She's come undone

Life has been a good kind of busy and full lately but it feels as though all i do is stand in the middle of the action and bite my fingers. Curt and Darren stole away for a night on an impromptu bear hunt, Wes (2) has been hunting moles and learning to ride his bike, Carrie is one of only 2 girls on her highly competitive ball team and is going full tilt as are Robin and Ellie who are being coached by Curt this year. Darren has ball too but it seems to get cancelled more often than not, which suits him (and me) fine. A lot of nights i am left home with the three little ones while the rest head off to their respective diamonds. Sadie and Wes are not that fond of baseball and trying to watch a game and nurse a baby, deal with a potty trainer and a 5 year old who wants to go for ice cream is not as relaxing as staying home and playing in the bush. Potty training has backslidden for poor Wes as we tried to get his daytime nap back in there somehow. That's been discouraging! But he is a goofball and tease and maturing in so many other ways. The other night I said "I love you Wes!" and he answered with "I wuv my bike!" When i reacted to that he thought it was great fun so now he will come up to me and say "Do you wike me?" and i say "Oh Wes! I LOVE you so much!" and then he will say "I Love DAD!!" and laugh. The other day i said "I love you!" as i left him at his grandmas to make an appointment in town and he responded with "I wuv you too mom." I went wild and ran back to him with hugs and kisses and then he laughed and said "I wuv buggin' you mom!" Some days i can't believe that he is only 2! Such a tease. Sadie has been planting little gardens of wildflowers and vegetables in the bushes with me and the rest of the kids and making mud cakes with Wes while we build forts and shower each other with bug spray. She hasn't changed for the worse or the better that i've noticed other than complaining of headaches more often than my other kids ever did and having less energy than they did. Her most recent MRI showed a 3mm thickening of the pituitary stalk so we have been getting blood work-ups again... and i know this is one of the reasons for my anxiety. When there are suspicions with Sadie's MRI's, i seem to gravitate again to late nights of researching on the Internet and i feel like i could let the world go on ahead of me but i just have to wait in that same spot until the doctors tell me it's all going to be okay again...The children's game "Red light/Green light" comes to mind as i try to explain my feelings. Right now, i'm frozen on a "Red light". Blood tests that have come back so far for tumour markers and hormones have all been good, so now we wait to see what the pediatric oncologist has to say again...No easy way to diagnose LCH... if that's what it is and lesions could take years to appear after initial DI symptoms are apparent...and so... Here I stand...in the middle of their growing up years... holding my breath. It's not me. I was designed to be a whirlwind of activity...and yet, God has provided for me to sit still and listen for His voice. I'm not angry anymore, like i was for years after Darren was diagnosed with epilepsy... and then again when Sadie seemed to be such a medical mystery. I noticed the other day that my anger is gone. I'm sad. I think the sadness was always there but it was mostly overshadowed by my anger. I've had sadness burst out of the cracks though... laying in bed one night and suddenly, surprisingly, out of the blue, i burst into wracking sobs. Curt, awake beside me didn't say a thing. Didn't even roll over. I think he *knew*. I've been praying for a new perspective though...and i think this sorrow is a move in the right direction. I'm done having a stare-off with God. I'm feeling more like falling into his chest. My inadequacy is obvious...the doctors inadequacy is obvious...but God is *not* inadequate. He is the designer of my children, the designer of this life and this heart. And He's pulling me in closer to His life, and His heart.