5 days post partum

These 5 days are usually filled with what i call the "layers of pain"... one pain subsides only to introduce me to another one that had been waiting it's turn.
The lungs... not being able to fill all the way from the strenuous job of pushing.
The strange "emptiness" of a womb that had only days before been filled to capacity.
The afterpain contractions brought on by nursing, and the fullness that arrives around day 3 as colostrum eases out and milk enters with a bang.
The mystery of tears...also for me a phenomenon of "day 3".
The aching of muscles and bones as they learn to carry this new distribution of weight.
The incredible sensation of overheating and "sweating it out", (If i try to cool off i go into uncontrollable shivering that brings intense pins and needles and eventual itching in my palms and feet. I've decided to just ride the waves of heat.)
My aching heart for my husband to stay close-by.
...of course there are pains that will remain nameless...
Pregnancy and Birth have a way of stripping a woman down right to her core and starting her all over.
I am now a servant to this needy little one.
I am to
Bend...until I am laying dependant in the arms of my Heavenly Father.
and then
Break...so that my grip on my own selfishness is again retrained.
These 5 days have also included 2 of my other children becoming very ill with the flu, and 3 others suffering from hacking coughs and sore throats. Mom, if you read this... thanks for being here. You continue to bend and break to make room for my life as well. love you. -j

I waited.

From my original due date, i am now 18 days overdue. Obviously i was wrong. From the ultrasound due date, i am now officially 1 day overdue... which is really not overdue at all i guess. This is how it feels though.

-That Christmas has come and gone and i forgot to open the presents. (I like this thought though as it reminds me that there is still something good coming.)
-That maybe I'm not pregnant after all and i'm one of those women experiencing a "phantom pregnancy".
- That maybe she'll come *next* summer.
- That I should have done more "get ahead" schooling the end of last year if i had've known she would be this late.
- It feels like God is trying to teach me that i need to learn to relax in the thought that sometimes, HE is in control... and then relax a little more in the thought that ACTUALLY, He's in control ALL the time. ;)...God is prying my fingers one by one off of all the things in my life that i see as *mine*.
Time being one of them.
When i feel anger, He's teaching me peace.
When i feel lost, He's teaching me to hear his voice.
When i feel lonely, He's teaching me to recognize his touch.
When i feel let down, He's teaching me to depend on Him alone.
When i feel impatient, He's teaching me patience.
When i feel incompetent, He's teaching me to trust that He is fully able.
Lord, make this time of waiting on Eva a time of waiting on You....Help me to rest in You.

The odd couple.

I braved waddling into church this morning despite my large and in charge size and my personal "due date" issues. I survived. After that we went home to quickly change before heading over to my in-law's place for the 14 year tradition that is "Sunday dinner". I, being in the last few days of my glorious roundness of pregnancy...and also being comfortable with Curt's family, had "wisely" chosen baggy grey pajama pants and a tight motorcycle shirt that barely covered the last inch of my stretch-marked stomach. I slid my feet into my sandals and started going out the door. That's when Carrie announced. "There's company there mom." (My mother in law often invites friends and/or strangers for dinner.) "Who?"...i considered changing depending on the answer to that question. Curt interrupted with a smirk. "Never mind, we don't have time to change, let's go!" (He knew it was missionary friends we have known for years so was pretending to be brave.) I grabbed a blouse... yes, a see-through blouse with no sleeves and wore it OVER the too-short motorcycle shirt and pajama bottoms. Curt told me that it looked worse and smiled. He is enjoying my lack of dignity...and proper clothing. Him in his perfectly pressed dress shirt, new pants and fresh hair cut, and good looks. It's times like these that i am glad to remember that it was HIM who asked ME if i would PLEASE be his wife... makes *me* smile. SUCKER!!!

In the last days

I am overdue and underdue... and who knows what time I'm due. I DO know one thing though. The last days of a pregnancy are quite the emotional ride. Excited that we're so close, frustrated that nothing is happening, nervous as to how this homeschooling year will look and how I'll feel when we finally get going with it, afraid to fail, in love again deeper with my husband who absolutely relishes the HERO worship he gets from the kids in the last month of pregnancy as he helps make their days over the top fun just by BEING here and coming home early...and my kids who are so willing to help out and pray for their little sister who's arrival is so much the center of attention right now. I have been trying to get something done every day and find that if i lay down between tasks, the day is much less painful! :) I guess what i feel i need right now is a reminder of all the things that make being pregnant with Eva at this time (mid Aug) so beautiful. Summer can be hot...but the heat is outweighed by these:
Curt took kids fishing at Calling Lake.
I went raspberry picking with Wes and Sadie and then we made JAM. (YUM!!)
Curt and Darren cleaned and fried up the fish to the thrill of all the catchers.
Curt took kids quadding to the mountains.
Curt took kids floating down the Pembina river.
The kids play in the sprinkler and splash pool and have picnics on the lawn.
We have been picnicking on fresh peas and carrots from the garden daily.
Every day someone clips flowers from the field, bush or garden to have fresh ones in the house.
(Today, Carrie, Robin and I clipped a huge vase of sunflowers and sweet peas.)
Watermelon is in every grocery store.
Frogs are aplenty.
No one has to worry about homework, music lessons, baseball or other extra activities as they have all faded away for the rest of the summer.
I was allowed to turn the hot tub down to 99 degrees so that i could go in!!
Late night hot tubs with the kids...especially the older 2 who like to say things like "Start talking mom and we'll listen in on your conversation."
Sundresses.
No shoes.
Alberta thunderstorms in the evenings.
And most of all... little Eva won't have to be bundled up like a cotton ball when she comes home from the hospital. We will unfold her red, soft tiny body, inspect every tiny bit of her, inhale her apple-sweetness and enjoy her in the sunshine and fresh air. I can't wait!

Stalking a Surprise

Like a plump snail, recoiling into her shell, I'm feeling the need to hide away a little bit as i continue to wait for the arrival of this little one. *My* due dates have come and gone--I didn't really have much faith in them anyways with the ultrasound date being seventeen days later!--and yet there is no panic in the extra waiting. I keep putting off scheduling school for this fall and maybe that's whats keeping me calm. In the back of my mind there is a totally delusional thought that this baby is going to wait until i have every little job completed, every item packed for the hospital and every detail worked out before she arrives. I don't necessarily want to be "ready". I am crazily *hoping* and looking forward to be taken by surprise. I'm sure this insanity stems from having had 4 previous inductions and knowing the birth date before the baby. But this little one is holding onto the "birthday controls" and i am at her mercy. I can bounce on my yoga ball and drink raspberry leaf tea all night, but she is the one who gets to say "go!" Makes me feel like i really have to concentrate hard. I want to notice the first contraction that signals the string of pains that will finally bring her out into the world. I don't feel the need to plan each day full of distractions. Instead i feel like there is only one thing to focus on. Eva. My baby girl is coming home to all of us. soon. So exciting to stalk a surprise.

Just for the record

This pregnancy has been different in so many ways. The baby was so "quiet" until this last month where she seems to want to stretch and roll constantly. No major Braxton Hicks. No minor or major catastrophies. Healthier cravings: watermelon, grapefruit, garden carrots and peas. Then this past week hit me. I got sick and just laid on the bed, couch, cot for 5 days straight. Finally starting to come around and have been reminded again how thankful i am for a husband who replaced the broken dishwasher and kids who help out when i am down. I went for my prenatal visit yesterday and my doctor had photocopied my birth records for me. My sister in law had asked the other day how much i gained with each preg and how much the babies all weighed at birth. I thought it might be fun to get the medical records. I was looking through them last night and was surprised to see that included with the "prenatal record" was a "discharge summary" dictated by whatever intern attended each birth at the hospital. While reading Sadie's i was struck funny with the wording of some of the "intrapartum events". "...With a great deal of encouragement she was able to push this rather large female infant weighing 9 pounds 5 ounces." The personal detail of "with a great deal of encouragement" coupled with the completely impersonal "rather large female infant" did me in. Poor little Sadie, like Wes was a 9 lb er with shoulder dystocia. Then i checked my weight gain and realized that i weigh MORE than i did with either Wes or Sadie...I'm sure hoping that doesn't mean a 9 lb er. I think this is the only time in my life that i am hoping that any extra weight I've gained has gone straight to my thighs!

Sadie's perfect explanation of the early pregnancy body:

Big smile on her face:
"Mom, you are pregnant...
but your baby isn't going to come out right away.
You're just fat.
(look of sympathy and a smile)
Right?"

bathing suit pep talk from a seasoned husband...

We're planning a family holiday and I had to buy a bathing suit that's suitable for wearing in public. I had worn out the bottom in the last good suit i had. Plus, i needed one that will work for maternity that's fairly "decent". We hit the mall and I found a few suits in one of the shops and started trying them on. Curt kept giving the sales lady really weird "old lady" suits to pass on to me in the change room as a joke. (She thought he was serious.) I forced him to come in the change room with me to check out one of the suits. He took one look at the suit i had on. It fit strangely over my pregnanty belly and rapidly vanishing waist-line. At this stage of a pregnancy and after 6 pregnancies I "show" right away. But mostly that "show" is really my body knowing what to do hormonally and just going with the flow. It's not a tight little belly full of baby. It's a body that knows the routine. :) Anyways, Curt took one look at me and said something i didn't think i would ever hear my husband say: "Don't worry, it will look better when you get a little bigger."

What to Expect When You're Expecting After 35-part 2

Got my weekly update from BabyCenter.com. I usually really like their reminders and weekly updates: "You are 9 weeks pregnant today... click here for an update on your (baby's) growth." (They don't use the word "baby" though---delusional. :) ) I didn't have a "part 2" for my "What to Expect" entry when i wrote that it was "part one" but my sister told me to call it "part one" as there was so much more to say. There *is* a lot to say, and i realize that this is maybe a re-do of the last entry, but it was my second nudge from the "medical community" in my 9 weeks of pregnancy to "beware" and a veiled suggestion that I may want to re-think this pregnancy. This is what you should expect if you are 35 and pregnant: An e-mail that begins with:

"Your pregnancy calendar
1 January, 2010:

Older women are more likely to have babies with chromosomal disorders such as Down's syndrome. That's why, if you're over 35, you may be offered an amniocentesis to check you baby's genes."

The message went on to insist that I ask for the booking soon so that I didn't miss out on these important tests before it is too late....too late to kill my child? Hmmm, from what I've read, they will terminate right up to the end for mothers who are desperate for the "service". What has motherhood come to when "To kill or not to kill..." has become the question.

"Dangerous Place"
--by Julie Miller--
Little ones to him belong,
Little ones, where have you gone?
Was it a war that stilled your voice?
No, it was your mother's choice.
Where was the doctor's healing hand
when children died across the land?
Was it in search of saving life?
No, death came from his knife.
It's a dangerous, dangerous, dangerous place,
Dangerous, dangerous place to be these days.
Now five months early you survive,
but 'til you're born, well, you're not alive,
Convenience has a sacrifice,
and children are the price.
It's a dangerous, dangerous, dangerous place,
A mother's womb is a dangerous place to be these days.
Little ones to him belong,
You are weak,
and we were wrong,
Now we will never hear your voice,
and it was our own choice.
Jesus loves me,
this I know
for the Bible tells me so,
Little ones to him belong,
They are weak but He is strong.

Midwife wait-list

As soon as we found out we were pregnant, i knew i wanted to talk to Curt *again* about using a midwife at our small town hospital. (Curt is not too warm to the idea.) After my last experience at the big city teaching hospital though, I have a stronger case. My stay included a room FULL of freshly delivered babies and moms. Most of them were c-sections. I know this because of the nurses that came in frequently to turn on the lights, wake everyone up and ask personal questions through the curtains. One woman had twins. Every other woman had visitors. The visitors stayed till 1 in the morning. At one point, deep in sleep, a dinner tray was pushed out of the way, (I'm guessing to make room for more company) through my curtain and right into my head as i lay sleeping with my new baby. The lady across the curtain from me also had her company lean against my bed as i tried to sleep, bonking and jostling the bed till the wee hours of the night talking about their baby's private parts and making jokes about their sex lives. When i tried to use the washroom i had to push through men and women who were crammed in the doorway to visit the woman with twins.... i held my frail nightie together at the back and shuffled my way to the washroom, hoping Wes would be okay for a minute alone behind our curtain. When i finally couldn't take the noise anymore, i gathered Wes and tried to make it to the nurses station to phone Curt. I opened my curtain and took a step. Just then a newly minted "Grandma" who was celebrating loudly with the rest of the extended family backed into me wildly while trying to get a picture. I clutched Wes tight and tried to get my balance. The nurse came in just then and scolded me for walking around with my baby. I put him in the bassinet and wheeled him to the front desk. By then i was so close to tears i had to whisper to the ladies behind the desk. "Could I use your phone for a minute?" I dialed Curt's cell and when he answered, i could hear my kids in the background. Hot tears streamed now.
"Can you come and get me? I gotta get out of here. I'm so tired. Please, come get me."
Curt was relaxed. "I thought you'd be sleeping. It's only 7:30. Can you wait a couple hours?"
"no...i can't"
"Well, i've got to run into work and then I'll come and get you." I hung up the phone and one of the nurses said "Sorry"... and meant it. Another more ignorant one said sarcastically, "You think it's more peaceful at home with your six kids than here?!" She had no idea how incredible my kids are. Home is my peaceful place. I have to admit... i let myself hate that nurse a little bit.
My heart sank and I pushed Wes back to my room. I could feel eyes on me as I came back into the room tears streaming down my cheeks. I crawled back into bed with Wes and had a good cry into his hot soft little neck behind my curtain. Finally Curt came. I have never been so happy to see him. I can't explain how angry i was then when we went to leave and the nurses tried to tell me that the baby wasn't fitted tight enough into the carseat so we "couldn't leave yet" The carseat was the kind that a person has to remove the child, flip the carseat over, remove metal posts from the back of, remove straps, replace straps, replace posts, flip carseat over, replace baby in order to "tighten". I couldn't look them in the eye as i performed this task and they argued that i "should" be able to just pull a strap to tighten. (I threw that carseat out as soon as Wes was done with it.) ......Needless to say, i am looking to find a more quiet and peaceful delivery and recovery option than I was offered this last time. The problem is, so are a lot of other women. Since the government started funding midwives this year, demand has gone through the roof. I am presently on 3 wait-lists... and I *just* found out I am pregnant. Some, when i called, told me that they were booked until the end of September! That would have been impossible because no one would have even known they were pregnant yet if their due dates were in September. Not sure how all of this works, but if you ask me.... pregnant women need more options than what is presently available when it comes to the safe, peaceful delivery of their babies. I know that some women get angry at the mention of a midwife. I'm not sure why. There have to be more options. A "birthing center" as well makes far more sense to me than sending a vulnerable mother and child into the vortex of H1N1 hospitals writhing with sick people. That doesn't add up for me either. I hope my children have better options when their time comes. In the meantime... I'm waiting for my "in demand" midwife and a small town hospital birth.

Normal

Writing back and forth with a friend this week got me thinking about "normal" days again. Since Wesley's birth, there have been long hours of cuddling and also of a quiet house. Every time there is a new baby, my husband becomes like the pied piper at the end of the fairytale who leads all of the children out of the town with his whistle, only he leads them out the door and to the barn or bush and here i sit alone. One morning he took Darren and Carrie hunting for deer in tree stands in the freezing morning air... for 3 hours straight! ( No deer) At the moment, i have 2 sleeping little ones tucked into their beds at home and he has 4 active ones all watching the horses' feet being done at Papa's barn. At first it's bliss and babe and I sleep in oblivious tandem healing...and then it gets lonely. I ache for the attention of my husband and to be surrounded by my children. I love the action and interaction of this 'big family'. It's peaceful chaos to me. A little while after Wesley was born, i bent over to pick laundry off of the bathroom floor. Sadie looked at me with amazement. "MOM! you can bend over!!" To her it was like a miraculous healing had taken place. Some days it just feels like "Normal" is trying to squeeze his ol' head in through the door again and I'm ready.--j

Beautiful Bonds

Lately I never know what the day will hold regardless of my plans. Yesterday i had planned to take all the kids in to Wesley's 2 week check-up. I got Darren to run out and start the vehicle and blast the heat as i packed Wesley in his carrier. The others loaded on their boots and coats and buckled in. We drove down the lane, Darren jumping out as we went to unlock the gates that keep the horses in. When Darren finished locking the last gate, he ran up to my window and yelled that the back tire was flat to the ground. I looked back and sure enough. On a good day i wouldn't have minded walking back with the 6 kids but in my still physically fragile state, the km or so walk back to the house through the horse pasture with freezing wind that knocked me over while carrying the baby and consolling the little ones, wind burning my throbbing eardrums... no thanks. I love my cell phone. I called my husband and asked him if i could drive back up the lane. No. He would come and get me. While I waited the 5-10 minutes (thank goodness) that it took him to drive home from work, I called the Dr. and re-scheduled the appt. and of course Wesley filled his pants. It seems as though every baby knows exactly which situation would be fun to punctuate with an explosion of the pants. It is days like that that make me feel like I will never be independent again. I will never be able to leave the house. I am tethered. (Ah but what beautiful bonds!!) My little Ellie looked at me with sympathy as i changed Wes in the front seat and commented, "You look like you're going to cry mom." Ha haa! I probably wasn't too far from the waterworks but didn't let the dam break. The rest of the day was rearranged to make room for my disastrous morning and the day ended as my sleepless night began. A HUNGRY little dictator begging for cream every hour. Later, at his appointment, we discovered that he has gone from his birth weight of 8lbs 15oz all the way to a whopping 10lbs 3 oz! Goodness! I haven't even written down his birth story and he's barely a newborn anymore! Time hasn't stood still for me to get used to this new phase. It is wildly marching on to the next moment, day, week... and month even. These bonds that hold me...these children do not slow time down, even though time seems to stop when I'm blindsided by the physicality of birth... in fact time seems to have sped up as these little ones have entered our lives... These little ones are part of the miracle that weaves us tightly together as we are hurtled through these years. Today as i stared at Robin rocking Wes...then later as the girls sang to him in the swing with synchronized actions, then as i talked with Ellie and folded laundry on the floor of my room and she snuggled her sleeping brother I just wanted to stop time. To hold that memory. The lack of sleep and the resulting fuzzy brain makes it almost impossible to remember 5 minutes from when it happened, let alone "forever"! For the moment, i'm going to rest in the knowledge that "Our times are in His hand". Years from now, when the brain in REALLY frazzled, i hope that He'll remind me of all the joys of the years I've spent living this life I've chosen and He's blessed. ...now what was i talking about? I have to read this over for the 400th time so I can gather my thoughts... time to quit.--j

wrinkle in time

Funny how only a few weeks ago every second was recorded, and painstakingly lived out as i awaited the arrival of this little one. I could tell you the day/month/ year/ time... what was going to happen that week and what had happened the week before. Suddenly... and I know the exact date that this changed...November 13th 2008 struck me down and all is forgotten. It's as though the black curtain has come down on the stage of life, all the props and other actors have sunken into complete darkness...there is no audience... and all that is left is a spotlight on me and this little one in an empty auditorium. My sister Paige wrote me an e-mail saying how it was so amazing counting up from 'one' again... day one of his life, day 2....etc. To be honest, I have forgotten how to count. All the things i hoped to write have gone unwritten as my brain takes time to sort out all the emotions and events during and since the birth of my son. I couldn't tell you how many days have passed since he was born without counting it up... and asking someone what day we're on today. The hours melt by and it's as though i've found my own wrinkle in time. Pajamas have no specific time of day in which to make their entrance or exit from the stage, sleep is a thing that is snatched in whatever hour is available, and the darkness of night invites repeated communion with this little one. We are sorrowing together, healing together, needing each other in this wrinkle in time we have found. Really, it is a miracle that life could move so slowly and peaceably with all the family, friends, children and schedules that bless and rule our everyday. I believe that it is *because* of these people though and not *despite* them that I am finding time. My mother came, giving me 2 weeks of complete surrender to the lives in this home, my husband continued with the routine with not a word of complaint, my children offer to help with whatever small chore is available to them, friends and family brought over baking, flowers, clothing for the baby, my sisters calling, e-mailing, visiting, telling me my child is beautiful and loved. From the birth I have said that I felt as though I had "come undone"... but these little stars of grace and mercy and kindness....so much more than i deserve.

All we carry and Who carries us.

*tears*-not too useful but ever ready since yesterday. The Dr. was so sure of the Ultrasound date of the 4th. I shouldn't have, but got my hopes up. Now a week later, as my own calculated due date has come and gone, the hormones have shifted into tear-gear. I'm hoping that this is a complete chemical shift that will translate into labour pains but my brain ridiculously keeps telling me that the baby has changed his mind and decided not to come after all. Completely illogical. I'm so thankful for my mother who is attacking project after project with the kids as I have suddenly gone from "Confident Wonder Woman" to "Pyjama/Sniffle Wimp Girl." I think the worst part about this snippet at the end of the pregnancy is not so much the desperation of the wait but the sudden knowledge that any pain and loss of control I feel at this moment is going to get a lot worse before it gets any better. From this point on, i will take a huge headlong dive into physical agony, hormonal collapse and limping neediness while at the same time, the lives around me will continue to need/want me as much as before. Incredible awe has descended yet again for my mother...my grandmother...my sisters...my friends who have travelled down this road before me, alongside me... and will travel after me....Oh goodness... I have 4 daughters! :) Thank you God for this incredible gift of carrying these little ones of yours. What a blinding treasure. What an amazing thought. Help me to be reminded daily that your own Son Jesus carried and carries all my sorrow, all my burden. He understands what it is to be aching and waiting for the ones He loves. Help me to be quick to return to Him. Help me not to keep Him waiting.

Well, the Jespersen Christmas parties have begun as of tonight! November 8th. :) I was so sure that this little one would be in my arms by now but he has decided to stay warm inside and so here i remain. Waiting. The kids have been having fun with Grannie. She ran a watercolor class for the lot of them the first day she was here which was a huge hit. Yesterday she and I went to my Dr's appt with Ellie and Robin and then took to Ikea to get some Christmas shopping done. I'm sure there won't be much time after the baby comes so I'm feeling very thankful for the little bit I did get done. Curt took Darren to work with him and Grandma Shirley kept Carrie and Sadie.
Curt's cousin Jeff and his wife Jess Jespersen just got back from Australia so stopped by for a visit last night bearing gifts. :) The kids all got Aboriginal artifacts to paint so that will be another project to conquer during this last little wait for Hauk to appear. Darren was so excited to try out his boomerang that he headed out into the pitch blackness of the frosty prairie night and chucked it as far as he could. Not sure what he was thinking... if it came back he wouldn't see it till it hit him in the head and as soon as he let go of it, the darkness swallowed it up so he came back into the house empty handed. I didn't find out why he had looked so sheepish coming in last night till this morning when Carrie told me what he had done. Needless to say, there is a small search party happening as i type. Hopefully he'll be able to find it. Ah! It sounds like the little search party has come in the door with the lost treasure! This bleak prairie landscape makes the arrival of this little one seem like such a miracle. In the midst of all the naked trees, stripped, brown alfalfa and wilting green grass frozen with frost, a new little life will burst into the gloom and transform this November into a new focus. Like finding my own little treasure too. Can't wait till I can come bursting through the door with my precious little jewel.

"Are we there yet??"

We've all driven in cars on long trips and asked the driver the two most important questions on a journey: "Are we there yet?" "How much longer?" Today, I'm feeling like the driver of the car on this journey of pregnancy. We're not there yet... and I don't know how much longer! :) The problem is that I don't have a very good answer to the question "When are you due?" Some people said i was due today, some said i would be due on the 10th. The "books" say i could have had the baby 2 weeks ago and that i may go a full 2 weeks after the latest date. Suddenly I feel like i've joined the ranks of my physician. (I'll explain...) I have often thought the past 9 months that her job was much like a psychics. I explained it in an e-mail to my family this way: "I have a Dr. appt in the evening.... It's like visiting a psychic that tells you nothing except what you can figure out on your own...."You have gained more weight... you are uncomfortable..... but the baby should come within the month!!!...come again in a week and I will tell you MOOOOOOORE!!!"... My dad called the other night to see if the baby had come. At least you can answer that kind of a question. No. But as if i wouldn't call him up the minute this little one did arrive. This excitement makes me dizzy. The kids keep putting their mouths up to my stomach and telling "Haukie" to come out. My husband keeps asking me if I'm feeling any contractions, my mom is desperate not to miss the event. She's flying in tomorrow night late. Meanwhile, i feel like I'm preparing the longest turkey dinner for the largest crowd and that the guests are all starving but the turkey isn't ready. Or that I'm going to put on a huge performance and the theater has been full for weeks but I'm not prepared to take the stage..... yet! Today, the stress of the question "Are we there yet" was dissolved in a sudden thought.... People care... people are looking forward to meeting this little one just as much as I am! I have family that loves him already, friends that are interested in the agony of this wait, relatives that are cheering for our family from the sidelines. Friends, Family, Relatives, these are such blessings. They really do "multiply the joy and divide the sorrow." What a blessing to be not driving along this road alone, with no one in the car to ask how the journey is going. God is good.

Waiting...

Why is it that when I get to the end of the pregnancy, I feel like i shouldn't leave the house? There is a nagging thought... company is coming! I have to BE here! I have to be ready! What if this company shows up and I'm not here? Such strange thoughts when this little one has been living inside me for 40 weeks now. Really, he's been with me all that time! He won't be like normal company though!! He'll come naked, unprepared, needy, in need of a wash. He'll be blinking like a deer in the bright hospital light, shocked by his new reality. There are different ways people seem to "nest" as they wait for baby. Some bake, some clean, some buy... some do all of the above...one mother i know confessed that her obsession over having her legs shaved for the birth was a huge worry! Now that's prepared! :) For all my preparedness, he won't be needing my 50 cups of pulverized tomatoes, lasagnas, pies, buns, casseroles, clean house and updated home school. I've seen the baby shows where the parents go all out and buy thousands of dollars worth of furniture, clothes, things for the babies' arrival. When they finally bring the baby home they "show" the baby all these things proclaiming "Seeee? We did all this for YOU!" The camera focuses on a squashed, blushing little face fast asleep in the car seat, oblivious to his surroundings. Not much of this nesting will do us too much good though besides letting us feel like we are doing something. This little man will not quietly go to his room with the guest towels and sleep through the night! Nor will he care about the decor/toys of his new room. All he needs, all he wants will be found in the people that live in this home...this family. This little bundle of humanity will arrive, change us forever, and suddenly peel another layer of selfishness off of all of us. How does one prepare for sleep deprivation, pain, company showing up when all the afore-mentioned foods did not make it out of the freezer for dinner, the pyjamas did not come off all day, and you are on the verge of tears from baby blues. You can't "nest" for that. No matter what i do to 'prepare' for this little one, I know i'll not be ready. This little one will surprise us, break us again and challenge me *again* to be a good mother. How can you prepare to be changed again forever? There is no turning back. This birth represents another commitment to my husband. Another commitment to this family. Another sacred commitment to God to bring this child up to know, love and serve his Heavenly Father. When it all is stripped away, when the food is all eaten, the house is all messy again, the furniture is scribbled on, the toys are sent to Goodwill, the clothes are all outgrown, the only preparation that will last is preparing my heart to recognize that this little one isn't just my own. He belongs to God. Am i prepared to lead him into the loving arms of his Heavenly Father? Jesus, help me to be the mother You see in me. Give me the tools I need to do the job you have blessed me with. Thank you for this new life. I place him, with the rest of my children, my husband and the details of my everyday in your steady, loving hand.