5 days post partum

These 5 days are usually filled with what i call the "layers of pain"... one pain subsides only to introduce me to another one that had been waiting it's turn.
The lungs... not being able to fill all the way from the strenuous job of pushing.
The strange "emptiness" of a womb that had only days before been filled to capacity.
The afterpain contractions brought on by nursing, and the fullness that arrives around day 3 as colostrum eases out and milk enters with a bang.
The mystery of tears...also for me a phenomenon of "day 3".
The aching of muscles and bones as they learn to carry this new distribution of weight.
The incredible sensation of overheating and "sweating it out", (If i try to cool off i go into uncontrollable shivering that brings intense pins and needles and eventual itching in my palms and feet. I've decided to just ride the waves of heat.)
My aching heart for my husband to stay close-by.
...of course there are pains that will remain nameless...
Pregnancy and Birth have a way of stripping a woman down right to her core and starting her all over.
I am now a servant to this needy little one.
I am to
Bend...until I am laying dependant in the arms of my Heavenly Father.
and then
Break...so that my grip on my own selfishness is again retrained.
These 5 days have also included 2 of my other children becoming very ill with the flu, and 3 others suffering from hacking coughs and sore throats. Mom, if you read this... thanks for being here. You continue to bend and break to make room for my life as well. love you. -j

Eva's Birth

Well...I guess i blew it and opened the present before "Christmas" actually came. I went into my appointment on Tuesday and my Ob/Gyn checked to see if there was any progress. I was "less effaced" and "less dilated" than last week and baby Eva had dis-engaged from the pelvis. I said that i guessed i would see her again next week and she said no, that baby needed to come out this week as she was headed towards the 9 lber range and was still posterior (which had caused problems in my last 2 pregnancies.) She also figured that since i had passed my due date 20 days ago and the ultrasound due date now, that it was time to get things moving. I went home... had 2 days of turmoil and tears and decision/indecision. We called mom and dad in Victoria and told them that baby was going to be induced on Thursday so we needed them to come up right away to be here for Wednesday night. They drove all Wednesday, stopping in Hinton to visit my sister on the way and crawled into bed in the wee hours. I didn't even see them that night. The hospital called at 6:30 Thursday morning and told me to shower, eat breakfast and come in by 7:45 for an induction at 9am. It was surreal walking down those hallways again after less than 2 years. This pregnancy had taken us by surprise and now the imminent delivery of this new little life just seemed so hard to believe...ALREADY! It went so fast. We got settled in the labouring room, I was gowned up and set up with the baby monitor for an hour before they began the drip just to make sure that Eva was okay. At 9, the nurse started the oxytocin and asked me if i needed anything. I told her that i wanted to try labouring on the labouring ball and that i might want to try the bar as well as baby was posterior...and of course an unlimited supply of nitrous oxide. I was hoping that these would help with her position during the delivery. The nurse came in with a labour ball and i sat on it only to discover that my feet didn't touch the ground! She brought another one and wow! I wish i had've used one for all the other births. I walked the halls, but mostly rocked on the ball for pretty much the whole labour. Curt rubbed my back. A labouring first. But whenever the nurse would come in he would pretend he hadn't been doing anything. haa! At 11:15 my water broke (clear! yay!) and at 12:00 i had the first contraction that brought tears to my eyes. I don't know if other women are like me, but there is "fun labour" (in the beginning, when all it is is excitement and recognizable contractions) and then all of a sudden a contraction comes that means business and the reality of what is ahead suddenly sinks in... and for me, i tear up. I looked up at Curt. "I may need the laughing gas in a bit." I breathed through a few more contractions and then got Curt to hook up the gas for me.
MUCH better... and then it got worse... as labour is apt to do. When it became too much for me and i knew we were close, i told Curt he was going to have to help me up onto the bed. Somewhere between 1 and 1:30 i told him (not in full sentences of course) that unless he wanted to deliver baby on his own, he'd better call the nurse. I figured that Eva would be born by 2. Pushing began and my Dr. came in and realized that the front bag of waters had broken but that the head was blocking the waters from behind. She went in and broke them and there was meconium staining. The pediatrician had to be called in just in case Eva was in distress when she came out. Pushing only lasted about 30 mins. (A fantastic difference from Wes' 2 hours of pushing!) And Eva arrived. The cord was wrapped around her neck twice, but was quickly unwound and neither that, nor the meconium staining caused any problems for her. Those are the facts... there *are* details... and REALLY, the story is in the details, so here are some of them:

-The day before the induction i canned 7 jars of my 8 boxes of peaches. During my labour, my mom canned 35 quarts of peaches and used up every jar she could find in my house. I was shocked...and THANKFUL!!

-On the white-board by the front desk of labour and delivery, my request for "NO MALES" was written in bold black dry-erase marker. When the large, older, balding pediatrician was called into the room, i announced through puffs of my laughing gas "You'd better be one ugly WOMAN!" My OB just howled. The man averted his eyes for the whole time he was in the room. He rocked. Thank you strange man who attended my birth.

-During delivery, Curt usually stands by my HEAD, holds my hand (because i make him) and says little to nothing. This time, he bent down to my head and whispered encouragement...but when Eva came out he asked his usual question. "Is she dead?" A little picture of what he's been thinking. Poor Curt...I love him.

-After i deliver, i am always ravenously HUNGRY but this time i outdid myself. Here is what i ate: 7 pieces of buttered toast, One McChicken Meal from McDonalds, One full hospital meal... and then i writhed up to the desk and begged for a chaser of MALOX. Thank goodness for antacids after a ridiculous attack of the "hungries".

-Eva weighed 7 lbs 15 oz
-Eva has lots of dark hair,
long dainty, double-jointed fingers,
toes that make the "peace sign",
Curt's chin,
and everything else looks like Sadie. :)
-Eva's full name is Eva Found Sparrow Jespersen.
She is named after her great great grandmother (Margaret) Eva Found, and of course sparrow is for the bird...and a favourite song that reminds us that "His eye is on the sparrow, and i know He watches me."

Bai-Bow!! Bai-Bow!!

Last year i was feeling discouraged with myself. I've always wanted Bible reading and discussion to be an important part of our homeschool day. Year after year I've bought Bible curriculum and attempted to carry out my big fancy plans. We would read, memorize, do word studies and answer questions, finding locations on maps...The kids enjoyed it but we were taking a lot of time... and I worried about skimping out on other subjects. Slowly Bible would get pushed to the end of the day, tacked on as an afterthought. Finally, in frustration i begged Curt to take over and "do Bible study" with the kids. He agreed but warned me that he was going to do it HIS way. He would read only one chapter per night and i was not allowed to interrupt. (He knows me too well.)
It sounded simple enough...
for a normal person...
but i guess I'm not normal.
The first night, and every night, he read as if he were in a race... a monotone reading race. He did that every night. I would stop him and ask the kids questions, emphasizing the exciting parts that i felt they would miss with the way he was reading. He would patiently wait for me to shut up. He would stare at me and wait till i said "Kay, keep going." He stared a little longer at me and then would start again. I knew i was breaking our agreement.
He would mis-pronounce words. One night he was reading and when he got to a part where the cloud enVELoped the people, he read that it had ENveloped them. I swore he did it on purpose to test me. He smiled. "Ooops! haa haa! How do you like THAT one kids? It ENveloped them!"
When he got to a part that he deemed boring (the "begats") he would mumble "blah blah". (no explanation) When the story became inappropriate (when Potiphars wife begged Joseph to have sex with her.) His voice trailed off and he skipped ahead. (no explanation)... i bit my lip... but mostly i would interrupt...Trying to make sure the kids understood. He would stare and wait for me to tell him to continue. One day, i realized that we have been reading together consistently as a family for about a year...every night. We have blistered through books of the Bible together--one monotone chapter at a time. Curt in patience and obedience, me with my two bits thrown in every 5 seconds. I've never been that consistent. Neither has Curt. My view on Curt's methods drastically changed the other night. It was getting close to bedtime. Curt called for the kids to come downstairs and sit on the couch. He didn't say that we were going to read the Bible together. Then something happened. Something that made me cry. My almost 2 year old started hyperventilating and running for the fireplace where Curt's Bible sat waiting. And then he pounded it with his chubby little hands and started yelling BAI-BOW!! BAI-BOW!!
If a 1 and a half year old understands that Bible reading is something we do as a family, that it's an important part of our day together... what are the other kids learning? Since we started, I have learned to let little things go... and Curt doesn't mind my interruptions as much. He even stops and asks questions himself now. I'm learning that time spent in Bible reading and study does not have to be done "perfectly" but there *is* something magic that happens when we are consistent even with something little...and imperfect. Again, I'm learning that as we do our little part, God blesses by filling in the gaps with HIS part. Every aspect of our lives is lived in *partnership* with God. It's not all on our shoulders. His burden is light. A good lesson.

I waited.

From my original due date, i am now 18 days overdue. Obviously i was wrong. From the ultrasound due date, i am now officially 1 day overdue... which is really not overdue at all i guess. This is how it feels though.

-That Christmas has come and gone and i forgot to open the presents. (I like this thought though as it reminds me that there is still something good coming.)
-That maybe I'm not pregnant after all and i'm one of those women experiencing a "phantom pregnancy".
- That maybe she'll come *next* summer.
- That I should have done more "get ahead" schooling the end of last year if i had've known she would be this late.
- It feels like God is trying to teach me that i need to learn to relax in the thought that sometimes, HE is in control... and then relax a little more in the thought that ACTUALLY, He's in control ALL the time. ;)...God is prying my fingers one by one off of all the things in my life that i see as *mine*.
Time being one of them.
When i feel anger, He's teaching me peace.
When i feel lost, He's teaching me to hear his voice.
When i feel lonely, He's teaching me to recognize his touch.
When i feel let down, He's teaching me to depend on Him alone.
When i feel impatient, He's teaching me patience.
When i feel incompetent, He's teaching me to trust that He is fully able.
Lord, make this time of waiting on Eva a time of waiting on You....Help me to rest in You.

The odd couple.

I braved waddling into church this morning despite my large and in charge size and my personal "due date" issues. I survived. After that we went home to quickly change before heading over to my in-law's place for the 14 year tradition that is "Sunday dinner". I, being in the last few days of my glorious roundness of pregnancy...and also being comfortable with Curt's family, had "wisely" chosen baggy grey pajama pants and a tight motorcycle shirt that barely covered the last inch of my stretch-marked stomach. I slid my feet into my sandals and started going out the door. That's when Carrie announced. "There's company there mom." (My mother in law often invites friends and/or strangers for dinner.) "Who?"...i considered changing depending on the answer to that question. Curt interrupted with a smirk. "Never mind, we don't have time to change, let's go!" (He knew it was missionary friends we have known for years so was pretending to be brave.) I grabbed a blouse... yes, a see-through blouse with no sleeves and wore it OVER the too-short motorcycle shirt and pajama bottoms. Curt told me that it looked worse and smiled. He is enjoying my lack of dignity...and proper clothing. Him in his perfectly pressed dress shirt, new pants and fresh hair cut, and good looks. It's times like these that i am glad to remember that it was HIM who asked ME if i would PLEASE be his wife... makes *me* smile. SUCKER!!!

The baby

I know we've been calling Eva "the baby" for 9 months... but now that she is almost here... i look at Wes and think that maybe i "dethroned" him too soon. Curt has been getting up early with Wes for the past couple months so that I can get an extra half an hour of sleep but this morning was different. Curt had been out until almost 1 am picking up a friend of ours at the airport and was so tired. I rolled out of bed and bundled Wes into my arms, heading to the kitchen. He was cranky...and the house was full of sleeping people.
"Do you want toast?"
"no"
"yogurt?"
"no"
"Want to go in the hot tub?"
"no"
...and then i remembered the other day how Curt had taken him riding horse and Wes couldn't quit talking about "baby horse".
"Do you want to go quading out in the field to see the baby horse?"
"UP!!!! (yup) SHOES!! 'mon!! (come on!) 'mon!!" I downed the last of my breakfast and we headed out. The air was cool and the quad was covered in wet from the night so I wiped off the seat and plopped Wes in front of my solid baby belly and headed out. The fields looked empty. I guess even the animals wanted to sleep in this morning. We drove past the garden and the stallion's pen and Wes jabbered away, pointing at the sunflowers, and "Nitro". We pulled up to the shed and a handful of bunnies skittered underneath. (Curt released a few 3 years ago and they thrived....and multiplied). After opening and closing gates, we drove into the field. One goat sauntered out of the shed, then 3 pigs, then the dog. Wes was in his glory waking up the world. We drove around the west fence until suddenly Wes started pointing and hooting. "Horse! Horse!!" He had spotted the group of horses on the eastern fence line. We drove over there and they took off running. "Ohhhhhh! Fast Fast!" We spent the next 10 minutes just puttering around in the middle of the horses. Wes jabbered non-sensically when one horse nibbled on the fence and grass and made big chewing actions to mimic her. Then the baby horses tried nursing and he said "Awwwe! Baby." And then, of course, a horse having a bowel movement is a *thing to behold* for a child and the vocabulary words are, of course, the favourites: "POOOP!! BUM! BUM!" On our way back to the house, we saw the cat and her batch of kittens so had to stop for that too. "Down!" I let him down and turned off the quad. He marched right up to the mama cat, cupped her face in his tiny baby hands and kissed her full on the lips. (Do cats have lips?) She closed her eyes, stretched and strangely seemed to enjoy it. Then he picked up a kitten and asked "home?" No, we couldn't bring the kitten home. "Tay, Bye!" He put the kitten back with it's mother and marched back to the quad. His mood had improved greatly in the time we had been outside. So much about him is still so little, but i see shades of my big boy Darren... and big sweeping brush strokes in him resembling my husband. The baby is becoming a boy.

In the last days

I am overdue and underdue... and who knows what time I'm due. I DO know one thing though. The last days of a pregnancy are quite the emotional ride. Excited that we're so close, frustrated that nothing is happening, nervous as to how this homeschooling year will look and how I'll feel when we finally get going with it, afraid to fail, in love again deeper with my husband who absolutely relishes the HERO worship he gets from the kids in the last month of pregnancy as he helps make their days over the top fun just by BEING here and coming home early...and my kids who are so willing to help out and pray for their little sister who's arrival is so much the center of attention right now. I have been trying to get something done every day and find that if i lay down between tasks, the day is much less painful! :) I guess what i feel i need right now is a reminder of all the things that make being pregnant with Eva at this time (mid Aug) so beautiful. Summer can be hot...but the heat is outweighed by these:
Curt took kids fishing at Calling Lake.
I went raspberry picking with Wes and Sadie and then we made JAM. (YUM!!)
Curt and Darren cleaned and fried up the fish to the thrill of all the catchers.
Curt took kids quadding to the mountains.
Curt took kids floating down the Pembina river.
The kids play in the sprinkler and splash pool and have picnics on the lawn.
We have been picnicking on fresh peas and carrots from the garden daily.
Every day someone clips flowers from the field, bush or garden to have fresh ones in the house.
(Today, Carrie, Robin and I clipped a huge vase of sunflowers and sweet peas.)
Watermelon is in every grocery store.
Frogs are aplenty.
No one has to worry about homework, music lessons, baseball or other extra activities as they have all faded away for the rest of the summer.
I was allowed to turn the hot tub down to 99 degrees so that i could go in!!
Late night hot tubs with the kids...especially the older 2 who like to say things like "Start talking mom and we'll listen in on your conversation."
Sundresses.
No shoes.
Alberta thunderstorms in the evenings.
And most of all... little Eva won't have to be bundled up like a cotton ball when she comes home from the hospital. We will unfold her red, soft tiny body, inspect every tiny bit of her, inhale her apple-sweetness and enjoy her in the sunshine and fresh air. I can't wait!

Stalking a Surprise

Like a plump snail, recoiling into her shell, I'm feeling the need to hide away a little bit as i continue to wait for the arrival of this little one. *My* due dates have come and gone--I didn't really have much faith in them anyways with the ultrasound date being seventeen days later!--and yet there is no panic in the extra waiting. I keep putting off scheduling school for this fall and maybe that's whats keeping me calm. In the back of my mind there is a totally delusional thought that this baby is going to wait until i have every little job completed, every item packed for the hospital and every detail worked out before she arrives. I don't necessarily want to be "ready". I am crazily *hoping* and looking forward to be taken by surprise. I'm sure this insanity stems from having had 4 previous inductions and knowing the birth date before the baby. But this little one is holding onto the "birthday controls" and i am at her mercy. I can bounce on my yoga ball and drink raspberry leaf tea all night, but she is the one who gets to say "go!" Makes me feel like i really have to concentrate hard. I want to notice the first contraction that signals the string of pains that will finally bring her out into the world. I don't feel the need to plan each day full of distractions. Instead i feel like there is only one thing to focus on. Eva. My baby girl is coming home to all of us. soon. So exciting to stalk a surprise.