Lies on a Monday

"For my sighing comes before I eat, And my groanings pour out like water. For the thing I greatly feared has come upon me. And what I dreaded has happened to me. I am not at ease, nor am i quiet. I have no rest for trouble comes." Job 3: 24-26

Last night we had a home bible study kick off which had been planned for months. I was honestly really wanting to hide in the bedroom but it ended up being a good, upbeat night with less worries than I would have had if I had locked myself in my room. Guess who showed up? The nurse from our church who had greeted us at the pediatric oncology clinic! Also, when I went to superstore earlier that day, I turned around just in time to see Sadie's oncology case worker round the corner by the health food section. Interesting coincidences...
This morning, we rolled our little suitcase into the pediatric oncology ward and there was "Rae-lee", the nurse who forever will be the image of God's wink, waiting to greet us. My heart was churning like my stomach but I cheerily pointed out Rae-lee to Sadie as I squeezed her tiny hand 3 times. (3 hand squeezes means "I love you" in our family). I chatted up Sadie and the nurses and laughed about farm animals and which of our animals was the ugliest while they took her blood... And my head spun and heart ached. My outward attitude and my inward emotion did not match... All lies I became worried they were going to cancel surgery because of her cold and I was also scared they would go ahead with The surgery....I didn't mind the 2 1/2 hour wait until she went in. I wanted time to stand still... Another little girl invited her to watch her get her chemo and i wanted to bawl. I talked like an excited kindergarten teacher... More lies. Time was not going to stand still...Her name was called and I happily took sadies hand and talked to her as if we were going to grandmas house. Oh what lies. I couldnt see her doubt but I could feel it. I changed her into her gown and she clung to me. "I need ALL your snuggles Mommy!". (finally some truth). "I need all your snuggles too Sadie!". We clung to each other up to the operating room. When we went in all I saw was "operating room equipment" and fear filled me. They asked Sadie to get on my lap and I held her tiny form as the drugs took her away in less time than I could name all of her brothers and sisters who would visit her later. They took her from my arms and the "show" was over. I disintegrated into tears and sofly begged the surgeon to be gentle...adding. "I know you will...". Curt texted me and when we saw each other across the cafeteria I lost it again. He handed Eva to me and I buried my tears in her baby neck with kisses. When he left, I hid in the darkened toy room of the day ward. Another mama found me there, turned on the lights and brought her daughter Desiree in to talk to me. "You're new aren't you?". We shared stories and drug facts and time-lines and her daughter who is a dancer, showed me her foot where the tumor had been removed and talked about
Why she chose to keep the hair that didn't fall out (tiny long strands) braided in a dainty braid down her back and why she chose the port she did. So mature for 10. Sadie came to me wheeled on a bed, teary and tired and sore. Today was not the fun one on one date we pretended it to be... But she knew it all along. Last week it was all about truth. What would happen today, how it would feel, how it would look... (you tube was a treasure trove for prep)... But today was a day of lies... Sweet little lies. I love you baby. You did so well living in the land of let's pretend today. But now the truth; today wasn't a fun one on one date with mom.

Today was the day you got your "port"... Today hurt... In every way. Today we clung to each other because we were both afraid. Keep clinging baby. There will be more days of pretending...