How's It Going?

We had gone up for prayer before we went to see Dr. B. to hear the diagnosis... not for healing so much as out of obedience. I believe God can heal, but before we had gone to church that night and all through that day the words from Daniel 3, "But even if He does not..." kept repeating themselves in my mind. I felt that, this time, we were headed towards a "fiery furnace". What i *didn't* imagine, was that we would also be spared from the flames so thoroughly as Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego had been. We are in the middle of the third week of chemotherapy induction, i do really feel like we are cheating death a little. Sadie has had very little in terms of side effects. Some weepy/clingy *moments* and needing to snuggle, some bone pain, and voracious cravings and weight gain... but something stands out on the chart i have been keeping. Every day we have been able to put down "active" and "happy". Most days, there is nothing out of the ordinary for Sadie and her attitude has remained so up-beat. I am thankful for every good day and cherishing them as i think of the angel who was seen in the fire with the boys in Daniel. How's it Going?....It's Good.

Sorrows divided on a Tuesday

Sadie had a hard night. I cuddled her into a morphine sleep and she woke up in pain at 3 am needing more. The nurse came and gave her what she needed and i cuddled back in with her until she nodded off again at 4... and then couldn't get back to sleep myself. I turned on my phone and sent a message to an old friend i recently re-discovered. Lisa wrote me back 7 minutes later...she has been down the cancer/chemo road many times and is in the middle of another fight. There is nothing like sharing pain with someone who has been where you are...and has travelled down the road where you are headed... who is up at 4 am because they are hurting too.

After a long day of pet/cat scans, hormone stimulation tests and meeting more specialists and nurses than I've ever met in my life, Dr. B decided that it would make sense to send us home for the night. Sadie's chemo wasn't going to be ready until 9pm tonight and then we would have to stay the night again and they needed our room for another family from Calgary. I was thrilled to go home... one more day to let the reality of the coming chemo sink in. One day with all of us back together under the same roof before this sharp turn.

Curt came and picked us up and drove us home. The kids ran out to meet us and Ellie wrapped herself around me in a bear hug. So happy to have us home. When we came in the door, Sadie's face lit up to see the huge banner Grampsie had made with her brothers and sisters "Welcome Home Sadie!!" And then we melted into the mundane. Games of crib, music, books, quading, feeding the goats, snuggling on the couch, and I snuck around stealing each one of the kids off to a little corner of the house for a "one on one." Darren wanted hugs and he wanted me to read his latest writing for school and help him with some music. Robin wanted to talk about what a great teacher gramps was. Ellie wanted to tell me how independent gramps was letting her be while working on her math. Wes wanted to cuddle and have books read to him. Eva wanted to nurse. My oldest daughter Carrie melted into tears on my bed. "Mom, she's all bent over when she walks... she's so little and in pain. I didn't think it would be this bad." We talked like friends... like equals... sharing pain. I thought of my newly "re-found" friend Lisa and explained the old quote to Carrie that says "Let it be that a joy shared is a joy multiplied and a sorrow shared is a sorrow divided." Thankful for family and friends who have chosen to divide this sorrow amongst them and bear this burden with us. Thankful for Lisa who lets us divide her sorrows... Thankful for sorrows divided on a Tuesday.

Lies on a Monday

"For my sighing comes before I eat, And my groanings pour out like water. For the thing I greatly feared has come upon me. And what I dreaded has happened to me. I am not at ease, nor am i quiet. I have no rest for trouble comes." Job 3: 24-26

Last night we had a home bible study kick off which had been planned for months. I was honestly really wanting to hide in the bedroom but it ended up being a good, upbeat night with less worries than I would have had if I had locked myself in my room. Guess who showed up? The nurse from our church who had greeted us at the pediatric oncology clinic! Also, when I went to superstore earlier that day, I turned around just in time to see Sadie's oncology case worker round the corner by the health food section. Interesting coincidences...
This morning, we rolled our little suitcase into the pediatric oncology ward and there was "Rae-lee", the nurse who forever will be the image of God's wink, waiting to greet us. My heart was churning like my stomach but I cheerily pointed out Rae-lee to Sadie as I squeezed her tiny hand 3 times. (3 hand squeezes means "I love you" in our family). I chatted up Sadie and the nurses and laughed about farm animals and which of our animals was the ugliest while they took her blood... And my head spun and heart ached. My outward attitude and my inward emotion did not match... All lies I became worried they were going to cancel surgery because of her cold and I was also scared they would go ahead with The surgery....I didn't mind the 2 1/2 hour wait until she went in. I wanted time to stand still... Another little girl invited her to watch her get her chemo and i wanted to bawl. I talked like an excited kindergarten teacher... More lies. Time was not going to stand still...Her name was called and I happily took sadies hand and talked to her as if we were going to grandmas house. Oh what lies. I couldnt see her doubt but I could feel it. I changed her into her gown and she clung to me. "I need ALL your snuggles Mommy!". (finally some truth). "I need all your snuggles too Sadie!". We clung to each other up to the operating room. When we went in all I saw was "operating room equipment" and fear filled me. They asked Sadie to get on my lap and I held her tiny form as the drugs took her away in less time than I could name all of her brothers and sisters who would visit her later. They took her from my arms and the "show" was over. I disintegrated into tears and sofly begged the surgeon to be gentle...adding. "I know you will...". Curt texted me and when we saw each other across the cafeteria I lost it again. He handed Eva to me and I buried my tears in her baby neck with kisses. When he left, I hid in the darkened toy room of the day ward. Another mama found me there, turned on the lights and brought her daughter Desiree in to talk to me. "You're new aren't you?". We shared stories and drug facts and time-lines and her daughter who is a dancer, showed me her foot where the tumor had been removed and talked about
Why she chose to keep the hair that didn't fall out (tiny long strands) braided in a dainty braid down her back and why she chose the port she did. So mature for 10. Sadie came to me wheeled on a bed, teary and tired and sore. Today was not the fun one on one date we pretended it to be... But she knew it all along. Last week it was all about truth. What would happen today, how it would feel, how it would look... (you tube was a treasure trove for prep)... But today was a day of lies... Sweet little lies. I love you baby. You did so well living in the land of let's pretend today. But now the truth; today wasn't a fun one on one date with mom.

Today was the day you got your "port"... Today hurt... In every way. Today we clung to each other because we were both afraid. Keep clinging baby. There will be more days of pretending...