The cup.

When we got the chemo treatment plan for Sadie, i went home in frenzy mode. I couldn't stop working, cleaning, baking, playing, planning, sweating. People were talking to me about Sadie and i felt i was talking a mile a minute and to be honest i felt a little crazy. I was going all day without remembering to eat or drink. Bedtime would come and i would lay there for ever, going over and over in my head the last few weeks of staying up into the wee hours of the morning taking notes of internet lectures on LCH. Then i would go over again the diagnosis conversation...and finally start agonizing about all the "what ifs" of the year to come. I would wake up at 5 am and that was it for me... i was up. And then i crashed. I wrote my family who have been praying for us. Some words just have to come out or they will beat your heart out of you:

"I Can't sleep anymore... can't eat, forget to drink, sweating like crazy and working like i'm posessed. I wake up too early and then think about how Sadie will feel after surgery... and that it`s just the beginning for her...Thinking of Jesus praying `Father if it`s possible, take this cup from me.. and then...let your will be done...`and it has new meaning...and it`s terrible. He was truly human and he understands this fear. But it`s 5 in the morning and i`m sobbing on the couch. I wish it were me that could take the cup from Sadie. -j"

There are so many moments from the past few days i want to keep in this blog, all together. I may clip and paste from here or there as it's hard to get it all down. Time is suddenly speeding towards a sharp turn and I want to capture every moment of our lives "before chemo" as i know in my heart that life will never be the same again.