40 days for life.

I had signed up a couple weeks ago... 

 This hour of prayer, not in the comfort of my home, but on the street.

A street that balances an abortion clinic on one side and a Christian-run crisis pregnancy counselling center on the other.  I was to be a little slice of obedience, pacing the sidewalk between them... praying.

The day before i was to go, my husband Curt decided to come with me and we asked Grampsie to watch the kids.  I picked Curt up at his work and we went into the city together. 

I remember watching a video last year that my sister had made of 40 days for life.  One question she asked... and the answer that was given, has never left me.  In the video, my sister pointed the camera at a little Catholic grandmother and asked the question "Why is prayer so important?"  The lady, without missing a beat, answered completely backward to what most people would say.  "Because Prayer is how God speaks to us."  (Don't we often think that prayer is how *we* speak to *God*?) I had to watch the video again and again.  It was an amazing answer.  Today, as we paced, that video played in my mind.  I walked, and instead of my own words pouring out as they often do... God spoke.  He spoke to me when, while walking away from Curt, our baby Eva, strapped to my back, called out "DADDY!  DADDY?"  I spoke gently to her.  "Eva, do you want Daddy?  Is he going to come?"  At that moment, an image of Jesus' face was impressed on me with the thought that the children being aborted across the street were His children.  He was their Daddy.  I prayed "Come Lord Jesus." 

 Later, Eva decided she wanted Curt to hold her so i undid the backpack and Curt took her out and walked on ahead with her.  I snapped the backpack up again and began walking in silence.  It was then that God spoke to me.  "You are a symbol of what goes on here."  I walked in silence with my empty backpack... no heat from Eva's tiny body... just cold, empty wind.  God wants me to see these children as my own as well... not just His.   

When we had first arrived at the clinic, there was an older man in his 60's praying the rosary as he walked the length of the sidewalk.  Every time we passed him, the words "Beautiful Catholic" flooded over me.  The faithfulness of Catholics in particular choosing to be associated with this issue has encouraged me so much over the years. I want my faithfulness to be Beautiful too. Tonight, during Bible study with the kids, we discussed the verse in Micah

Micah 6:8

New King James Version

⁸ He has shown you, O man, what is good;
And what does the Lord require of you
But to do justly,
To love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God? 

So much to learn... Come Lord Jesus.  

 

Sadie's most recent MRI results

Here is the e-mail i sent my family this afternoon. Blood work is done and now we wait...again.

"You can send this out as we are asking for prayer. Sadie had her repeat MRI today at 10 am. At 3:30, Dr. M called us with the results and said that they found a change. There is a thickening of the pituitary stalk that they had been looking for and this is a change from the previous MRI results. (Repeated MRI's were to look for "changes" as a small, slow-growing tumour may not necessarily show up in the first MRI's.) He said that this could either be nothing, or it could be very serious. It could be one of two things:
1. a brain tumour
2. Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis (which her history leans more towards)
From what I've read in the past, both would require chemotherapy. Dr Marks has already talked to the Hematologist/Oncologist and said that he was going to call them back after he got off the phone with me. He is sending a requisition to the lab for us to get done and he said that we should have an appointment with Hematology/Oncology within 1-2 weeks. I just called the lab and the rec came in so we're going to go in tonight and try to get it done before the long weekend. Please pray for Sadie and for us as we navigate these waters with the kids. I am usually a woman of too many words and i don't want to say too much, or the wrong thing, or jump to any conclusions. Just to handle each little piece of information as it comes. Asking again for wisdom. -j"

E-mailing God

As Curt and I were talking about the HUGE budge in the waiting game that came yesterday, i was reminded of an e-mail i sent out to my family the day before. Here's how it went:

"Sadie was super-beggy today. Frustrating as the no eating is as bad as the want to drink. I'm ready to go back to the Dr. but don't know where to go. They all will think we are crack-pots. She prays that she won't be thirsty and that she will eat and tells me over and over that when she sneaks it makes her feel bad. She told me at nap time that she loved going with auntie Stephie. (thanks for taking her for the day by the way!) :) and then brightened up huge and said "She gave me LOOOOOOTS of drinks!! haa haa! She carried on about the marshmallow milkshake and told me that Auntie Stephanie was funny because she wasn't ALLOWED to have ice cream. I'm tired. Wessie needs me too and so do the other kids. And Curt. So much of my day is a lesson in being patient...i wonder if i prayed for God to teach me patience at one point and this is His hilarious answer. if so, and i know You're listening... NOT funny and I promise to be more patient!!! Please release me from my request!"

I wrote it just like that, with the last part in bold, which is maybe what made me remember it the day after when the call came from the hospital that test results had come back suspicious. He sees, He hears... He even reads His e-mail....and He is a God of *mercy*. Sadie goes into the Stollery tomorrow at 7. Thankful that God providentially designed this week for my parents to be making a business trip to our house for the weekend. hmmm. When He answers prayer, He sees to every detail doesn't He?! It's all I can think about. My heart is lighter today despite Sadie's continued thirst and begging and our attempts to constantly distract and satisfy with ice chips and mini mr. freezies. The older kids took her out to watch the horses get shod until lunch. I'm thankful for my other children who are learning patience and mercy and grace and service and gentleness and self control and kindness and goodness in a very intense sort of way along with me. As my grandmother likes to say: "There isn't an ill wind that doesn't blow some good." She's right.

The day after deprivation

Well, we made it through so many days of waiting only to be given another set of days to wait. Dr's visits begetting Dr's visits. Finally got in with the Nephrologist for Sadie, waited another 5 days for her "water deprivation test". By the time the test rolled around, she was drinking almost 7 litres of water/24 hours. We were up every hour of the night changing her and giving drinks as it continued on into the night. Morning diapers weighed in at 7 1/2 lbs. Sadie and I spent yesterday laying in the clinical investigations wing of the hospital. Curt, my hero of a husband came and brought Wesley. He looked after him all day at the hospital so that I could stay with Sadie and when Wes needed nursing, Curt brought him to me. I love that man. Curt's mom had all our other kids spend the day at her house making cinnamon buns and playing with cousins....I love her for that too. I brought Darren's DS with a "Dora Explorer" game borrowed from a friend, books and dollar store prizes to be chosen after each unpleasant test. That was my aunt and cousin's suggestion and it was a great tool to have on a day that was guaranteed to be a rough one. I carried her through the halls as we waited in between "checks", reminding her that i love her as i said "no" to repeated cries for water. We made scheduled and repeated trips to the washroom on the hour for samples of blood, urine, BP and weight. She lost 4 % of her body weight during the test (easy for a 28 lb 3 yr old to do) and her sodium was rising, something they were watching for. Suddenly it rose higher than their limit and the test was abruptly ended, last samples were taken and the anti-diuretic hormone was given to see what her reaction was to it....It was Diabetes Insipidus...Then the last results from the lab came back and the sodium was back to it's original number... high, but not at a level warranting stopping the test! They decided that the sudden jump in sodium in her blood work was probably due to the saline flush from her IV. So frustrating to have them screw up after such a long torturous day of it. Dr. decided that he needed to talk to the leading expert in Diabetes Insipidus, Dr. Bichet, who lives in Quebec regarding the results and in the meantime we were to cut her drinking down to 2litres/24 hours starting that day. WELL! We went home answer-less...She was parched and didn't want to eat on the way home. Only drink despite not having eaten anything all day. (The test had lasted from 3 am-2 pm.) I allowed about 4 cups total by the time bed rolled around and then explained to her that we were not going to give her drinks during the night. She said "I'm not thirsty anyways." !!! I haven't heard her say that ever. I tucked her into bed and she did not wake up for drinks even once. At 3 i woke her up to see if she could pee as i worried that she had drunk too much and if she couldn't pee it out (because of the hormone) it could be problems but she didn't have to go. At 7 am I pulled on some pants, coat, shoes and pulled my hair into a ponytail. I didn't wash my face, brush my hair or my teeth (This whole ordeal is encouraging some un-hygienic practices) got Sadie up, urine sample collected and went into the lab for more blood work. I was amazed with her reaction to the anti-diuretic hormone! My uneducated opinion is that she *is* concentrating her urine but just not *enough*. I think because she is losing too much fluid, she is getting thirsty. Around 11, her asking for water began again. She had only drunk 1 1/3rd cups of water, but 600mls plus the urine sample had escaped. Her drinking seems to be fuelled by her peeing. I guess we will see as time goes on. It is Easter so we won't get in to see the Nephrologist till next week when he has booked us in, but hopefully more will surface between now and then. In the meantime, it feels like God is just right here... silently watching and waiting with me. I recognize this "feeling". When Darren was diagnosed with epilepsy i remember feeling like God was present but He was silent. His silence annoyed me and made me angry. Somehow, this time around, His silent presence is peaceful and reassuring. It's an acute awareness that He sees my heart, He knows my thoughts...."...even before a word is on my lips, (He) knows it completely..." (psalm 139... again) The silence, to me, is God listening.

See me?

When my nephew Luther was just learning how to put words together to pray, one of his earliest prayers was "See me?...amen." My parents reminded me of this this week as they bought a C-dory (boat) and were thinking of naming it "C-ME" after this little prayer of his that everyone thought was so deep and sweet.
This week has been a hard one. We dealt with the flu... so far me, Sadie and Robin. Hopefully no more to follow! We had a 10 hour hospital visit with Sadie which included Sadie vomiting in the packed waiting room 2 times and no one coming to clean it up for almost 2 full hours... Then when we got in to see the Dr. The flu hit me full force and I was sick all the way home as well. (GONG SHOW!) The next day I got an e-mail from the church saying:

Hi Jessica,

We as the staff and pastors, pray for the congregation weekly. This week your names came up, and I would like to know, if there is anything that you would like prayer for this week.

Hope to hear from you,

***********
I wrote back:

The flu. Sadie and I have it and I'm sure it will make it's way through the family this week. Pray for strength and health. Thank you so much!-j

************
The church wrote back:

Thanks for sharing. The flu is not fun. Will pray against it spreading through the family. Take care.

**********

Today, as we are entering day 5 of Sadie not eating, I decided, spur of the moment to take her into the Superstore and see if she could pick something out that would entice her to eat even just a little nibble. As I neared the store though, i realized "Arg! It's Saturday in the early afternoon. That place is always packed even on the slowest days!" I drove in and the parking lot was packed. I quick breathed out a short little prayer. "Dear Jesus, help me to find a parking spot...?" I drove past the first two lines of double parked cars and when i came to the third, the one right in front of the doors, i saw something extravagant.... 5 free parking spots! Tears come to my eyes and maybe it isn't a big thing, a parking stall... a simply worded e-mail... but today it was for me. That extravagant answer to prayer was as if God was speaking right to me saying. "I see you jess..." I care *this* much about that silly parking stall... how much more do I care for this little one you are worried for?" He sees me. He sees us.