Waiting and trying to feel useful...

Well, the results are in and the appointment is set. It didn't turn out how i thought it would though. As the day wore on and i continued measuring what *exactly* is the water intake and output, my anxiety began to grow. It's one thing to *know* that the amount going in and out is huge. I did measure smaller amounts of time to get a picture of what was going on, but actual numbers confirmed in my mind that I'm not crazy. Something is going on. She drank 6litres and 650 mls in a 24 hour period. Almost the same is going out. Despite the numbers, which the kidney specialist recognizes as huge, her case is not considered an "emergency" as her blood and urine tests all came back clear. I disagree. She is going through 1/2 her body weight in water/day. ...and she's my baby. Our appointment is set for Friday. One week away. After getting off the phone, my hope for an appointment that day was gone and was replaced with total nausea. My sister Paige advised me to ask them to put me on a cancellation list so that we could get in earlier if someone else cancels and that gave me a shred of hope back. (Thank you Paige!) I decided to take the kids out to the greenhouses to smell something green and living. Out of the 3 we tried, only one was open but it was worth the driving around. The deep horrible snow at this time of a year can make a person desperate for that smell of *life* contained in the local greenhouses and the events of the past month have only served to intensify that need in me. They all bought cacti. As we were driving home, mom was talking to the kids about how the cacti can just survive all kinds of things. A wave of a thought swept over me of "You can survive this week too Jess." I know mom imagined this week to run differently too. When she flew in, we had been told that Sadie was going to be admitted. Maybe mom is feeling useless too. I hope not. There is something (unlike anything else in the world) that I can only find in the company of my mom. Even if all we can *do* right now is continue measuring to feel useful, and stare at each other and wait. I'm finding comfort under my mom's wing and her encouragement that regardless of the outcome, God remains our true comfort and encouragement and strength. Waiting...my eyes are on Him.