gratitude not guilt

One day, years ago we attended a pool party for the church. Someone in the church had rented out the entire facility so that it was free for all of us. When one of our friends found out that none of us had to pay, he announced "Wow! I feel blessed!" He was sincere but it struck me funny at the time and his statement became a little bit of a family joke. When someone would do something nice for another person in our family we would laugh and say "Wow! I feel blessed!!" I'm understanding why it struck me so funny that day and i think part of it was my own immaturity. Accepting help, or kindness has never been a forte for me. The spectre of *Guilt* following me around has always been too much of a risk. Maybe part of it is fear of criticism for taking the help or maybe it's pride on my part (that i can *do* what needs to get done on my own without help)? These past few weeks have been humbling though and i found myself saying "yes" when people offered to bring meals or babysit, or clean. My oldest daughter has been coming into my room every morning for almost 4 weeks straight now asking if she can take the baby and give me an extra hour of sleep. I'm learning to say "thanks" and "I feel blessed." And it's not that funny anymore.
It's profound.
So many people have said that they've been praying for Sadie and for us. I am at peace when i think of her situation... and find joy in thinking of the year ahead of us as a family. So thankful...so blessed.

Disco music to the rescue

I took my first foray into the real world again on Friday by heading into fiddle lessons in the city with all 7 kids in the 12 passenger van. We were going to pick up Curt on the way (thank goodness). I remember the first time leaving the house alone with all 6 kids after Wesley's birth. Those first tentative trips out of the house and towards normalcy are always so memorable and momentous for me...and a little frightening. Curt's cousin had given me a kids karaoke CD and as we turned out of the driveway and onto the road, i shoved it into the player without looking at the song contents. Suddenly, the first few bars of a song i have heard often blared into the van and i simultaneously burst into tears and laughter. Tears, because the theme and main lyric of the disco song "I Will Survive" seemed appropriate for the weeks worth of bobbing and drowning in the sea of worry (even though the song doesn't really apply any deeper than those 3 title words)... and laughter because the tears were so melodramatic. Besides, who listens to disco music with a straight face? I'm sorry, but only if you're dead is that possible. The van burst out in a wild frenzy of disco dancing and laughing. Ah! NORMALCY. :)



*Update on Sadie*

Just got a call from the hospital. Sadie will be going in for her CAT and PET scans at 8 am on October 21st. It's farther away than we thought but at least the date is set. A friend sent over meals this week and then the church sent me home with a box of frozen meals. So thankful.

Sister love

I was snuggling Eva and staring at her sweet 2 1/2 week-old alert face when Sadie crawled up next to us on the bed and started stroking Eva's cheek and kissing her.
"Awwwwwwe, your big googly eyes are so cute!"
I burst out laughing which frightened Eva to wild tears and Sadie had to scold me "Mom! Don't laugh at her!" :)

sadie update

Today was the appointment with Dr. B. the Oncologist/Hematologist. We waited almost 2 hours to get in with him. Sadie had a great time waiting as there was a little area with books, toys, art and a full-time art teacher and other children to play with. I saw her smile at the little girl across the table as they painted together and then i saw her face change to a question mark as she noticed that one of the little girls' eyes had been operated on and disfigured. I don't think she noticed that the one little boy had a bandage around his neck, one girl limped and jumped from place to place, and another little girl sounded like her voice-box had been altered. She just played. For me...every little detail was taken in. It was impossible, even with the highly positive people, murals and energy around us, to ignore the reality of where we were waiting. The tiles on the walls made by children and their families who were battling cancer, the newspaper clippings on the walls about how the sound of a mother's voice has been proven scientifically to release hormones/chemicals that soothe and heal, how the house across the hospital was recently been opened to accommodate families waiting on blood tests, a bald teenage boy being measured and weighed in the hall, a stylish looking teenage girl with her mom limping out of the exam room, big smile on her face. I looked over at Sadie's blond hair like a halo around her own beaming smile as she twirled her paintbrush on the paper plate. She doesn't belong here....does she?? Sadie flew out of the art station with a paper airplane and threw it down the hall to cheers from the art teacher and spent the next 15 minutes throwing it back and forth to Curt while i nursed a fussing Eva.

Finally we were called in.
The verdict.

There were 2 tumour markers that were checked along with the blood work: HCG and Alphafetoprotein. The HCG was normal but the AFP was right at the cut-off. (9) Dr B said that even so, if it were a germ cell tumour, the number would probably be much higher (1000!) because they grow so fast. He will be booking Sadie for a CAT and a PET scan and more blood work within a week or two and said that he would try to book them at the same time so that she would not have to be put to sleep twice. They would inject a low dose of radioactive dye before the tests which would illuminate any bone lesions (associated with LCH). He said that she may have LCH existing only in the pituitary, but to determine that, he would need to eliminate other options. With Sadie being so healthy otherwise, there is no reason to put her through the agony of a biopsy to determine this. If it is only in the pituitary, and not causing other endocrine problems, he would just monitor it closely for growth or change as treatment is usually to keep the child from developing DI... and Sadie already has that. All in all, it was a fairly encouraging appointment. So, i guess the short story is that we will be undergoing more tests. ...just noticed i said "we"... If you are praying with us, you are included in that "we".
James 1:2-8 comes to mind, so here it is in a "Message Bible" paraphrase:

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides.

You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely.

Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father.

He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it.

Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves.

Sadie's appointment/ blood work

Sadie's nurse called today to make sure that we had gotten appointments with the hematologist/oncologist and to let me know about the blood work. We do have a one hour appointment for this Monday morning with hematology/oncology. As far as the blood work, she said that so far, everything that had come in looked good. :) She said that they had checked two "tumour markers" and one looked good and the other hadn't come in yet. I was determined to get my home school schedule hammered out for certain last night but got caught up searching the Internet making sure i knew what to ask in the appointment on Monday. Really hoping for more of "nothing".

In an e-mail to my family this week i wrote: "I feel like i did when Sadie was born and Darren was diagnosed with epilepsy that same night...trapped between Joy and Dread. And then there is His face again. Catching my eye across the crowded room...no words, but He sees me.

On the side of Joy today was my friend Andrea. She came and took baby pictures of my little Eva. I can't wait to see what her artist-eye captured for me. Thank you so much Andrea. -j

Sadie's most recent MRI results

Here is the e-mail i sent my family this afternoon. Blood work is done and now we wait...again.

"You can send this out as we are asking for prayer. Sadie had her repeat MRI today at 10 am. At 3:30, Dr. M called us with the results and said that they found a change. There is a thickening of the pituitary stalk that they had been looking for and this is a change from the previous MRI results. (Repeated MRI's were to look for "changes" as a small, slow-growing tumour may not necessarily show up in the first MRI's.) He said that this could either be nothing, or it could be very serious. It could be one of two things:
1. a brain tumour
2. Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis (which her history leans more towards)
From what I've read in the past, both would require chemotherapy. Dr Marks has already talked to the Hematologist/Oncologist and said that he was going to call them back after he got off the phone with me. He is sending a requisition to the lab for us to get done and he said that we should have an appointment with Hematology/Oncology within 1-2 weeks. I just called the lab and the rec came in so we're going to go in tonight and try to get it done before the long weekend. Please pray for Sadie and for us as we navigate these waters with the kids. I am usually a woman of too many words and i don't want to say too much, or the wrong thing, or jump to any conclusions. Just to handle each little piece of information as it comes. Asking again for wisdom. -j"

5 days post partum

These 5 days are usually filled with what i call the "layers of pain"... one pain subsides only to introduce me to another one that had been waiting it's turn.
The lungs... not being able to fill all the way from the strenuous job of pushing.
The strange "emptiness" of a womb that had only days before been filled to capacity.
The afterpain contractions brought on by nursing, and the fullness that arrives around day 3 as colostrum eases out and milk enters with a bang.
The mystery of tears...also for me a phenomenon of "day 3".
The aching of muscles and bones as they learn to carry this new distribution of weight.
The incredible sensation of overheating and "sweating it out", (If i try to cool off i go into uncontrollable shivering that brings intense pins and needles and eventual itching in my palms and feet. I've decided to just ride the waves of heat.)
My aching heart for my husband to stay close-by.
...of course there are pains that will remain nameless...
Pregnancy and Birth have a way of stripping a woman down right to her core and starting her all over.
I am now a servant to this needy little one.
I am to
Bend...until I am laying dependant in the arms of my Heavenly Father.
and then
Break...so that my grip on my own selfishness is again retrained.
These 5 days have also included 2 of my other children becoming very ill with the flu, and 3 others suffering from hacking coughs and sore throats. Mom, if you read this... thanks for being here. You continue to bend and break to make room for my life as well. love you. -j

Eva's Birth

Well...I guess i blew it and opened the present before "Christmas" actually came. I went into my appointment on Tuesday and my Ob/Gyn checked to see if there was any progress. I was "less effaced" and "less dilated" than last week and baby Eva had dis-engaged from the pelvis. I said that i guessed i would see her again next week and she said no, that baby needed to come out this week as she was headed towards the 9 lber range and was still posterior (which had caused problems in my last 2 pregnancies.) She also figured that since i had passed my due date 20 days ago and the ultrasound due date now, that it was time to get things moving. I went home... had 2 days of turmoil and tears and decision/indecision. We called mom and dad in Victoria and told them that baby was going to be induced on Thursday so we needed them to come up right away to be here for Wednesday night. They drove all Wednesday, stopping in Hinton to visit my sister on the way and crawled into bed in the wee hours. I didn't even see them that night. The hospital called at 6:30 Thursday morning and told me to shower, eat breakfast and come in by 7:45 for an induction at 9am. It was surreal walking down those hallways again after less than 2 years. This pregnancy had taken us by surprise and now the imminent delivery of this new little life just seemed so hard to believe...ALREADY! It went so fast. We got settled in the labouring room, I was gowned up and set up with the baby monitor for an hour before they began the drip just to make sure that Eva was okay. At 9, the nurse started the oxytocin and asked me if i needed anything. I told her that i wanted to try labouring on the labouring ball and that i might want to try the bar as well as baby was posterior...and of course an unlimited supply of nitrous oxide. I was hoping that these would help with her position during the delivery. The nurse came in with a labour ball and i sat on it only to discover that my feet didn't touch the ground! She brought another one and wow! I wish i had've used one for all the other births. I walked the halls, but mostly rocked on the ball for pretty much the whole labour. Curt rubbed my back. A labouring first. But whenever the nurse would come in he would pretend he hadn't been doing anything. haa! At 11:15 my water broke (clear! yay!) and at 12:00 i had the first contraction that brought tears to my eyes. I don't know if other women are like me, but there is "fun labour" (in the beginning, when all it is is excitement and recognizable contractions) and then all of a sudden a contraction comes that means business and the reality of what is ahead suddenly sinks in... and for me, i tear up. I looked up at Curt. "I may need the laughing gas in a bit." I breathed through a few more contractions and then got Curt to hook up the gas for me.
MUCH better... and then it got worse... as labour is apt to do. When it became too much for me and i knew we were close, i told Curt he was going to have to help me up onto the bed. Somewhere between 1 and 1:30 i told him (not in full sentences of course) that unless he wanted to deliver baby on his own, he'd better call the nurse. I figured that Eva would be born by 2. Pushing began and my Dr. came in and realized that the front bag of waters had broken but that the head was blocking the waters from behind. She went in and broke them and there was meconium staining. The pediatrician had to be called in just in case Eva was in distress when she came out. Pushing only lasted about 30 mins. (A fantastic difference from Wes' 2 hours of pushing!) And Eva arrived. The cord was wrapped around her neck twice, but was quickly unwound and neither that, nor the meconium staining caused any problems for her. Those are the facts... there *are* details... and REALLY, the story is in the details, so here are some of them:

-The day before the induction i canned 7 jars of my 8 boxes of peaches. During my labour, my mom canned 35 quarts of peaches and used up every jar she could find in my house. I was shocked...and THANKFUL!!

-On the white-board by the front desk of labour and delivery, my request for "NO MALES" was written in bold black dry-erase marker. When the large, older, balding pediatrician was called into the room, i announced through puffs of my laughing gas "You'd better be one ugly WOMAN!" My OB just howled. The man averted his eyes for the whole time he was in the room. He rocked. Thank you strange man who attended my birth.

-During delivery, Curt usually stands by my HEAD, holds my hand (because i make him) and says little to nothing. This time, he bent down to my head and whispered encouragement...but when Eva came out he asked his usual question. "Is she dead?" A little picture of what he's been thinking. Poor Curt...I love him.

-After i deliver, i am always ravenously HUNGRY but this time i outdid myself. Here is what i ate: 7 pieces of buttered toast, One McChicken Meal from McDonalds, One full hospital meal... and then i writhed up to the desk and begged for a chaser of MALOX. Thank goodness for antacids after a ridiculous attack of the "hungries".

-Eva weighed 7 lbs 15 oz
-Eva has lots of dark hair,
long dainty, double-jointed fingers,
toes that make the "peace sign",
Curt's chin,
and everything else looks like Sadie. :)
-Eva's full name is Eva Found Sparrow Jespersen.
She is named after her great great grandmother (Margaret) Eva Found, and of course sparrow is for the bird...and a favourite song that reminds us that "His eye is on the sparrow, and i know He watches me."

Bai-Bow!! Bai-Bow!!

Last year i was feeling discouraged with myself. I've always wanted Bible reading and discussion to be an important part of our homeschool day. Year after year I've bought Bible curriculum and attempted to carry out my big fancy plans. We would read, memorize, do word studies and answer questions, finding locations on maps...The kids enjoyed it but we were taking a lot of time... and I worried about skimping out on other subjects. Slowly Bible would get pushed to the end of the day, tacked on as an afterthought. Finally, in frustration i begged Curt to take over and "do Bible study" with the kids. He agreed but warned me that he was going to do it HIS way. He would read only one chapter per night and i was not allowed to interrupt. (He knows me too well.)
It sounded simple enough...
for a normal person...
but i guess I'm not normal.
The first night, and every night, he read as if he were in a race... a monotone reading race. He did that every night. I would stop him and ask the kids questions, emphasizing the exciting parts that i felt they would miss with the way he was reading. He would patiently wait for me to shut up. He would stare at me and wait till i said "Kay, keep going." He stared a little longer at me and then would start again. I knew i was breaking our agreement.
He would mis-pronounce words. One night he was reading and when he got to a part where the cloud enVELoped the people, he read that it had ENveloped them. I swore he did it on purpose to test me. He smiled. "Ooops! haa haa! How do you like THAT one kids? It ENveloped them!"
When he got to a part that he deemed boring (the "begats") he would mumble "blah blah". (no explanation) When the story became inappropriate (when Potiphars wife begged Joseph to have sex with her.) His voice trailed off and he skipped ahead. (no explanation)... i bit my lip... but mostly i would interrupt...Trying to make sure the kids understood. He would stare and wait for me to tell him to continue. One day, i realized that we have been reading together consistently as a family for about a year...every night. We have blistered through books of the Bible together--one monotone chapter at a time. Curt in patience and obedience, me with my two bits thrown in every 5 seconds. I've never been that consistent. Neither has Curt. My view on Curt's methods drastically changed the other night. It was getting close to bedtime. Curt called for the kids to come downstairs and sit on the couch. He didn't say that we were going to read the Bible together. Then something happened. Something that made me cry. My almost 2 year old started hyperventilating and running for the fireplace where Curt's Bible sat waiting. And then he pounded it with his chubby little hands and started yelling BAI-BOW!! BAI-BOW!!
If a 1 and a half year old understands that Bible reading is something we do as a family, that it's an important part of our day together... what are the other kids learning? Since we started, I have learned to let little things go... and Curt doesn't mind my interruptions as much. He even stops and asks questions himself now. I'm learning that time spent in Bible reading and study does not have to be done "perfectly" but there *is* something magic that happens when we are consistent even with something little...and imperfect. Again, I'm learning that as we do our little part, God blesses by filling in the gaps with HIS part. Every aspect of our lives is lived in *partnership* with God. It's not all on our shoulders. His burden is light. A good lesson.

I waited.

From my original due date, i am now 18 days overdue. Obviously i was wrong. From the ultrasound due date, i am now officially 1 day overdue... which is really not overdue at all i guess. This is how it feels though.

-That Christmas has come and gone and i forgot to open the presents. (I like this thought though as it reminds me that there is still something good coming.)
-That maybe I'm not pregnant after all and i'm one of those women experiencing a "phantom pregnancy".
- That maybe she'll come *next* summer.
- That I should have done more "get ahead" schooling the end of last year if i had've known she would be this late.
- It feels like God is trying to teach me that i need to learn to relax in the thought that sometimes, HE is in control... and then relax a little more in the thought that ACTUALLY, He's in control ALL the time. ;)...God is prying my fingers one by one off of all the things in my life that i see as *mine*.
Time being one of them.
When i feel anger, He's teaching me peace.
When i feel lost, He's teaching me to hear his voice.
When i feel lonely, He's teaching me to recognize his touch.
When i feel let down, He's teaching me to depend on Him alone.
When i feel impatient, He's teaching me patience.
When i feel incompetent, He's teaching me to trust that He is fully able.
Lord, make this time of waiting on Eva a time of waiting on You....Help me to rest in You.

The odd couple.

I braved waddling into church this morning despite my large and in charge size and my personal "due date" issues. I survived. After that we went home to quickly change before heading over to my in-law's place for the 14 year tradition that is "Sunday dinner". I, being in the last few days of my glorious roundness of pregnancy...and also being comfortable with Curt's family, had "wisely" chosen baggy grey pajama pants and a tight motorcycle shirt that barely covered the last inch of my stretch-marked stomach. I slid my feet into my sandals and started going out the door. That's when Carrie announced. "There's company there mom." (My mother in law often invites friends and/or strangers for dinner.) "Who?"...i considered changing depending on the answer to that question. Curt interrupted with a smirk. "Never mind, we don't have time to change, let's go!" (He knew it was missionary friends we have known for years so was pretending to be brave.) I grabbed a blouse... yes, a see-through blouse with no sleeves and wore it OVER the too-short motorcycle shirt and pajama bottoms. Curt told me that it looked worse and smiled. He is enjoying my lack of dignity...and proper clothing. Him in his perfectly pressed dress shirt, new pants and fresh hair cut, and good looks. It's times like these that i am glad to remember that it was HIM who asked ME if i would PLEASE be his wife... makes *me* smile. SUCKER!!!

The baby

I know we've been calling Eva "the baby" for 9 months... but now that she is almost here... i look at Wes and think that maybe i "dethroned" him too soon. Curt has been getting up early with Wes for the past couple months so that I can get an extra half an hour of sleep but this morning was different. Curt had been out until almost 1 am picking up a friend of ours at the airport and was so tired. I rolled out of bed and bundled Wes into my arms, heading to the kitchen. He was cranky...and the house was full of sleeping people.
"Do you want toast?"
"no"
"yogurt?"
"no"
"Want to go in the hot tub?"
"no"
...and then i remembered the other day how Curt had taken him riding horse and Wes couldn't quit talking about "baby horse".
"Do you want to go quading out in the field to see the baby horse?"
"UP!!!! (yup) SHOES!! 'mon!! (come on!) 'mon!!" I downed the last of my breakfast and we headed out. The air was cool and the quad was covered in wet from the night so I wiped off the seat and plopped Wes in front of my solid baby belly and headed out. The fields looked empty. I guess even the animals wanted to sleep in this morning. We drove past the garden and the stallion's pen and Wes jabbered away, pointing at the sunflowers, and "Nitro". We pulled up to the shed and a handful of bunnies skittered underneath. (Curt released a few 3 years ago and they thrived....and multiplied). After opening and closing gates, we drove into the field. One goat sauntered out of the shed, then 3 pigs, then the dog. Wes was in his glory waking up the world. We drove around the west fence until suddenly Wes started pointing and hooting. "Horse! Horse!!" He had spotted the group of horses on the eastern fence line. We drove over there and they took off running. "Ohhhhhh! Fast Fast!" We spent the next 10 minutes just puttering around in the middle of the horses. Wes jabbered non-sensically when one horse nibbled on the fence and grass and made big chewing actions to mimic her. Then the baby horses tried nursing and he said "Awwwe! Baby." And then, of course, a horse having a bowel movement is a *thing to behold* for a child and the vocabulary words are, of course, the favourites: "POOOP!! BUM! BUM!" On our way back to the house, we saw the cat and her batch of kittens so had to stop for that too. "Down!" I let him down and turned off the quad. He marched right up to the mama cat, cupped her face in his tiny baby hands and kissed her full on the lips. (Do cats have lips?) She closed her eyes, stretched and strangely seemed to enjoy it. Then he picked up a kitten and asked "home?" No, we couldn't bring the kitten home. "Tay, Bye!" He put the kitten back with it's mother and marched back to the quad. His mood had improved greatly in the time we had been outside. So much about him is still so little, but i see shades of my big boy Darren... and big sweeping brush strokes in him resembling my husband. The baby is becoming a boy.

In the last days

I am overdue and underdue... and who knows what time I'm due. I DO know one thing though. The last days of a pregnancy are quite the emotional ride. Excited that we're so close, frustrated that nothing is happening, nervous as to how this homeschooling year will look and how I'll feel when we finally get going with it, afraid to fail, in love again deeper with my husband who absolutely relishes the HERO worship he gets from the kids in the last month of pregnancy as he helps make their days over the top fun just by BEING here and coming home early...and my kids who are so willing to help out and pray for their little sister who's arrival is so much the center of attention right now. I have been trying to get something done every day and find that if i lay down between tasks, the day is much less painful! :) I guess what i feel i need right now is a reminder of all the things that make being pregnant with Eva at this time (mid Aug) so beautiful. Summer can be hot...but the heat is outweighed by these:
Curt took kids fishing at Calling Lake.
I went raspberry picking with Wes and Sadie and then we made JAM. (YUM!!)
Curt and Darren cleaned and fried up the fish to the thrill of all the catchers.
Curt took kids quadding to the mountains.
Curt took kids floating down the Pembina river.
The kids play in the sprinkler and splash pool and have picnics on the lawn.
We have been picnicking on fresh peas and carrots from the garden daily.
Every day someone clips flowers from the field, bush or garden to have fresh ones in the house.
(Today, Carrie, Robin and I clipped a huge vase of sunflowers and sweet peas.)
Watermelon is in every grocery store.
Frogs are aplenty.
No one has to worry about homework, music lessons, baseball or other extra activities as they have all faded away for the rest of the summer.
I was allowed to turn the hot tub down to 99 degrees so that i could go in!!
Late night hot tubs with the kids...especially the older 2 who like to say things like "Start talking mom and we'll listen in on your conversation."
Sundresses.
No shoes.
Alberta thunderstorms in the evenings.
And most of all... little Eva won't have to be bundled up like a cotton ball when she comes home from the hospital. We will unfold her red, soft tiny body, inspect every tiny bit of her, inhale her apple-sweetness and enjoy her in the sunshine and fresh air. I can't wait!

Stalking a Surprise

Like a plump snail, recoiling into her shell, I'm feeling the need to hide away a little bit as i continue to wait for the arrival of this little one. *My* due dates have come and gone--I didn't really have much faith in them anyways with the ultrasound date being seventeen days later!--and yet there is no panic in the extra waiting. I keep putting off scheduling school for this fall and maybe that's whats keeping me calm. In the back of my mind there is a totally delusional thought that this baby is going to wait until i have every little job completed, every item packed for the hospital and every detail worked out before she arrives. I don't necessarily want to be "ready". I am crazily *hoping* and looking forward to be taken by surprise. I'm sure this insanity stems from having had 4 previous inductions and knowing the birth date before the baby. But this little one is holding onto the "birthday controls" and i am at her mercy. I can bounce on my yoga ball and drink raspberry leaf tea all night, but she is the one who gets to say "go!" Makes me feel like i really have to concentrate hard. I want to notice the first contraction that signals the string of pains that will finally bring her out into the world. I don't feel the need to plan each day full of distractions. Instead i feel like there is only one thing to focus on. Eva. My baby girl is coming home to all of us. soon. So exciting to stalk a surprise.

Just for the record

This pregnancy has been different in so many ways. The baby was so "quiet" until this last month where she seems to want to stretch and roll constantly. No major Braxton Hicks. No minor or major catastrophies. Healthier cravings: watermelon, grapefruit, garden carrots and peas. Then this past week hit me. I got sick and just laid on the bed, couch, cot for 5 days straight. Finally starting to come around and have been reminded again how thankful i am for a husband who replaced the broken dishwasher and kids who help out when i am down. I went for my prenatal visit yesterday and my doctor had photocopied my birth records for me. My sister in law had asked the other day how much i gained with each preg and how much the babies all weighed at birth. I thought it might be fun to get the medical records. I was looking through them last night and was surprised to see that included with the "prenatal record" was a "discharge summary" dictated by whatever intern attended each birth at the hospital. While reading Sadie's i was struck funny with the wording of some of the "intrapartum events". "...With a great deal of encouragement she was able to push this rather large female infant weighing 9 pounds 5 ounces." The personal detail of "with a great deal of encouragement" coupled with the completely impersonal "rather large female infant" did me in. Poor little Sadie, like Wes was a 9 lb er with shoulder dystocia. Then i checked my weight gain and realized that i weigh MORE than i did with either Wes or Sadie...I'm sure hoping that doesn't mean a 9 lb er. I think this is the only time in my life that i am hoping that any extra weight I've gained has gone straight to my thighs!

The things we do for love...

Sadie was tired after our quick nacho/pizza dinner tonight so asked to snuggle on the bed with me. I packed scads of poofy pillows around my achingly huge and pregnant body on the bed and she gathered a little quilt to snuggle up under and we cuddled. Our foreheads touched, my arm was around her. Her eyes closed and i marveled at her tiny face and beautiful freckles. Then, without opening her eyes came her announcement "I don't like that chip smell in your breath. That smells bad."
"Oh! Sorry Sadie." I turned away.
"No!...no... It's okay, you can put your face there." (she covered her mouth) "I'll just barf in my mouth."

Flat Stanley visits the Jespersens

We were sent 4 "Flat Stanley's" this year. Three from Indonesia and one from a public school in Edmonton. There is a story (I've never read it though.) about a boy who gets squished and can send himself through the mail all over the world. A lot of public schools make flat paper "Stanleys" and send them all over the world and get messages back about what their little Stanley did while he was gone. This last project was by far our best Flat Stanley visit. We are sending him home with his journal today but i couldn't bear to part with it without taking pictures. He didn't go far from home but hopefully his journal will be interesting enough. :)

Sample of horse hair from a fiddle bow.

Grain sample and goat hair sample.

Horse hair and hoof trimming samples.

Cat paw prints.

Piglet paw prints and piglet snout print.

Oyster shells and turkey feathers.

Beaver fur (from a beaver Darren shot...but we didn't include that information) and a sample of the bark he chewed off. Plus pussy-willows from Sadie.

Quotes from the kids.

Everyone finished off the book with "flat" hand prints for the school kids to compare their hands to. Here is Sadie's.

Job description clarification and blessed release

Curt and I went to the homeschool convention this past weekend. Together. Just the two of us. In Red Deer. Alone. I can't remember the last time it was just the two of us alone together but now that it's over I'm thinking that we were maybe missing out a little by not sneaking away every now and then to just have some extended uninterrupted conversation. There are so many things I want to blog about especially considering that so much time has passed since my last entry, but this is *one* of them.
Ephesians 2:10 (New International Version) says:
10For we are God's workmanship,
created in Christ Jesus to do good works,
which God prepared in advance for us to do.
I was sitting in a "Part Two" session at the homeschool convention when that verse was brought up by the speaker. When she read the verse I automatically thought of *myself* (as we all do i suppose when we hear that verse). God is talking to *me* in that verse. "I am God's workmanship...". The speaker went on to use the word "masterpiece" in the place of workmanship... and it was then that i realized that she was talking about our children being the workmanship and masterpiece of the Lord. How many years have I been a mother...and all this time I've been reading the Bible as if it is directly speaking to me... but not letting it sink in that it is also speaking individually of each of my children? It was then that my faulty thinking hit me dead center. I somehow had the idea that as God formed me and worked in me and changed me... I would work in/with my children. So wrong. My children are God's masterpiece. Not mine. At that moment, a memory from the past week came flooding back. I was driving with the kids from the pool, Darren was in the front seat and the Christian radio station was on. The chorus of a popular song was repeating. It referred to Christians as being the body of Christ. :
"If we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them
there is a way Jesus is the way."
Darren had looked at me and said "Mom! This song is so powerful!" He went on to explain the lyrics to me and what they meant to him. I was impressed that he would be able to grasp the concept and articulate his emotions so well.
When that memory came back to me, i realized that God was revealing ways in which He was working in Darren. Although i will play a role in my children's Christian maturity, God is also at work in each one of them. There will be conversations of which I won't be a part. Those conversations will be between God and my child...alone. These children are not mine... they're God's. They need to follow Him. Gratitude, relief, sorrow, a lifting of a burden i wasn't supposed to be carrying in the first place. It is a blessed release when you know He will continue to carry the burden. May God give me the grace I need through these pre-teen/teen years to give each of my children a blessed release into the care and keeping of a Heavenly Father who cares enough to remind me that we are working *together*.

Sadie's perfect explanation of the early pregnancy body:

Big smile on her face:
"Mom, you are pregnant...
but your baby isn't going to come out right away.
You're just fat.
(look of sympathy and a smile)
Right?"

Family Bowling Date

The ice-cream after-party.

bathing suit pep talk from a seasoned husband...

We're planning a family holiday and I had to buy a bathing suit that's suitable for wearing in public. I had worn out the bottom in the last good suit i had. Plus, i needed one that will work for maternity that's fairly "decent". We hit the mall and I found a few suits in one of the shops and started trying them on. Curt kept giving the sales lady really weird "old lady" suits to pass on to me in the change room as a joke. (She thought he was serious.) I forced him to come in the change room with me to check out one of the suits. He took one look at the suit i had on. It fit strangely over my pregnanty belly and rapidly vanishing waist-line. At this stage of a pregnancy and after 6 pregnancies I "show" right away. But mostly that "show" is really my body knowing what to do hormonally and just going with the flow. It's not a tight little belly full of baby. It's a body that knows the routine. :) Anyways, Curt took one look at me and said something i didn't think i would ever hear my husband say: "Don't worry, it will look better when you get a little bigger."

The Musical

The only picture I have so far of the rehearsals... hopefully more to follow! This is the costume for "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy". See my "baby bump"? :) The belt gets shorter and the skirt tighter (unfortunately) the closer we get to performance dates.

The 3 little girls insisted on having a make-up/hair/dress-up day yesterday as i was doing the same getting ready to go to rehearsal. Wesley got the brunt of the lipstick abuse.

I've been involved in preparation for a musical dessert theatre production at our church for some months now and it's finally coming down to the wire! Three more weeks till opening night. The drama tells the story of a husband and wife who run a diner in Spruce Grove from the 40's till the present and how God uses their lives to affect the community around them even though they don't necessarily feel like they have "much to offer". I am part of a group of singers that herald each decade in with period music. It's going to be a blast.

Breakfast Baby Hide and Seek

Peek-a-Boo is so much more exciting when your brothers and sisters join in the fun. :)

Trusting Him

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us;

we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. "

C.S. Lewis

Matthew 6:25-34 (New International Version)
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

curt update

Just thought i would put this update here as a post instead of a response to the comments section as so many have been asking lately about Curt. Once again, we realize that sometimes the doctors' information can be confusing. Maybe they are learning/brushing up on information as they go, or the medical community's stand on things changes. Anyways, at first we were told he would be in surgery as soon as possible and it would be all over before mid Feb. We were told that Curt wouldn't want to be on blood thinners for too long. THEN, (probably after our GP talked to the vascular surgeon) he informed us that the specialists likes to keep a person with this kind of a blood clot on blood thinners for awhile first to see if it will clear on it's own. Curt's particular reason for getting the clot is a possible bone structure problem. So far they think that his collar bone and first rib are too close together and pinching off the thoracic veins. I hope this is the right lingo. IF it is a bone anomaly, he will need the surgery to remove both the clot and one of the ribs anyways! SO! Here we sit. His shoulder and arm feel a little freakish but his blood levels are good now so he does not need to go in for extra injections at the hospital anymore but will just be on the oral blood thinners until further notice. He gets his blood levels checked once a week as well. Other than all that, he's feeling great. Thanks for asking. :) -j

It's not about healing....

I've had this post simmering in my "drafts" box for awhile and I know it's not really ready to be posted. There is *always* more to say and to learn and some topics work better as an ongoing conversation than a one sided blog entry... but here goes:

The topic of healing has been a hot one in our home for about 5 years. When Darren was first diagnosed with epilepsy we sought out people to pray for him. People we trusted. Other people offered to pray as well and we let them. I think it was through this time that I really started to learn something about people...and about God. We have had incredible, consistent family support through prayer and that has meant so much to us but we were also blindsided by comments made by people along the way in regards to prayer and healing. Maybe because the problem was epilepsy. It was too tempting for people to not mention the possibility of "demon possession". After all... epilepsy has always been a mysterious illness and was thought to be related to demon possession throughout history right? That fact is just too tantalizing to let go of. We had one pastors wife say right in front of Darren. "Well, epilepsy is RIGHT UP THERE with demon possession." Right up WHERE?! I was horrified and immediately regretted having her and her husband pray for Darren. An older uncle of mine called just this morning to regale me with "hilarious" stories of all the "epileptics" he's come in contact over the years and how HE just commanded the demons to come out. He even proudly told me of how he sat on one man during his seizure (to control him) and then advised me that a person should not lay hands on the "epileptic" (reads "demon possessed" to him) because the demon just may enter the person praying. I informed him that Darren's problem was not demon possession but a physical problem that was pin-pointed by MRI as lesions on his brain but he just ignored me and went on to his next story of the other "epileptics" he had encountered (and most likely offended) over the years....and how He alone had dealt with it and commanded the demon out. (Of course while not touching the person.) I made the valid excuse of being in the middle of homeschooling and got off the phone. Other people have mentioned that perhaps illness has come because of some hidden sin. (If Darren wasn't healed after they had prayed then it must be our fault. Some claimed that now that they had prayed, that healing was surely on it's way. (More than one.)...hmmm pride? Some have tried to "speak for God". Some have said that we just have to "claim the healing". What is that supposed to mean? These are the same people that like to "claim" everything else good in life while denouncing everything hard. (Good comes from God and Bad comes from the Devil right?) It's just not true. God does not guarantee us a "free ride" of ease and relaxation through life. ACTUALLY, He promises that we will be mistreated, misunderstood and will face hard times. And what I've found to be true is that hard times have brought me closer to Jesus. It has been the hard things that have defined and solidified my faith and revealed faith I never knew i had.



"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33



"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." 2 Corinthians 4: 8+9



Another thing I've found to be true is that God has used the difficult things in life to reveal to me who He really is. Over the course of the years, the topic has gone from "healing" to "what really *is* the character of God"... and now to "what should my attitude/perspective be in the light of illness." I have often described to Curt how when life has gotten especially stressful that i get a picture in my mind of staring into the eyes of God in silence. It has been a recurring picture ever since Darren was diagnosed 5 years ago...and then through Sadie's ordeal...and every little thing that wants to set me off into a ball of worry. The feeling that permeates that picture is the one you would get from catching the eyes of the one you love across a crowded room. In the moment your eyes meet, you both know what the other is thinking without talking. God seems to have been "silent" through all our ordeals... except for this picture. But that one image has been the biggest source of comfort to me. He knows the thoughts i can't express in words.

I have also found comfort in ignoring the voices (so called prophecy) of the multitude of people that feel like they are "hearing from God". Ignoring books, sermons, comments of those around me and really focusing in on the Bible alone as my source, and His comfort which is new every morning. I *know* my God, I recognize His voice. His "silence" isn't that he isn't speaking. It's that He is working out something in me that isn't about the words He is saying...It's not about the show, or the emotion... It's deeply personal and peaceful and a re-working of my idea of who He really is. I'm hearing Him... just not in words. I see his face, His eyes....and they are on me...and they are on you. -j

The Great Outdoors

Maybe I haven't been outside for awhile. Yesterday, when I took Wesley outside for a romp in the snow the other kids spied me and started running at me and cheering. "MOM IS OUTSIIIIIDE!" They said it like it was some kind of impossible miracle and my mother-heart twinged with guilt (as it is prone to do). I used to *live* outside with the kids building forts, catching frogs, making bows and arrows. I would even take them skidooing. Over the years it seems like I've become a bigger and bigger wimp....and (shudder) indoorsy. In that moment of cheering and guilt, i decided that I was going tobogganing with them. "Let's go sledding guys!" They cheered....and I wondered if i would regret my bravado. I was wearing Darren's camouflage overalls and his extra pair of boots which were clunky and too big for me but I started inching my way down the icy hill to get the toboggan, Wesley balanced on my bulky hip. "Having fun" requires a lot more work than it used to. "Mom, we don't toboggan on this little hill. You gotta walk to the BIG hill with us. Dad scraped it out with the bobcat!" "Oh, okay." It was getting hot and i laid Wes on a sled and pulled him behind me. After a short walk to the back field filled with snow and horse manure, we found ourselves at the top of a HUGE hill. Curt had scraped away a sliding hill that was wide with ridges on either side and wild bumps to start it off. I got nervous. "It's okay mom. I'll give you a push to start you off." says Darren. I should have known better than to agree to a 12 year old boy "starting me off". Especially considering that I am pregnant and holding a one yr old on my lap. Darren obviously didn't think of those things. Wes and I got on. The sled threatened to slide out from beneath me and Darren firmly placed his hands on my back and RAN as fast as he could, pushing. I begged him to quit. "That's good enough DARREN!" He gave one last mighty heave and Wesley and I were racing and spinning on a blue plastic disk down the hill. I screamed. So did Wes. The kids cheered. It seemed like an absolute moment of insanity. Twirling Alberta skies and snow and mother and child hurtling through the wind. The ride went on for about a 1/4 mile before my dragging boots finally brought us to a stop. It was in that moment i decided "I've got to do this more often." My second run was solo and i went completely off course careening onto my back and soliciting howling encouragement from the kids. Sadie's contagious laugh is too good to miss. I've decided to get out more... even in this Alberta winter, even with little ones that need a 10 minute bundle job each. There is something like good medicine that can only be found in spending time in the great outdoors and I need me a little more of that.

Why it's easier to teach the 6th child to do chores...

Monkey See---Monkey wanna DO TOO!!!

What to Expect When You're Expecting After 35-part 2

Got my weekly update from BabyCenter.com. I usually really like their reminders and weekly updates: "You are 9 weeks pregnant today... click here for an update on your (baby's) growth." (They don't use the word "baby" though---delusional. :) ) I didn't have a "part 2" for my "What to Expect" entry when i wrote that it was "part one" but my sister told me to call it "part one" as there was so much more to say. There *is* a lot to say, and i realize that this is maybe a re-do of the last entry, but it was my second nudge from the "medical community" in my 9 weeks of pregnancy to "beware" and a veiled suggestion that I may want to re-think this pregnancy. This is what you should expect if you are 35 and pregnant: An e-mail that begins with:

"Your pregnancy calendar
1 January, 2010:

Older women are more likely to have babies with chromosomal disorders such as Down's syndrome. That's why, if you're over 35, you may be offered an amniocentesis to check you baby's genes."

The message went on to insist that I ask for the booking soon so that I didn't miss out on these important tests before it is too late....too late to kill my child? Hmmm, from what I've read, they will terminate right up to the end for mothers who are desperate for the "service". What has motherhood come to when "To kill or not to kill..." has become the question.

"Dangerous Place"
--by Julie Miller--
Little ones to him belong,
Little ones, where have you gone?
Was it a war that stilled your voice?
No, it was your mother's choice.
Where was the doctor's healing hand
when children died across the land?
Was it in search of saving life?
No, death came from his knife.
It's a dangerous, dangerous, dangerous place,
Dangerous, dangerous place to be these days.
Now five months early you survive,
but 'til you're born, well, you're not alive,
Convenience has a sacrifice,
and children are the price.
It's a dangerous, dangerous, dangerous place,
A mother's womb is a dangerous place to be these days.
Little ones to him belong,
You are weak,
and we were wrong,
Now we will never hear your voice,
and it was our own choice.
Jesus loves me,
this I know
for the Bible tells me so,
Little ones to him belong,
They are weak but He is strong.

Feeling like "Jack"

Curt had pain in his shoulder for a couple days over Christmas... and then his whole arm started to swell and the pain went up into his shoulder and neck. Last night he couldn't fill out a fax he was sending so i had to do the writing for him. I told him he'd better get in to the Dr. We went to the after hours walk-in clinic and wouldn't you know it, no one showed up to open the clinic! He debated going to emergency as i was worried, and although he wouldn't admit it, i think he was too. He waffled and wanted to go on a planned skidoo trip the next morning. I told him that he'd better cancel. He did. I called the Dr. this morning and got him in at my clinic right away. The Dr. took one look at his arm and knew what it was. "Venous Thoracic Outlet Syndrome". He has a blood clot because of his ribs pinching off a vein in his chest! I am so thankful that he cancelled that trip and got in to see the Dr. He was sent right away to the hospital to get a shot of anti-coagulant in his belly (he will have to go back every day for more shots) and a prescription of blood thinners. Ultrasound next week and it looks like surgery to remove the clot and possibly a rib! My goodness! Carrie was watching me as i was reading up on Curt's medication. "Mom! You're just like "Jack" in Robin Hood!" (She is Robin Hood's resident medic.) Yeah, I'm feeling it lately too!

What to Expect When You're Expecting After 35-part 1

While feeling woozy this morning i started leafing through my well worn copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and came across the headline Having A Baby After 35. I lazily skipped over the words.
"Blah, Blah, Blah, statistics, whatever, i don't buy that... that's a bunch of crap."
Then these two statements stood out for me and have been niggling at me all morning now. (Yes, I'm 35 and yes, I took offense for the sake of my child.)

pg. 29 if you have a copy:
"Should an abnormality be discovered, the parents *must* then decide with input from genetic counselors, pediatricians, maternal fetal subspecialists , and other professionals, whether to terminate or continue the pregnancy."

And this one:
"...--today's older mothers have a lot going for them. Medical science, for example. Screening for birth defects can be done in utero through amniocentesis, chorionic villous sampling, ultrasound, and other newer procedures...and can potentially reduce the risk of bearing an infant with a severe birth defect to a level comparable to that of younger women."

Now, let me get this straight. The GOOD news for the older mother is that, should their baby have some sort of birth "defect", the medical community is ready and willing to councel her through her IMPORTANT decision to kill her child. The killing of these "defective" babies born to older mothers will therefore, lower their risk of ACTUALLY giving birth to a "defective" child, and makes their risk of delivering an "imperfect" child the same as a "young" mother? These same people are probably opposed to the death penalty, Hitler's regime of racial arian perfection, and genocide, maybe even abortion for sex selection... but killing a baby because you decided it just somehow doesn't fit into the family picture you always dreamed of?...no big deal. "Terminate and try again." Maybe next time you'll discover that you are carrying a life that's "worthy".

As long as...

A family friend recently asked Curt if he was looking forward to having a boy or a girl.
"Well, it doesn't really matter!"
She laughed and then said something that a person hears a lot when they are expecting:
"Yeah, i guess so. As long as the baby is healthy!" Curt, without thinking blurted out, "Actually, that doesn't really matter either." She looked a little taken aback and then Curt tried to explain why he had said that. "Well, i know what you mean but... We've had 6 children born to us. They were all "healthy" and "perfect". Seven years after Darren was born he was diagnosed with epilepsy. At three, our daughter Sadie was diagnosed with a rare hormonal deficiency called diabetes insipidus. There are no guarantees in life and although we don't want them to be in pain or suffer, we wouldn't trade them for any other two healthy children in the world." When he got home that night he brought up the conversation with me and how he had surprised himself with what he had blurted out. "But Jess, it's true." Yeah, it is.
"As long as they are healthy..." what?
-then i'll be happy?
-then i'll be thankful?
-then i'll know that the pregnancy was "worth it"?
-then i'll know that they will have an easy life and not worry?
not true.
Jesus,
My children are in your hands. I give them back to you. With their strengths, with their frailties...."as long as they belong to you...then I'll know that they have been *fully delivered*.

Midwife wait-list

As soon as we found out we were pregnant, i knew i wanted to talk to Curt *again* about using a midwife at our small town hospital. (Curt is not too warm to the idea.) After my last experience at the big city teaching hospital though, I have a stronger case. My stay included a room FULL of freshly delivered babies and moms. Most of them were c-sections. I know this because of the nurses that came in frequently to turn on the lights, wake everyone up and ask personal questions through the curtains. One woman had twins. Every other woman had visitors. The visitors stayed till 1 in the morning. At one point, deep in sleep, a dinner tray was pushed out of the way, (I'm guessing to make room for more company) through my curtain and right into my head as i lay sleeping with my new baby. The lady across the curtain from me also had her company lean against my bed as i tried to sleep, bonking and jostling the bed till the wee hours of the night talking about their baby's private parts and making jokes about their sex lives. When i tried to use the washroom i had to push through men and women who were crammed in the doorway to visit the woman with twins.... i held my frail nightie together at the back and shuffled my way to the washroom, hoping Wes would be okay for a minute alone behind our curtain. When i finally couldn't take the noise anymore, i gathered Wes and tried to make it to the nurses station to phone Curt. I opened my curtain and took a step. Just then a newly minted "Grandma" who was celebrating loudly with the rest of the extended family backed into me wildly while trying to get a picture. I clutched Wes tight and tried to get my balance. The nurse came in just then and scolded me for walking around with my baby. I put him in the bassinet and wheeled him to the front desk. By then i was so close to tears i had to whisper to the ladies behind the desk. "Could I use your phone for a minute?" I dialed Curt's cell and when he answered, i could hear my kids in the background. Hot tears streamed now.
"Can you come and get me? I gotta get out of here. I'm so tired. Please, come get me."
Curt was relaxed. "I thought you'd be sleeping. It's only 7:30. Can you wait a couple hours?"
"no...i can't"
"Well, i've got to run into work and then I'll come and get you." I hung up the phone and one of the nurses said "Sorry"... and meant it. Another more ignorant one said sarcastically, "You think it's more peaceful at home with your six kids than here?!" She had no idea how incredible my kids are. Home is my peaceful place. I have to admit... i let myself hate that nurse a little bit.
My heart sank and I pushed Wes back to my room. I could feel eyes on me as I came back into the room tears streaming down my cheeks. I crawled back into bed with Wes and had a good cry into his hot soft little neck behind my curtain. Finally Curt came. I have never been so happy to see him. I can't explain how angry i was then when we went to leave and the nurses tried to tell me that the baby wasn't fitted tight enough into the carseat so we "couldn't leave yet" The carseat was the kind that a person has to remove the child, flip the carseat over, remove metal posts from the back of, remove straps, replace straps, replace posts, flip carseat over, replace baby in order to "tighten". I couldn't look them in the eye as i performed this task and they argued that i "should" be able to just pull a strap to tighten. (I threw that carseat out as soon as Wes was done with it.) ......Needless to say, i am looking to find a more quiet and peaceful delivery and recovery option than I was offered this last time. The problem is, so are a lot of other women. Since the government started funding midwives this year, demand has gone through the roof. I am presently on 3 wait-lists... and I *just* found out I am pregnant. Some, when i called, told me that they were booked until the end of September! That would have been impossible because no one would have even known they were pregnant yet if their due dates were in September. Not sure how all of this works, but if you ask me.... pregnant women need more options than what is presently available when it comes to the safe, peaceful delivery of their babies. I know that some women get angry at the mention of a midwife. I'm not sure why. There have to be more options. A "birthing center" as well makes far more sense to me than sending a vulnerable mother and child into the vortex of H1N1 hospitals writhing with sick people. That doesn't add up for me either. I hope my children have better options when their time comes. In the meantime... I'm waiting for my "in demand" midwife and a small town hospital birth.

Sloan cousin Christmas--2009

Christmas 2009 was a great success. Grannie and Gramps came up early to help prepare and stayed late to help clean, Paige and Steph brought baking and casseroles, music and books to share. The kids tobboganed, hot tubbed, played fiddle, ate way too much chocolate, did crafts and played games. We stayed up too late talking. The men stayed up too late playing Risk. (Nothing says "peace on earth" like a good game featuring world domination.) :D At the end of the Turkey dinner we still had enough leftovers to make up 6 turkey casseroles. ( 2 for each family to take home) Here is our living nativity. (close-up of Mary, Joseph, and the only child willing to play baby Jesus. (Uly))

Jam session with Grannie and Grampsie and Steph.

Early morning snuggle with Grampsie. Gage figured there *must* be room for one more up there.

The Christmas story with Grampsie.

Santa arrived on a skidoo at top speed, interrupting the "Christmas Eve Variety Show", opened boxes of candycanes for the kids with his HUGE pocketknife and then shot off his loud gun a few times before making an exciting exit complete with a skidoo jump off the hill and lots of hooting.

The living nativity. Wesley the "goat" has removed his head part of his costume and is writhing out of the sheperd (Silas') hands. We have 4 wise men (as Gage would only agree to the shiniest of costumes) :) And you can't see how relaxed "Baby Jesus" looks in this one with his hands behind his head... but check out the little angel Mollen in the middle/top. She struck a pose that gave me such a smile.

Texting while Hunting and the Sausage Adventure

The beginning of the month Curt was out hunting quite a bit in the morning. I would be trying to homeschool and kept getting phone calls from him. He couldn't "talk on the phone" as he was sitting up in a deer stand, so he would text us and we would get a voice message from a robotic woman saying things like "I'm up in a tree stand. Saw a big one. Haven't shot anything yet." Carrie would dive for the phone every time to hear things like "I love you Carrie!" and "You're so much fun." Then she handed me the phone. "Ummmm, mom, i think this msg is for you." I took the phone and pressed the buttons to hear the msg again. The robotic woman pronounced "Jess, you are ONE HOT MAMA!" The kids burst out laughing. Finally we got the message the kids were all waiting for. Curt's voice: "Jess, i got a deer and i'm comming to pick you and the kids up. Be ready in 10 minutes." Curt arrived with his friend Scott and off we went to the west field. We brought the deer home and Darren skinned it and de-boned it. We froze the meat until Scott came over a couple weeks ago to make sausage. This was a first for us and a lot of fun for the kids. My good friend Andrea was there. Not so much her thing, but she didn't let it show as her enthusiastic 4 year old got right in on the action. :)

Everything I ever wanted

~Sunday was my big 35th birthday.
~In our house, tradition dictates that whoever wishes the birthday boy/girl "happy birthday" first is the winner. Every one else is the loser... unless you say it more frequently than the person who said it first.
~Carrie came in my room first thing this morning and presented me with a sinew necklace with a metal arrow-head on it that she had made... and a pack of gum with one piece still left in it. "Happy Birthday Mom"
(she won)
~I got lots of hugs and "happy birthdays" from the losers.
~My kids played violin in church and made me smile.
~Curt's mom threw me a birthday lunch.
~My faithful friend crashed the party with presents and WAY too much food.
~I ate too much.
~My niece gave me two bags of CHOCOLATE. I shared one. One bag.
~My good moccasins have been missing since the week i bought them for myself over a month ago. Tonight, Curt plopped them in my lap and announced "Happy Birthday, I got these for you." (nerd) haa haa!
~Ellie snuck out of bed long after tuck in and handed me a present: A sample perfume i gave her months ago and a tiny set of keys belonging to who knows what.
~I went around after everyone was sleeping and kissed each of them goodnight.
~I got everything I ever wanted.

How we decorate the Christmas tree

For those of you who have ever lived with toddlers 2 and under, you are going to totally understand why my Christmas tree is decorated as it is; decorations on the top, nothing on the bottom. For those of you totally confounded...I'll fill you in. Babies and toddlers love Christmas ornaments. They love to eat them, throw them, step on them, carry them to the far reaches of the universe, flush them down the toilet, slide them into the couch, DVD player, piano, and sometimes their diapers. I am not a fussy decorator. I LOVE beautiful decor... but i am not a big shopper, i hate dusting, and when it all comes down to it, having a display of perfection is not worth the money or agony when a little one decides to *FEEEEEEL* it all over with candy cane fingers or take it apart, or "make crafts" from it. My favourite kind of decorations are home-made ones you can throw out...or eat. Paper snowflakes, bakers dough ornaments, candy canes, and candy necklaces. We did, however start a tradition a few years ago that the kids love. They each buy one new ornament to put on the tree each year. My nature loving child found a ball covered in feathers. My fancy girl bought a pink sparkly sequined ball. My son... he just tries to find a bigger one than the year before. His is obvious in this picture: