and compare it to him "then". This picture *is* Psalm 139 to me... God saw Wes while he was being formed in the "secret place"...being "knit together in his mothers' womb"... I love that Psalm. It is a reminder that God was there in our own personal beginning. He knew us during those long, warm, dark months in the womb, and He *continues* to know us and form us. Daily, it's as if his hand keeps urging us on... "There's more... Keep looking...Don't give up...Not too much longer and you'll see what all of this is for...Trust me." If all there is to "life" is birth and physical maturity, what more could we need? Maybe happiness, a long life and eventually a peaceful death? But then there is the "small" problem of this strange longing for God...for "something more". If Wes could have had a philosophical mind in the womb, would he wonder what his legs were for? There is no running in that tiny place. Would he wonder why he had a mouth? He was being fed through his umbilical cord. What good is a mouth? Would he wonder why he had eyes? There was nothing to see in the darkness. Would he maybe wonder if the womb wasn't all there was to his life?....Would he wonder if there is something "beyond the womb?" Sometimes it's hard to not wonder what is going on "behind the curtain" of my life. Experience, nature, and my limited understanding of God so far though have shown me that no matter how painful or long the process is, the work of His hand is a miracle. And so, Lord, help me to bend easily to your hand as you make me, change me, and birth in *me* something of *your* spirit and character. Until we see each other "face to face", hide me safe in your keeping, in the womb of your love. There is more to come... I want to see Him face to face. My Father. My Keeper.

1 Corinthians 13:12 (New International Version)
12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

See me?

When my nephew Luther was just learning how to put words together to pray, one of his earliest prayers was "See me?...amen." My parents reminded me of this this week as they bought a C-dory (boat) and were thinking of naming it "C-ME" after this little prayer of his that everyone thought was so deep and sweet.
This week has been a hard one. We dealt with the flu... so far me, Sadie and Robin. Hopefully no more to follow! We had a 10 hour hospital visit with Sadie which included Sadie vomiting in the packed waiting room 2 times and no one coming to clean it up for almost 2 full hours... Then when we got in to see the Dr. The flu hit me full force and I was sick all the way home as well. (GONG SHOW!) The next day I got an e-mail from the church saying:

Hi Jessica,

We as the staff and pastors, pray for the congregation weekly. This week your names came up, and I would like to know, if there is anything that you would like prayer for this week.

Hope to hear from you,

***********
I wrote back:

The flu. Sadie and I have it and I'm sure it will make it's way through the family this week. Pray for strength and health. Thank you so much!-j

************
The church wrote back:

Thanks for sharing. The flu is not fun. Will pray against it spreading through the family. Take care.

**********

Today, as we are entering day 5 of Sadie not eating, I decided, spur of the moment to take her into the Superstore and see if she could pick something out that would entice her to eat even just a little nibble. As I neared the store though, i realized "Arg! It's Saturday in the early afternoon. That place is always packed even on the slowest days!" I drove in and the parking lot was packed. I quick breathed out a short little prayer. "Dear Jesus, help me to find a parking spot...?" I drove past the first two lines of double parked cars and when i came to the third, the one right in front of the doors, i saw something extravagant.... 5 free parking spots! Tears come to my eyes and maybe it isn't a big thing, a parking stall... a simply worded e-mail... but today it was for me. That extravagant answer to prayer was as if God was speaking right to me saying. "I see you jess..." I care *this* much about that silly parking stall... how much more do I care for this little one you are worried for?" He sees me. He sees us.