Was reading "The Life of Pi". It's by no means a "Christian" book. It's more a book about our search and desire for God to be a part of our existance. There were passages i found myself marking off with little bright sticky notes as i went through. This one keeps surfacing:
I'll be honest about it. It is not atheists who get stuck in my craw, but agnostics. Doubt is useful for a while. We must all pass through the garden of Gethsemane. If Christ played with doubt, so must we. If Christ spent an anguished night in prayer, if He burst out from the Cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" then surely we are also permitted doubt. But we must move on. To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation."
It seems that in life every now and then, whether it is by doubt, despair, or confusion, I'm brought to a standstill. When Sadie got sick it was like God stopped speaking mid-sentence and I was waiting for Him to finish what He was planning to say. The days went on with unanswered questions, accusations, lack of sleep, and an abundance of worry and fear. Still, He remained silent. His last syllable still ringing a suspended chord in my head. I know this was my reaction when Darren was diagnosed with Epilepsy too. I was waiting for God to heal Darren, to speak to me, to somehow make sense out of it. I always knew in my head that God's love for us doesn't translate into peace and freedom from suffering, but even so, I realized that I had rediculously thought of myself as somehow one of "God's pets". That my life was going to be easy. Having something *horrible* unexpectedly explode into the life of my child caused me physical pain. I found that I lived with my muscles tight, my hands gripping white to the steering wheel as i drove, my shoulders pulled in tight, ready to be bombarded with more shocking pain. I felt like if God was going to finish that sentence... it was probably going to be bad news as our relationship had obviously somehow "changed"....I was wrong. God is not an evil ogre watching us from the clouds with his finger hovering over the "smite" button (as the famous Far Side cartoon suggests) any more than He is a magical Genie granting us our every whim and desire. He *does* however, desire relationship with us on a deeper level than faulty notions of "God's pets" or of being "forgotten" by God. I'm setting my mind lately on *abiding* in truth alone. May my God sing His truth and love over each and every doubt and sorrow and help me to *really* know Him for who He is and not what I have imagined Him to be.
James 1 ("The Message" paraphrase of the Bible)
2-4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
5-8If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.
9-11When down-and-outers get a break, cheer! And when the arrogant rich are brought down to size, cheer! Prosperity is as short-lived as a wildflower, so don't ever count on it. You know that as soon as the sun rises, pouring down its scorching heat, the flower withers. Its petals wilt and, before you know it, that beautiful face is a barren stem. Well, that's a picture of the "prosperous life." At the very moment everyone is looking on in admiration, it fades away to nothing.
12Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.
13-15Don't let anyone under pressure to give in to evil say, "God is trying to trip me up." God is impervious to evil, and puts evil in no one's way. The temptation to give in to evil comes from us and only us. We have no one to blame but the leering, seducing flare-up of our own lust. Lust gets pregnant, and has a baby: sin! Sin grows up to adulthood, and becomes a real killer.
16-18So, my very dear friends, don't get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures.
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3 comments:
timely, my friend. A cool sip of water on a parched throat. Thanks.
Jess, i can so relate to this.
When we lost Charis, i had many of the same feelings.
But i knew either i could shut down or keep going, and the direction i kept going in was going to be crucial to where i ended up.
A long time ago (a lifetime ago) i was sorrowing over Silas - he was failure to thrive, i'd had the most traumatic hospital experience, and now i was taking him to the hospital it seemed daily with my little handwritten chart of every mouthful he'd eaten, so they could test his intake, and then testing again (don't they believe me?) - i felt so under attack, so lost, so useless - and then i found he needed surgery, too - and i would have to trust the same hospital that gave me post traumatic stress for years, and an inability to walk without pain for over a year. Trust them with my baby.
It was such a hard time.
i went to a worship conference in town, and once we got singing, i started crying. And i couldn't stop. I just kept crying and crying and i didn't want to attract attention to myself, so i left and sat at the back of the rented hall, and kind of hid behind a curtain.
An older man came up to me and asked if i wanted to talk.
He was so kind.
He encouraged me to go back to the "stepping stones of my faith" - where did i start from? What basics can i know are true? Can i start from those very small, kindergarten truths again.
He gave me a song to look up (Big Daddy Weave - Rest) which i never did...
But that day someone spoke truth to me, and i've used that lesson so often.
So when i lost Charis, i went back to the "basic stepping stones of my faith". I felt like i had presumed on my relationship with God, too, to be so surprised - remember how Job said something about "should i only praise Him when HE is blessing me?" which actually seems pretty reasonable to me - but i needed such a big adjustment, and it hurt so bad.
Two years and three months on, He has been enough. It hasn't always looked like it will be. But every day has enough trouble and enough grace...
Thanks Jess, for this encourageing post.
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