Nothing can separate us from His great love...

Had a dream about the kids last night. (For those of you who don't normally read my blog, you will need to know, for the sake of the dream, that i have a son with epilepsy and a newly diagnosed 3 year old with "partial central diabetes insipidus")
Was on a long journey to get help for the sake of my children.... sleeping in shallow ditches and hiding from the enemy at night. When we got to where we were going, it was a large open field we waited in. Darren and I were the focus of the dream at this point. We were sitting on a long, wooden bench. Behind it was a curtain where thieves were stashing stolen items. We were surrounded by thieves and robbers and they were a part of where we were coming for help. A loud speaker announced that Darren was buying something. A Daniel Boon lid for something we didn't need or want... 40$ (everyone around laughed.) We were shocked. We didn't ask for, nor want that item, nor want to spend that on a worthless item. The loud speaker announced that we were paying 50$ so our change was going to be one dollar! We were being cheated...over something we didn't even ask for. I took the kids to the "cashier/receptionist" to clear things up. It was confusing... and they didn't want to listen or help. As i was dealing with the lady, Ellie, my 6 year old pointed out a little boy who was standing by the doorway and said to Sadie, "Look, that boy is about your size." As my back was turned, trying to deal with Darren's issue, Sadie went over to meet him. I turned around and a crowd of people were sweeping out the door... and her with them. I asked the lady to wait and ran to get Sadie. When i came out the door, everyone was gone, Sadie was so tiny and in a hospital gown, smiling and gliding towards a nurse in an open doorway. I sobbed, knowing that she was going to die and yelled out "no!"... The nurse was kind and brought me along with Sadie, but when i went through the door Sadie was "gone"...all there was left was to find out why...the dream went on with the process of brain scans, extremely detailed pituitaries with salt crystals floating out of holes along it's scaly length, conversations with doctors with Wesley in my arms and the other children standing...waiting....
Today a package came with the kids' math books for next year and in the package was also a CD that I had ordered because of a song i had heard on our local Christian radio station. I put the song on repeat as i did laundry and sobbed. God's timing is perfect. He knows the fear of a mother deep in worry, who feels "robbed" by illness. Just a timely reminder from God that we are not separated from Him, even in our sorrow, even in our worry, even in our work. He is in the middle of it with us. We belong to Him. Here are the lyrics...I also added it to my playlist.
Not angels,
nor demons,
no power on earth or heaven
Not distance,
nor danger,
no trouble now or ever
Nothing can take me from your great love
Forever this truth remains
I belong, I belong to you
I belong, I belong to you
Not hardship,
nor hunger,
no pain or depth of sorrow
Not weakness,
nor failure,
no broken dream or promise
Nothing can take me from your great love
Forever this truth remains
I belong, I belong to you
I belong, I belong to you...

Tuesday's Filly

My good friend Andrea came over this morning and as she was leaving, noticed a wet little foal out in the field. Sure enough, a new baby buckskin. Here is a picture of Curt's sister Shauna, who dropped by later in the afternoon, and a van load of kids joining the horses in staring unashamedly at the new little babe. I love how horses gather round and stare. We couldn't stay long though as Sadie had to be in to the lab to re-do her blood work. The lab missed checking her sodium and potassium levels on Friday and only did the blood osmolality. I had to wake her up from her nap and take her in for 4pm. She was in a great mood by the time all of us filed in there and I was sure she was going to do a super job like last time. (She giggled all the way through at Ellie the last time.) But in the chair opposite her was a screaming little boy. The longer she waited for her poke, the more nervous she got. Her needle went over with wailing. *sigh*. Andrea, i forgot to tell you "Good Eye!" When someone spots something like a new babe, a deer or moose in the bush, a salamander in the mud, a yummy place to get ice cream they get a "Good Eye!" the compliment can be used to stop the child from repeating it 4000000 times and it can also be used to ignore the fact that you are *not* going to stop for ice cream. haa! In this case, you just have a good eye. ;)

More babies!

Well, the day just kept on building. After the litter of kittens, a second goat delivered another set of twins. Then I got a call from Curt's cousin Jeff asking if i would like to try to rescue 2 baby pigeons. He had a mother pigeon nesting in the roof insulation of the new house he is building. The roof was about to be closed in and he went up to destroy the nest... but there were babies. Darren and I watched videos online as to how to feed baby pigeons, designed a tubed syringe that would go down the chicks' throat to it's crop and gave it a go. It seemed to work fairly slick, but i guess time will tell if these very new chicks will be able to survive. I'm digging out the incubator tonight so that they will have a warm place to stay till their feathers start coming.

Mewling on a Monday

Yesterday, Curt's cousin Jeff and his wife Jessica Jespersen (yes, that's right... and there are more of us by that name too in this family :)) Came over to see the baby goats. Our Manx cat came up for some loving, rolling onto her back as the kids pointed out the bare spots on her tummy where she had shed in preparation for kittens. She looked like a hairy, hard little watermelon rolling around at our feet, so today was no surprise. I sent the kids out to play this afternoon only to have Robin run into the house breathless about 15 minutes later. Carrie had been walking past the pole shed and had heard loud mewing. She ran into the storage corner and sure enough, there were kittens. There was a problem though. Mama Cat had delivered on the wire mesh and the babies had fallen through to other levels and also to the floor as she delivered. Carrie gathered them all up as Darren prepared a straw box and rescued the lot of them to the garage. They were all still soaking wet, tiny and beautiful.

Fathers Day

Happy Fathers day to all you dads who carry little ones high in your arms,
coach their sports teams,
give good advice,
love your wives,
pray for your children,
hike with them in the bushes,
teach them to love Jesus more than any other thing in their life...and to never be ashamed of that love.
Curt you are my treasure. I love you.
Dad, thanks for giving me the kind of advice and example that helped influence me to choose such a great husband and father to these children-- your grandchildren. :) What a great heritage they have because of the life you have built with mom over them in love.

Wedding and a birth

We attended Curt's cousin Billy's wedding (to long-time girlfriend Shelly Dupasquier) today (beautiful!!) and left the kids home with some of the older cousins and a plan for them to hit the bush for a picnic. I had made up a huge batch of chicken and potatoes. When we got home, the kids were watching the goat give birth! Twins. It's been an exciting day around here. :)

Curt moving mom and babe to birthing pen and hauling water with "Rosie" the piggie looking on.

Carrie and Robin discussing whether or not she was going to have a second babe.

Waiting for #2 to arrive.

Some of the cousins.

Forts on a Friday...

Robin's fort walls.

The Jespersen kids.

Ellie

Sadie painting in the bush.

Carrie's fort with their old sign Darren painted when he was in kindergarten. "Wolf Den Tipi"...and her moose head.

Darren's tadpole rescue of the day. The ponds are drying up and these little ones needed a rescue.

Darren clearing some dead branches.

Carrie showing how her antlers make a good seat.

Workout Wednesday

Well, maybe not a traditional workout, but doesn't blasting the Barra MacNeils and singing/jigging around the piano count? Grampsie came for a visit this week and on the last day, he arrived with a tiny toy fiddle that plays set tunes when you touch the bow to the strings. Sadie was delighted and prayed at dinner that she would learn to play her fiddle really well. Tonight, Curt was at ball with the 4 older kids and I stayed home with Sadie and Wes. I set Wes up at the piano to accompany Sadie and then blasted the Barra MacNeils. She praised Wes up continually for his most excellent piano playing and enthusiastically kept up to the blasting tunes. Very fun. I think her little violin was probably playing "Ode to Joy"... but who could tell. :) I will try to find "Don't Call Me Early" by the Barra MacNeils and add it to my play list so you can have a taste of what our evening sounded like...minus some stomping and hooting, piano hammering and electronic Ode to Joy sounds. Warning! It starts off with some accordion but don't worry, it gets better. hee hee (just kidding mom)
...Arg, could only find "Christmas in Killarny" but it's just as fun. ENJOY the instant party brought to you by the Barra MacNeils.

Toothy/Tootsie Tuesday

Wes and his new grin that is changing every day.

Hard to believe that Darren's feet were once that tiny... and clean! The major difference between babyhood and boyhood... clean feet.

Feeling like "Mom"

I've been organizing/purging and cleaning out our books. While collecting them from the shelves, a little Anne Geddes notebook caught my eye. It was bought when i was pregnant with Darren. I opened it and started leafing through it. Mostly it was empty except for a flurry of activity around his birth. After his birth it must have been a shock to my system to try and keep up to any kind of note-taking. First babies... and all subsequent babies for that matter, somehow have a way of consuming all my attention. I have more than my fair share of notebooks that are starved for ink. In flipping the pages though, i came across an entry dated May 13th.

In small letters and scrawled in messy, fast point-form it read:

"These moments made me feel like "Mom"

-snotty nose

-rubbed eyes on my shoulder

-read him a book



That was it. A quick note to remember a fleeting emotion of "feeling like a mom". When Darren was born and they put him in my arms, he was so foreign to me. I didn't have a sense that he was "mine". I guess i had in my mind that some great *feeling* would sweep over me and I would feel forever linked to him immediately, but that didn't happen. Instead, in the day to day fleeting moments, we bonded. A snotty little nose, a fevered head, him falling asleep in my arms for the first time, having him call my name for the first time, reaching out to me. He was always my child, but it was taking time for me to become, or at least feel like a mother. I thought about it for a second. May 13th Darren would have been 4 1/2 months old. I wondered what book i read him. Probably "Guess How Much I Love You". I remember buying it for Darren as one of his first books. Tonight before bed i had read to Darren too. "Watership Down"...another book about rabbits. :) 470-odd pages though instead of a tiny cardboard one about bedtime. I felt like his mama tonight too snuggled up with him on the couch reading out loud. Not everything makes me feel like a mom...but somethings *always* do.

Frogging and Fencing

These are the two main activities around here lately; trolling the ponds for frogs and helping dad put up fencing for the goats who are all greatly pregnant and due. Long live the extended summer break. :)

Sadie update

Got this e-mail from Sadie's nurse this afternoon after wandering through the local greenhouses again in search of tomato cages... and that incredible smell of living things. Routine blood work has been done to ensure that her sodium/osmolality returns and remains within normal range during her introduction to the synthetic form of the anti-diuretic hormone. Mayo clinic results are in:

"Hi Jessica
I just tried calling but you are probably very busy. I hope you had a great time in Vancouver. How is Sadie? How are things going? So, the bloodwork from June 4th results were: sodium 141 (normal), and osmo of 289 (normal). We have received the blood work from California. The results are that the ADH (antidiuretic hormone levels) were detectable. Dr. M--- states that he can not fully explain why the ADH levels were undetectable previously. Dr. M---- states the history, investigations, and response to DDAVP seems consistent with "Partial central diabetes insipidus". In fact, the detectable ADH levels make more sense with the clinical picture of partial central diabetes insipidus. Dr. M--- suggests to continue with the twice daily DDAVP ... ________________________________"

We will have our follow-up appointment on the 19th. Thank you so much to those of you who are praying with us. It is a huge encouragement to *me* and I know to Sadie too.

The "Perfect Curriculum"

I was dreaming about choosing homeschooling curriculum. My last dream before I woke up. I was poring over all the different selections. I couldn't decide. Suddenly my dream changed and there was a walking baby in a one piece jammie. The baby was walking along what was like a stage, there was soft music and the spotlights around the baby were a psychedelic swirl of colors, sometimes focusing on the baby, sometimes the stage, sometimes...hey! There were people all watching the baby, neatly lined on stands. The baby stopped and focused in one one face. A blond woman with pearl earrings and a hot pink skirt and jacket. A bright white light focused on the "mother" which i recognized her to be. (Not that I've ever dressed that way, or seen any mothers who do lately!! :)) She didn't know what to do, how to react, but the baby was "choosing" her, and just kept staring at her insistently. The baby didn't say anything but the camera lens of my dream, which became the baby's perspective, slowly zoomed in on the shocked mother's face and the music grew in volume. It's then that the dream shredded away from me and...
i woke up
to a new sound.
Wesley calling my name from his crib.
"mamamamamamama..."
I'm wondering now if that dream was born out of a comment i heard at the homeschooling conference. "As the mother... You ARE the curriculum."
God has created the perfect learning environment when He created families. (whether we are trying to teach or not) A father, a mother, children... a home. This is His...We are His... this family...but what am i teaching simply because of who I am, what i say, what i do? Lord, teach me to be the mother you would have me be. Let my faith in YOU be obvious by my actions, my words and the life i live day to day. I surrender this "imperfect curriculum", me, into your hands. Let this life of motherhood praise you.

Rediculous Romance

It's 9:48 pm and I'm alone at home tonight with the kids. Curt goes to "Filipino Basketball" Tuesday night. He helps organize this weekly event and does the driving as well. Many of the Filipinos in our area are new to Canada and still do not have licenses.
Anyways, the phone just rang a few minutes ago and i went to answer it. A woman's computerized voice announces with perfect diction that i have a "text to land line" message. Not knowing how this is supposed to work, i wait for instructions. I am to press a number to hear the message. I press the required number and the robotic woman announces the number from which the message is being sent--my husband's cell. Confused, i wait a couple seconds and then i hear the strangest thing. A woman's computerized voice. She relays the message in a carefully slow monotone: "I-- LOVE-- YOU."
I wait.
"If you would like to respond to this message..."
You can't be serious. That was the weirdest "I love you" that i have ever gotten. Romance with a twist of the ridiculous. My favourite kind.

Beauty for Ashes, Strength for Pain

From comments to my last post, I'm thinking it must be a common feeling--that of plummeting to my certain demise. What a comfort, as Christians to be able to reach out and grab hold of His steady hand. No matter how far away *we* feel from His hand, it is never far but always outstretched to pull us in closer in to Himself so that our eyes become focused on Him alone and not the dizzying waterfall of events that fill our lives. I remember my sister Steph talking about going into the hospital to have her first baby. She said that she felt the natural battle of "fight or flight" going on in her mind and at one point was ready to tell her husband Travis to just grab the bags and they could run away together...away from the pain. Interesting how instinct can move us to make decisions regardless of reasoning. In life, sometimes, there is no "escape". The pain is inevitable. So far, I've run away, hidden, fought back but probably the most popular of my reactions to pain so far has been to hold onto it with the grip of death. What I'm finding though is that God *does* have a way of prying my fingers off of the pain that i hold so tightly, and lifting the burden into His own keeping....and maybe as i let go, that's when he slips a little of His own strength into my hand to take the place of the burden. I hope that by the end of my life, he won't have to pry so hard to force me to let go of my suffering and that my hands will be open for Him to fill with His strength, which is made perfect in my weakness. I was thinking about Isaiah 61 this morning. Beautiful that Jesus would have chosen to read this passage as his first public "sermon":

Isaiah 61
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,
for the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed.
2 He has sent me to tell those who mourn
that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,
and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
3 To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

(Nuclear) Family Reunion and Free-Falling

Just got back from the homeschooling conference. Really, it was more of a mini family reunion to me than a homeschooling event. The picture I wanted of all 5 of us (Mom, Dad, Steph, Paige and I) I didn't get. I did get one of Mom, Dad and one tiny representative from each of our families though and it's an interesting shot to me. Mom and Dad took turns "strollering" the babies to sleep and mom bought each little one a new outfit at the Sears sale across the road from the convention. Dad introduced and treated us all to the mouthwatering BEEF VINDALOO(?) at Moxie's. Such Herculean effort to dine out with 3 babies, one of whom was teething, but we did... more than once. :) mmmmmmmm..No cooking/cleaning, lots of eating! While we were sitting at Earls eating our last lunch out together the song "Free Fallin'" started to play. Not Tom Petty's version but John Mayer's new version. I know the song is about a philosophical bad boy...but when the chorus hit with it's repetitious "free fallin'" lyric, John Mayer was singing "my song". I've been telling Curt for months that as soon as all of these doctors appointments for Sadie are done with, we are going to run away to the bush together as a family. After this little recent trip out west I'm starting to realize that a quick getaway won't leave our problems in the dust, won't take the knots out of my spine, the ache out of my heart or the worry from my mind. The song "Free Fallin'" keeps resurfacing, so tonight I'm going to take captive that very attractive idea of just spiraling into a pit of "free-falling" despair and cling to what i know to be true:

"The Lord delights in the way of the man whose steps he has made firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand." Psalm 37:23, 24

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55:22

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God." Psalm 40:1,2,3

Carrie's Ball

Carrie's pitching last night was on FIRE!! The kids are only allowed to pitch for 2 innings so she pitched the first two innings. One guy made it to first base, no one made it home, and she pitched 6 strike-outs! woo hoo! Her thrilled coach wrote on the winning game ball for her and gave it to her:

"Toxic Sox"

Carrie Jespersen

2 innings

6 K's

06/02/09

...Another item for her treasure box.

What it's like to be "the baby" in this family of 6 kids

At breakfast this morning, Wes started hooting and banging his tray. Funny how kids remember things we did with the last baby. Suddenly the whole table erupted in copycat banging and hooting. To Wes' great shock and thrill, whenever he banged, they banged, Whenever he stopped, they stopped. When he squealed, they squealed. He was on top of the world and in charge of many wild girls. What a way to start a morning! :)

Sadie update

For those of you who are asking about our little Sadie, here is the latest update. We had our appointment with the endocrinologist a few weeks ago. He is the one who has re-ordered blood work from the Mayo Clinic to check Sadie's levels of Vasopressin in her blood again. The last time they checked this hormone, they sent the blood work to Quebec. The countries' leading expert on Diabetes Insipidus runs his clinic there and they run that test quite frequently. Vasopressin is the hormone responsible for telling your kidneys to conserve water. When they tested Sadie, that hormone was "undetectable" in her blood. Her body was/is not conserving water on it's own. When she drinks, it goes straight out. That was why she was constantly thirsty and terribly dry with cracked feet, dry hands, chapped lips and often experiencing potty trouble when doctors advised restricting her fluids down to "only" 2 litres from her regular 6 or more litres of water/day. She was trying desperately to keep up to her body's demands for hydration, and we were thwarting her. I kept trying to convince the doctors that there was something else going on, but to no avail. The doctors were baffled as they were certain that it was *not* Diabetes Insipidus. She was concentrating and conserving *some* water which is what we saw during the "Water Deprivation Test"... but her numbers never did get as high as they should have, even after administration of the synthetic version of the hormone when the test was over. After months of torture and frustration at feeling like the doctors would not listen to us, we got a call that those first tests came back showing that her blood showed no hormone! (finally, scientific proof that something was physically going on!...relief!) Also the MRI was suspect. As of today, we are continuing to adjust the dose of DDAVP (Desmopressin, which is the synthetic hormone version of Vasopressin) It is in the form of a nasal spray but because she is so young, we use a tiny tube which she inserts up her nose. It has the bit of hormone in the tube. I blow and Sadie sniffs, and "voila" relief. So far it has been a LIFE SAVER. When the hormone *does* wear out in the evening though, she becomes very thirsty and needing a potty until her evening dose, so we are increasing her morning dose by an eensy weensy bit (with the guidance of her nurse) and hopefully that will make the "thirsty" time a little shorter. This has required frequent blood work. :( As is everything else in life, this is another balancing act. Finding the right dose and the best level of relief for Sadie while still allowing her body to function as normally on its own as possible. Her follow-up MRI will be in November. The doctor advised me to read up on certain specific "possibilities" while at the same time telling me that he is *sure* that's not what it is... Not sure why they do that. Why fill my mind with nightmares if you don't need to?... i have enough possible nightmare scenarios on my own. Anyways, that's where we're at right now...waiting on God.

Small Town Parade

This past Saturday was the parade. Half of the sky looked like bright sun, the other looked like torrential rains... The weather finally settled on a biting cold wind. This parade is something my kids look forward to as soon as the weather starts getting warm. It usually lands on their cousin Tia's birthday party day so maybe that's why the parade day is always looked forward to with such enthusiasm. The whole day is usually an extravaganza of cousins, raining candy, cake and presents, bagpipes and all the extras. A day that includes bagpipes is always a good day I always say. Something about the bagpipes makes me well up...laugh if you want to, but it's the truth. Sadie did not remember last years' parade so this was a wild and strange experience for her. She had a great time sitting on the curb with the cousins and siblings gathering candy in her little bag.

This "float" was for the local 4H club decorated with...empty water bottles and ripped up newspaper??? Maybe they are big into recycling? Wasn't sure what that was all about.

Ukrainian dancers. I love these outfits. They didn't dance when they passed us though. :(

Big Massey Ferguson

Me in my nursing shawl... The colors are a little *loud* but it worked to put Wessie to sleep.

Not sure why this beautiful old car was "decorated" in white garbage bags...that was the strangest thing. The other strange thing was the small eclectic group of musicians in the brass band playing/singing "We're Not Gonna Take It." ...Didn't the hard rock group "Twisted Sister" sing that in the 80's? It *was* entertaining and that's all i cared!

us....and what looks like the general public walking down the street... ?

Sadie, Ellie and Carrie flanked by their cousins.

The bagpipes warming up outside the 7-11...I'm so glad they weren't playing "We're Not Gonna Take It." It was good old "Scotland the Brave" for them.

Getting our picture taken with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. My niece Brittany took this for me. Thanks miss B!!

nice little wagon

Sadie, Ellie and Carrie