mellowing

13 months after our marriage:

When we brought our first child home from the hospital we were hypnotized. We couldn't sleep for staring at him in the bed between us. I remember both being propped up on one elbow in bed with little Darren sleeping in between us. I looked over at Curt staring at Darren and thought. "This little life is here because of our love for each other!" It was an overwhelming thought. When Darren would cry in the night, we would both get up to watch him nurse and have a change of pants, watch him being burped, watch him watch him watch him... and slowly Curt faded off to sleep. There was nothing *he* could do anyways. He had to get up at 5 am for work. Curt was a light sleeper and the lights being turned on, the crying and the bed jostling as I got in and out was annoying to him. On nights that Darren's colic was on 'high' he would scream for 4 hours at a time. There was no place to go in the tiny farm house we were living in and our attic bedroom was open to every sound. I tried to soothe Darren, I took him to the living room to watch the dark winter night continue on without me, all the while, jiggling Darren, singing, rocking, pacing, patting, massaging his tummy. A few nights Curt dragged his weary old self and walked out the door the 50 paces to his mother's house and slept in the basement. It was impossible for me to not take that personally. It made me feel deserted in those bleary-eyed first months of motherhood.

12 years later...

The other night Wes, our sixth child, now two months old ended a fitful night of sleep. He has been snorkely with a cold lately and it was as if a litter of snorting, slurping, spluttering piglets were writhing in the bed between me and Curt. I got his nose cleaned out as he howled. Finally he latched on and his eyes rolled back in his head as he settled in for another little stretch of milk induced sleep. Through it all, Curt laid there like a rock. No complaints, no movement, determinedly "sleeping". It was as if he were in a locked vault. I had to burst out laughing. If he wanted to sneak over to his mom's nowadays i couldn't care less. My how times have changed. I love the mellowing that the years have produced in both of us...i hope we just keep getting softer in all things. Life and marriage is hard enough... I'm so happy for tenderness to begin spreading it's tendrils all around.