Note to Self:

The computer screen in our house (thanks to the baby) usually greets me with a Google prompt of:

   " Your search - kkksikihsueh03hkomv dew - did not match any documents."    

The fridge freezer in our house has borne for a full week the "reason why" 4 yr olds should not put a pop can in the freezer and leave it there.  I know... i know... i gotta clean that up.

The black piano, covered in tiny fingerprints all over it's body, breathes a deep sigh of relief when it has completed 4 or so hours of "practicing" with all of the "music-box dancing"/ moonlight sonata/ jazzy-blues/ sunday morning worship...."just bang on it for fun and make up a song" frenzy that this house can muster.  I really need doors on the music room!

My fiddle players are becoming "VIOLINISTS" and that has meant endless attempts at "vibrato"
10 full minutes of  excercises in sustained vibrato while "shifting" higher and higher up the neck of the violin... followed by a short break before the next installment of vibrato... it's a little nerve wracking...especially on the higher notes.

There are newly purchased toilet plungers attached perpendicularly to the wall.

There are notes scattered around the house that the kids have been writing to the squirrels  ( a spring tradition)  And there are also notes written *from* the squirrels.  :) I may run out of printer ink with all the pictures of squirrels being printed off....

I didn't clean our room... or even make our bed. 
I didn't clean the bathrooms.
I didn't wash the floors.
I didn't....

So what is the point?  Well...I am high stress and so many days i go to bed thinking.. "Well, all we accomplished today was a messier house!  ....But i want to be more positive!  I want to be more *appreciative*...and i know i have the tendency to believe that nothing i do (or am)  is good enough... but it's a heavy thing, and i think i am passing that on to my kids.  So this is my "note to self" today... (sitting in bed with a migraine.)

 My house is absolutely fast paced and kinda messy during the day... but I don't want  those to be the only things I remember about these years. so...

 Here's what *else* happened today: 

We did get school done for 5 kids... well, 1/2 done... i never feel done.
I drove Carrie to physio.
Ellie taught Wes how to ride his bike with no training wheels in the heated garage.  (We had freezing rain and snow today.)
Robin wrote a letter to her cousin....and used a dictionary for corrections.
I made 4 loaves of bread, 2 batches of buns and 6 pizzas with the "help" of a few little people.
About 3?, 4? loads of laundry were cleaned and put away, 2 or 3 loads of dishes were done... (another is waiting)
I was able to answer emails and organize music to lead worship this weekend and go over it with my "strings".
The kids caught 3 wild rabbits to "give" to the children's intern as a belated birthday present. 
I had a "heart to heart" with my 13 year old.
I read most of Exodus.
Prayed into all the cracks and crannies of my days for two friends. One an old college friend and one a baby, both seriously sick and in the hospital.
I kissed and hugged.
Wes helped "decorate" the pizzas.
I snuggled baby. (and that COUNTS!)
And then i layed down on the couch and begged for silence for my migraine...
and i felt like a failure. 
Why? 
One of my favourite worship songs comes to mind just now as i type and maybe i need to sing it more often in the quiet of the evening (when i'm not in pain)....because when i sing it to HIM it is so powerful to me that HE is so totally ENOUGH...and there is tremendous relief in that thought. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHEm-b4IRYk

-enough-

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
Worth living for
And still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You're my sacrifice
Of greatest price
And still more awesome than I know
You're the coming King
You are everything
And still more awesome than I know

More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough for me

Text- Talk

As we were going out the door to go to church tonight, Wes unloads his tiny pockets at the doorway.
Wes: "I Has MONEY!"  (pennies, dimes and nickles roll on the wood floor)
me: "Where did you get that money Wes?  Did you take it from dad's drawer??"
Darren: "He's been stealing from everyone's room lately...B.T.W. mom."
I look up at Darren.
me: "Um... don't say that."
Darren:  "What?!   BTW...By... The ... Way...?"
me:  "I know...  It's just weird to talk like you are texting."
Darren:  (laughing in his deep deep teen voice)
Sadie:  "He stole that money from Ellie's room!  I saw him do it!" 
me:  "Let me guess F..Y..I?"
Sadie:  NO!!!  silly!  It's E.. L.. L.. I.. E!!"

September-November

Sadie in September '11 and November '11:I have been shocked by the change in my little girl over the course of the first few weeks of her chemotherapy treatment for  Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis.  The prednisone, famous for weight gain and "moon-face", has most definitely left it's mark on my little girl.  2 more weeks of weekly treatments of vinblastine and heavy predisone until we change to treatments every 3 weeks for the rest of the year.  She is grumpy from the medication as well so we are having a lot of heart to hearts and cuddle time.  Grampsie is back and helping in every and any way that he can find to do.  He came to the last treatment with us and the port was not working properly.  Nurses suspect a small blood clot that may be blocking the tube so we will go in early next week and see if there is still a problem and if they still cannot draw blood from the port, they will flush it with a powerful blood clot buster and also send her for x-rays to make sure that there is not a problem with the actual Ivad tubing and placement.  The other kids are doing so well.  Robin has needed a little extra love with all the changes and also came with us to the last chemo.  It has SNOWED, so the kids have been spending every afternoon after school skating on the pond in the back 40, x-country skiing around the perimeter of the yard and practicing archery in the barn.  We set up the Christmas tree and made decorations today.  We also re- started the afternoon winter tradition of popcorn and hot chocolate when they come in with ruby red freezing cheeks and need a warm up.  It's the little traditions that make life feel normal... even though i know that it will never be the same again.  Sadie will never go back to being the same girl she was in September.  She changed day one.  My sister reminded me of a passage in Anne of Green Gables where Anne lost her baby.  The book describes her face as having a quality that it had never had before... and would never be gone from her face again.  Some things in life leave their mark... and this has been one of them.  When chemo is over, Sadie will begin growth hormone treatment and she will change drastically again in a short amount of time.  Her childhood pictures will have a strange sort of feel... not the gradual change that we all normally have, but huge leaps into sickness and healing and change.  It's drastic... and the change in me is drastic too.  I feel my heart exploding into a thousand different questions and thoughts that i am nesting on.  Praying that God would give me the proper perspective to be the kind of mom he is calling me to be in all of this.  I surrender...and now what does that look like?  It feels like certain death for part of me... but maybe that part was never meant to live... and when it dies, something beautiful will take it's place?  "Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies..." thinking of that verse tonight...-j    

Wild Wes

It's been a long two weeks.  I've been sick and now i've lost my voice completely.  Curt will have to take Sadie in for chemo today.  She was teary last night and this morning as it will be the first hospital visit that I haven't been able to go with her.  She seemed to accept it okay when i told her that we didn't want to make the other kids in the oncology ward sick as their bodies cannot fight sickness when they have lower blood counts.   I was washing up with Sadie this morning when Wes, my loud talker comes in with a huge announcement.  I answered him in a whisper.  He stopped, leaned over the tub and asked "How come you can't talk!?" I whispered "I lost my voice Wes!" His eyes got real big and serious and he slowly shook his finger at me and announced, "Then Wessie will FFFF- FIIIIND it for you!". Love that boy.  During chores he had pulled my arm over to the comfy chair in the kitchen and begged "Love me Mom!"  So we were snuggling when Robbie came up and carefully asked "Can I have some G-U-M?"  I said after chores were done she could.  Then went back to snuggling Wes.  He was quiet for a minute and then said "Jew-EM??.....Jew-EM!???...I want some JEW--EM!?  Can I have some JEW--EM?"  I guess a careful spelling of gum wasn't enough to deter a 2 year old.  If someone else is having it... he must have some too.  Maybe I should tell him that the other kids already finished some p-o-t-t-y-  t-r-a-i-n-i-n-g... maybe he'd want a piece of that too.  :P    

Sleepless

What i need most, sleep, my mind won't allow.

I want to carry it...

the disease

the poison (that is the cure)

her suffering...

but

this burden won't lift.

It wants *her*.

She's 5...

She buries her face in the barn kittens and gives them names: "Isabella" and "Sara".

She sets out the dishes and mini tea-pot to have tea parties with her 2 year old brother.

She sneaks out of her bed at night and cuddles into bed with her 8 year old sister Ellie.

She rolls and rolls like a sea otter in the hot tub in nothing but her Dora undies.

She tells Curt "When I grow up, I'm gonna marry you Dad!"

She looks up at me when we go for a walk and squeezes my hand 3 times which means "I love you"... and then quickly tells me "But I love Jesus more!...Is that okay?"

She told me her favourite things about the hospital were "jell-o" and "snuggling in bed with you mom".

She's 5.

It's too heavy for her.

I want to take it from her...

But the burden begins...

and i am helpless.

The chemo flows through *her* tiny veins...

not mine...

no matter how willing i am to take it in.

She's only 5.

She's come undone

Life has been a good kind of busy and full lately but it feels as though all i do is stand in the middle of the action and bite my fingers. Curt and Darren stole away for a night on an impromptu bear hunt, Wes (2) has been hunting moles and learning to ride his bike, Carrie is one of only 2 girls on her highly competitive ball team and is going full tilt as are Robin and Ellie who are being coached by Curt this year. Darren has ball too but it seems to get cancelled more often than not, which suits him (and me) fine. A lot of nights i am left home with the three little ones while the rest head off to their respective diamonds. Sadie and Wes are not that fond of baseball and trying to watch a game and nurse a baby, deal with a potty trainer and a 5 year old who wants to go for ice cream is not as relaxing as staying home and playing in the bush. Potty training has backslidden for poor Wes as we tried to get his daytime nap back in there somehow. That's been discouraging! But he is a goofball and tease and maturing in so many other ways. The other night I said "I love you Wes!" and he answered with "I wuv my bike!" When i reacted to that he thought it was great fun so now he will come up to me and say "Do you wike me?" and i say "Oh Wes! I LOVE you so much!" and then he will say "I Love DAD!!" and laugh. The other day i said "I love you!" as i left him at his grandmas to make an appointment in town and he responded with "I wuv you too mom." I went wild and ran back to him with hugs and kisses and then he laughed and said "I wuv buggin' you mom!" Some days i can't believe that he is only 2! Such a tease. Sadie has been planting little gardens of wildflowers and vegetables in the bushes with me and the rest of the kids and making mud cakes with Wes while we build forts and shower each other with bug spray. She hasn't changed for the worse or the better that i've noticed other than complaining of headaches more often than my other kids ever did and having less energy than they did. Her most recent MRI showed a 3mm thickening of the pituitary stalk so we have been getting blood work-ups again... and i know this is one of the reasons for my anxiety. When there are suspicions with Sadie's MRI's, i seem to gravitate again to late nights of researching on the Internet and i feel like i could let the world go on ahead of me but i just have to wait in that same spot until the doctors tell me it's all going to be okay again...The children's game "Red light/Green light" comes to mind as i try to explain my feelings. Right now, i'm frozen on a "Red light". Blood tests that have come back so far for tumour markers and hormones have all been good, so now we wait to see what the pediatric oncologist has to say again...No easy way to diagnose LCH... if that's what it is and lesions could take years to appear after initial DI symptoms are apparent...and so... Here I stand...in the middle of their growing up years... holding my breath. It's not me. I was designed to be a whirlwind of activity...and yet, God has provided for me to sit still and listen for His voice. I'm not angry anymore, like i was for years after Darren was diagnosed with epilepsy... and then again when Sadie seemed to be such a medical mystery. I noticed the other day that my anger is gone. I'm sad. I think the sadness was always there but it was mostly overshadowed by my anger. I've had sadness burst out of the cracks though... laying in bed one night and suddenly, surprisingly, out of the blue, i burst into wracking sobs. Curt, awake beside me didn't say a thing. Didn't even roll over. I think he *knew*. I've been praying for a new perspective though...and i think this sorrow is a move in the right direction. I'm done having a stare-off with God. I'm feeling more like falling into his chest. My inadequacy is obvious...the doctors inadequacy is obvious...but God is *not* inadequate. He is the designer of my children, the designer of this life and this heart. And He's pulling me in closer to His life, and His heart.

The "Kids"

I was preparing pork chops and rice tonight for dinner and Sadie walked past me with a little white bowl filled to the brim with raw rice grains. "I'm going to hide these ALL over the house and then we can go find them!!" (*big happy grin*)

At the dinner table today Darren was teasing Wesley. Wes was trying to tease him back by yelling "Don't Robin!" "Don't Carrie!!" Darren looked at the rest of us. "See? That just proves that I am Everyone and Everything to him!"
...perspective. :)

The Homecoming

Sitting at the piano tonight after the little kids were all tucked away, I lured Darren in with his fiddle to play worship songs with me. I have been making lyric sheets up with harmonies written in alphabet form... I am not good at writing out music properly...but Darren gets it. :)
So many nights since the kids were little have been spent by the light of my piano light belting out worship songs by myself. I wonder if my kids will remember that about me.
The way i remember my mom.
When my sisters and I were put to bed at night i remember listening to my mom at the piano. One song in particular stands out for me...for all of us. It was a popular song at the time. She played "The Homecoming". Even the name made my sentimental heart ache, and laying in my bed each night listening to that same melody is a memory that is hard to package in a story for my kids... it was hearing the emotion in the way mom played too. I wondered what she was thinking as she played. Some nights i feel like i am playing myself towards a "homecoming" of my own. I ache for Heaven. I can't wait to see Him face to face. I wonder if my kids hear that when i play. I hope so.

I waited.

From my original due date, i am now 18 days overdue. Obviously i was wrong. From the ultrasound due date, i am now officially 1 day overdue... which is really not overdue at all i guess. This is how it feels though.

-That Christmas has come and gone and i forgot to open the presents. (I like this thought though as it reminds me that there is still something good coming.)
-That maybe I'm not pregnant after all and i'm one of those women experiencing a "phantom pregnancy".
- That maybe she'll come *next* summer.
- That I should have done more "get ahead" schooling the end of last year if i had've known she would be this late.
- It feels like God is trying to teach me that i need to learn to relax in the thought that sometimes, HE is in control... and then relax a little more in the thought that ACTUALLY, He's in control ALL the time. ;)...God is prying my fingers one by one off of all the things in my life that i see as *mine*.
Time being one of them.
When i feel anger, He's teaching me peace.
When i feel lost, He's teaching me to hear his voice.
When i feel lonely, He's teaching me to recognize his touch.
When i feel let down, He's teaching me to depend on Him alone.
When i feel impatient, He's teaching me patience.
When i feel incompetent, He's teaching me to trust that He is fully able.
Lord, make this time of waiting on Eva a time of waiting on You....Help me to rest in You.

The baby

I know we've been calling Eva "the baby" for 9 months... but now that she is almost here... i look at Wes and think that maybe i "dethroned" him too soon. Curt has been getting up early with Wes for the past couple months so that I can get an extra half an hour of sleep but this morning was different. Curt had been out until almost 1 am picking up a friend of ours at the airport and was so tired. I rolled out of bed and bundled Wes into my arms, heading to the kitchen. He was cranky...and the house was full of sleeping people.
"Do you want toast?"
"no"
"yogurt?"
"no"
"Want to go in the hot tub?"
"no"
...and then i remembered the other day how Curt had taken him riding horse and Wes couldn't quit talking about "baby horse".
"Do you want to go quading out in the field to see the baby horse?"
"UP!!!! (yup) SHOES!! 'mon!! (come on!) 'mon!!" I downed the last of my breakfast and we headed out. The air was cool and the quad was covered in wet from the night so I wiped off the seat and plopped Wes in front of my solid baby belly and headed out. The fields looked empty. I guess even the animals wanted to sleep in this morning. We drove past the garden and the stallion's pen and Wes jabbered away, pointing at the sunflowers, and "Nitro". We pulled up to the shed and a handful of bunnies skittered underneath. (Curt released a few 3 years ago and they thrived....and multiplied). After opening and closing gates, we drove into the field. One goat sauntered out of the shed, then 3 pigs, then the dog. Wes was in his glory waking up the world. We drove around the west fence until suddenly Wes started pointing and hooting. "Horse! Horse!!" He had spotted the group of horses on the eastern fence line. We drove over there and they took off running. "Ohhhhhh! Fast Fast!" We spent the next 10 minutes just puttering around in the middle of the horses. Wes jabbered non-sensically when one horse nibbled on the fence and grass and made big chewing actions to mimic her. Then the baby horses tried nursing and he said "Awwwe! Baby." And then, of course, a horse having a bowel movement is a *thing to behold* for a child and the vocabulary words are, of course, the favourites: "POOOP!! BUM! BUM!" On our way back to the house, we saw the cat and her batch of kittens so had to stop for that too. "Down!" I let him down and turned off the quad. He marched right up to the mama cat, cupped her face in his tiny baby hands and kissed her full on the lips. (Do cats have lips?) She closed her eyes, stretched and strangely seemed to enjoy it. Then he picked up a kitten and asked "home?" No, we couldn't bring the kitten home. "Tay, Bye!" He put the kitten back with it's mother and marched back to the quad. His mood had improved greatly in the time we had been outside. So much about him is still so little, but i see shades of my big boy Darren... and big sweeping brush strokes in him resembling my husband. The baby is becoming a boy.

In the last days

I am overdue and underdue... and who knows what time I'm due. I DO know one thing though. The last days of a pregnancy are quite the emotional ride. Excited that we're so close, frustrated that nothing is happening, nervous as to how this homeschooling year will look and how I'll feel when we finally get going with it, afraid to fail, in love again deeper with my husband who absolutely relishes the HERO worship he gets from the kids in the last month of pregnancy as he helps make their days over the top fun just by BEING here and coming home early...and my kids who are so willing to help out and pray for their little sister who's arrival is so much the center of attention right now. I have been trying to get something done every day and find that if i lay down between tasks, the day is much less painful! :) I guess what i feel i need right now is a reminder of all the things that make being pregnant with Eva at this time (mid Aug) so beautiful. Summer can be hot...but the heat is outweighed by these:
Curt took kids fishing at Calling Lake.
I went raspberry picking with Wes and Sadie and then we made JAM. (YUM!!)
Curt and Darren cleaned and fried up the fish to the thrill of all the catchers.
Curt took kids quadding to the mountains.
Curt took kids floating down the Pembina river.
The kids play in the sprinkler and splash pool and have picnics on the lawn.
We have been picnicking on fresh peas and carrots from the garden daily.
Every day someone clips flowers from the field, bush or garden to have fresh ones in the house.
(Today, Carrie, Robin and I clipped a huge vase of sunflowers and sweet peas.)
Watermelon is in every grocery store.
Frogs are aplenty.
No one has to worry about homework, music lessons, baseball or other extra activities as they have all faded away for the rest of the summer.
I was allowed to turn the hot tub down to 99 degrees so that i could go in!!
Late night hot tubs with the kids...especially the older 2 who like to say things like "Start talking mom and we'll listen in on your conversation."
Sundresses.
No shoes.
Alberta thunderstorms in the evenings.
And most of all... little Eva won't have to be bundled up like a cotton ball when she comes home from the hospital. We will unfold her red, soft tiny body, inspect every tiny bit of her, inhale her apple-sweetness and enjoy her in the sunshine and fresh air. I can't wait!

Stalking a Surprise

Like a plump snail, recoiling into her shell, I'm feeling the need to hide away a little bit as i continue to wait for the arrival of this little one. *My* due dates have come and gone--I didn't really have much faith in them anyways with the ultrasound date being seventeen days later!--and yet there is no panic in the extra waiting. I keep putting off scheduling school for this fall and maybe that's whats keeping me calm. In the back of my mind there is a totally delusional thought that this baby is going to wait until i have every little job completed, every item packed for the hospital and every detail worked out before she arrives. I don't necessarily want to be "ready". I am crazily *hoping* and looking forward to be taken by surprise. I'm sure this insanity stems from having had 4 previous inductions and knowing the birth date before the baby. But this little one is holding onto the "birthday controls" and i am at her mercy. I can bounce on my yoga ball and drink raspberry leaf tea all night, but she is the one who gets to say "go!" Makes me feel like i really have to concentrate hard. I want to notice the first contraction that signals the string of pains that will finally bring her out into the world. I don't feel the need to plan each day full of distractions. Instead i feel like there is only one thing to focus on. Eva. My baby girl is coming home to all of us. soon. So exciting to stalk a surprise.

The things we do for love...

Sadie was tired after our quick nacho/pizza dinner tonight so asked to snuggle on the bed with me. I packed scads of poofy pillows around my achingly huge and pregnant body on the bed and she gathered a little quilt to snuggle up under and we cuddled. Our foreheads touched, my arm was around her. Her eyes closed and i marveled at her tiny face and beautiful freckles. Then, without opening her eyes came her announcement "I don't like that chip smell in your breath. That smells bad."
"Oh! Sorry Sadie." I turned away.
"No!...no... It's okay, you can put your face there." (she covered her mouth) "I'll just barf in my mouth."

Job description clarification and blessed release

Curt and I went to the homeschool convention this past weekend. Together. Just the two of us. In Red Deer. Alone. I can't remember the last time it was just the two of us alone together but now that it's over I'm thinking that we were maybe missing out a little by not sneaking away every now and then to just have some extended uninterrupted conversation. There are so many things I want to blog about especially considering that so much time has passed since my last entry, but this is *one* of them.
Ephesians 2:10 (New International Version) says:
10For we are God's workmanship,
created in Christ Jesus to do good works,
which God prepared in advance for us to do.
I was sitting in a "Part Two" session at the homeschool convention when that verse was brought up by the speaker. When she read the verse I automatically thought of *myself* (as we all do i suppose when we hear that verse). God is talking to *me* in that verse. "I am God's workmanship...". The speaker went on to use the word "masterpiece" in the place of workmanship... and it was then that i realized that she was talking about our children being the workmanship and masterpiece of the Lord. How many years have I been a mother...and all this time I've been reading the Bible as if it is directly speaking to me... but not letting it sink in that it is also speaking individually of each of my children? It was then that my faulty thinking hit me dead center. I somehow had the idea that as God formed me and worked in me and changed me... I would work in/with my children. So wrong. My children are God's masterpiece. Not mine. At that moment, a memory from the past week came flooding back. I was driving with the kids from the pool, Darren was in the front seat and the Christian radio station was on. The chorus of a popular song was repeating. It referred to Christians as being the body of Christ. :
"If we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them
there is a way Jesus is the way."
Darren had looked at me and said "Mom! This song is so powerful!" He went on to explain the lyrics to me and what they meant to him. I was impressed that he would be able to grasp the concept and articulate his emotions so well.
When that memory came back to me, i realized that God was revealing ways in which He was working in Darren. Although i will play a role in my children's Christian maturity, God is also at work in each one of them. There will be conversations of which I won't be a part. Those conversations will be between God and my child...alone. These children are not mine... they're God's. They need to follow Him. Gratitude, relief, sorrow, a lifting of a burden i wasn't supposed to be carrying in the first place. It is a blessed release when you know He will continue to carry the burden. May God give me the grace I need through these pre-teen/teen years to give each of my children a blessed release into the care and keeping of a Heavenly Father who cares enough to remind me that we are working *together*.

Sadie's perfect explanation of the early pregnancy body:

Big smile on her face:
"Mom, you are pregnant...
but your baby isn't going to come out right away.
You're just fat.
(look of sympathy and a smile)
Right?"

The Musical

The only picture I have so far of the rehearsals... hopefully more to follow! This is the costume for "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy". See my "baby bump"? :) The belt gets shorter and the skirt tighter (unfortunately) the closer we get to performance dates.

The 3 little girls insisted on having a make-up/hair/dress-up day yesterday as i was doing the same getting ready to go to rehearsal. Wesley got the brunt of the lipstick abuse.

I've been involved in preparation for a musical dessert theatre production at our church for some months now and it's finally coming down to the wire! Three more weeks till opening night. The drama tells the story of a husband and wife who run a diner in Spruce Grove from the 40's till the present and how God uses their lives to affect the community around them even though they don't necessarily feel like they have "much to offer". I am part of a group of singers that herald each decade in with period music. It's going to be a blast.

Breakfast Baby Hide and Seek

Peek-a-Boo is so much more exciting when your brothers and sisters join in the fun. :)

The Great Outdoors

Maybe I haven't been outside for awhile. Yesterday, when I took Wesley outside for a romp in the snow the other kids spied me and started running at me and cheering. "MOM IS OUTSIIIIIDE!" They said it like it was some kind of impossible miracle and my mother-heart twinged with guilt (as it is prone to do). I used to *live* outside with the kids building forts, catching frogs, making bows and arrows. I would even take them skidooing. Over the years it seems like I've become a bigger and bigger wimp....and (shudder) indoorsy. In that moment of cheering and guilt, i decided that I was going tobogganing with them. "Let's go sledding guys!" They cheered....and I wondered if i would regret my bravado. I was wearing Darren's camouflage overalls and his extra pair of boots which were clunky and too big for me but I started inching my way down the icy hill to get the toboggan, Wesley balanced on my bulky hip. "Having fun" requires a lot more work than it used to. "Mom, we don't toboggan on this little hill. You gotta walk to the BIG hill with us. Dad scraped it out with the bobcat!" "Oh, okay." It was getting hot and i laid Wes on a sled and pulled him behind me. After a short walk to the back field filled with snow and horse manure, we found ourselves at the top of a HUGE hill. Curt had scraped away a sliding hill that was wide with ridges on either side and wild bumps to start it off. I got nervous. "It's okay mom. I'll give you a push to start you off." says Darren. I should have known better than to agree to a 12 year old boy "starting me off". Especially considering that I am pregnant and holding a one yr old on my lap. Darren obviously didn't think of those things. Wes and I got on. The sled threatened to slide out from beneath me and Darren firmly placed his hands on my back and RAN as fast as he could, pushing. I begged him to quit. "That's good enough DARREN!" He gave one last mighty heave and Wesley and I were racing and spinning on a blue plastic disk down the hill. I screamed. So did Wes. The kids cheered. It seemed like an absolute moment of insanity. Twirling Alberta skies and snow and mother and child hurtling through the wind. The ride went on for about a 1/4 mile before my dragging boots finally brought us to a stop. It was in that moment i decided "I've got to do this more often." My second run was solo and i went completely off course careening onto my back and soliciting howling encouragement from the kids. Sadie's contagious laugh is too good to miss. I've decided to get out more... even in this Alberta winter, even with little ones that need a 10 minute bundle job each. There is something like good medicine that can only be found in spending time in the great outdoors and I need me a little more of that.

Why it's easier to teach the 6th child to do chores...

Monkey See---Monkey wanna DO TOO!!!

What to Expect When You're Expecting After 35-part 2

Got my weekly update from BabyCenter.com. I usually really like their reminders and weekly updates: "You are 9 weeks pregnant today... click here for an update on your (baby's) growth." (They don't use the word "baby" though---delusional. :) ) I didn't have a "part 2" for my "What to Expect" entry when i wrote that it was "part one" but my sister told me to call it "part one" as there was so much more to say. There *is* a lot to say, and i realize that this is maybe a re-do of the last entry, but it was my second nudge from the "medical community" in my 9 weeks of pregnancy to "beware" and a veiled suggestion that I may want to re-think this pregnancy. This is what you should expect if you are 35 and pregnant: An e-mail that begins with:

"Your pregnancy calendar
1 January, 2010:

Older women are more likely to have babies with chromosomal disorders such as Down's syndrome. That's why, if you're over 35, you may be offered an amniocentesis to check you baby's genes."

The message went on to insist that I ask for the booking soon so that I didn't miss out on these important tests before it is too late....too late to kill my child? Hmmm, from what I've read, they will terminate right up to the end for mothers who are desperate for the "service". What has motherhood come to when "To kill or not to kill..." has become the question.

"Dangerous Place"
--by Julie Miller--
Little ones to him belong,
Little ones, where have you gone?
Was it a war that stilled your voice?
No, it was your mother's choice.
Where was the doctor's healing hand
when children died across the land?
Was it in search of saving life?
No, death came from his knife.
It's a dangerous, dangerous, dangerous place,
Dangerous, dangerous place to be these days.
Now five months early you survive,
but 'til you're born, well, you're not alive,
Convenience has a sacrifice,
and children are the price.
It's a dangerous, dangerous, dangerous place,
A mother's womb is a dangerous place to be these days.
Little ones to him belong,
You are weak,
and we were wrong,
Now we will never hear your voice,
and it was our own choice.
Jesus loves me,
this I know
for the Bible tells me so,
Little ones to him belong,
They are weak but He is strong.